Liar, Liar

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I’m 40, single, and am successful in everything but love. So I’ve been lying about my age because I feel like I’m not getting any attention due to my age. I’m only viewed by men over 50! So I say I’m 36 and have met more guys I like but then I don’t know when or how to come clean. Help!

Dear Liar,

Why start off a relationship with a lie? I know you’re only trying to widen your possibilities and I also understand how frustrating it is that men are practicing ageism online. I don’t condone lying, but if you’re intent on doing so and have already met some men you like then I suggest you ‘fess up soon.

Admit your real age as soon as you meet the guy in person. Once you and your date exchange formalities you need to stop the conversation and say “Listen, I need to tell you something now. I hated having to lie, but I fidged on my age – I’m actually 40, but I never would have met you if I hadn’t said I was 36. I hope you don’t care and still want to get to know me, but if you have a problem with it I totally understand.” I believe most men won’t have a problem with it.

That said, it also depends on the age of the men you’re aiming to date. If you’re altering your age to date guys in their early 30’s, your confession may not be so readily accepted. But if you’re lying to date another 40 year old or even a 36 year old, then there shouldn’t be a problem… and if there is, then they’re ageist and not your Beshert anyway.

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Out of Range

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I’m interested in xxxxxxx in New York, but I’m out of her age range & I live in California. Can you please make the match?

Dear Out of Range,

Although I’d love to make a match, I don’t know either of you personally to do so, sorry. But I think if you’re really interested in her you should write her an email and let her know all of the things about her that lead you to believe you would make a great match even though you’re out of her age range and location. If you haven’t already, change your profile to indicate that you’re willing to move so that when she checks you out she sees that you’re flexible — and if you’re checking out women in other cities then I’m hoping it’s because you are willing to move. If she responds and you begin a conversation then spend time getting to know each other online and on the phone but try and plan a trip out to see her as soon as possible so you can see how you are together in person (just get a hotel and if the feeling isn’t mutual then go sightseeing instead!).


Cougar Alert!

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Why am I getting matches with guys who want women younger than I am?

Dear Cougar Alert,

JDate matches are not always based on age but also on similar interests and location. The hope is that you — and/or your match — will make an exception based on the preferences you have in common and not be turned off by the  differences. Many people select an age range too narrow for realistic expectations of finding their Beshert, so JDate’s matches enable you and them to both see possibilities that you wouldn’t otherwise notice.

If you are interested in any of these guys you can write them and let them know that you received their profile as a match and, although you can see that you’re outside of their preferred age range, that you have this, that and the other in common and if he’s interested you look forward to receiving a reply.


Prolific Profile

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Not sure if my profile is good enough? Really don’t know what to write. I am not getting any mails and if I do it’s from old men or very young guys like in their 20′s. I just changed my picture and will be adding more later today. What should I wear in these pictures? Please help me to write a new profile as well so that I will hopefully attract quality men ages 40-52.

Dear Prolific Profile,

I would start with writing that you’re interested in men between the ages of 40-52 both in your profile and in your “what are you looking for?” section. I know you’ve selected those years as your age range in the preferences section, but it won’t hurt to drive home the point as long as you don’t write in an obnoxious way. In your “About Me” paragraph write that you’re looking for a guy between 40 and 52. Then in the “I’m Looking For A” write “Did I mention that I’m looking for a guy between 40 and 52?” Make it cute but make your point.

As for your photos, you want to look young and fresh even though you say you don’t want to attract the 20-year-olds. Your first photo should be a close-up so get a facial if necessary and apply your make-up so that it looks natural and accentuates your best features. The next picture should be from the waist up in a shirt that shows some skin but not too much…in this case less is more. Your third picture should be a full body shot with form-fitting clothing to show your shape. Don’t hide your body… there’s plenty of men who like every type of shape. The key is to make sure your pictures look like you, but your best you!


Lying for Too Long

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I just recently started dating, this is my first experience in life, and I’m 40 years old. Because of many reasons I didn’t feel comfortable putting my real age, so I created a profile as a 38 year old woman. And guess what? I met an amazing guy, and we’ve been together for almost 6 months; he is 54, and he is always honest about his age and everything else. He asked me several times just as part of the conversation, and I keep confirming my wrong age, because I simply cannot say the real thing. It’s funny, but I just cannot do it for such a long time. And I want to be completely honest with him… so now I don’t know what to do and how to approach this issue. How to handle this situation? I think that this will spoil our relationship.

Dear Lying for Too Long,

Yikes, it sounds like you’ve had many opportunities to tell your boyfriend the truth and I’m not sure why you didn’t come clean then. And since he keeps asking, I’m pretty sure he probably already knows. In 6 months I’m sure he’s been able to sneak a peek at your driver’s license or do the math of when you graduated high school. At 54 years old, I bet he’d be happy to hear that you’re closer to his age. Funny thing is, at his age and assuming his age range preferences, you probably would have met him anyways! Your boyfriend may be upset at first because you have, after all,  lied to him for six months, but I bet he’ll get over it. It is only 2 years. I think the best way to confess is to be perfectly honest. The next time the subject of age comes up, just tell him. It will be awkward at first, but if you tell him exactly what you told me — you felt you needed to lie in order to meet someone and then you met him and things just happened so fast you didn’t know how to tell him the truth. And now you want things to move on to the next level with him so you had to come clean. Add that you know it may not be easy to digest but that you hope your relationship is strong enough to survive. Again, it’s only 2 years! Hopefully he agrees with me. Good luck!


Ageism

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

My friend Jenny turned 30 a few weeks ago and has found herself locked out of the dating game. Her JDate profile no longer shows up on many men’s pages because their age preference ends at 29. When she checks out guys she looks at their preferences only to find out she matches them… all except for age.

I figure if you’ve taken the time, money and effort to create a profile on JDate then why not make your chances of meeting someone as high as possible. A guy who meets Jenny at a party and finds out that she fulfills all his preferences accept that she’s no longer in her twenties is not going to reject her but will instead make an exception – so why systematically reject her online before you’ve even given her a chance?

If you expand your age range too wide there will be less of a chance of having a connection based on where you are in your life and the things you’ve already experienced, or are yet to experience. Any narrower and you’re lessening your chance of finding your Beshert by eliminating thousands of prospects by selecting just one year less.

I told Jenny that eventually the ignorance of these men will change because they’re going to find themselves continuing to be single on their next birthday and then having to up their age limit – at which point Jenny will be included in their searches… at least until her next birthday.


Sexy at (Almost) Sixty

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I am 59 but look about 50. The problem is men my age want younger women. I work out, have had a good facelift and I’m used to younger men chasing me. What should I do?

Dear Sexy at (Almost) Sixty,

It won’t hurt for you to select a wide age range on JDate and allow the men to know you are open to dating younger if they are interested. Based on the description of your appearance, I think you would benefit greatly from JDate events geared to the older crowd. That way men can hit on you based on your appearance not your age. At the same time, don’t be ashamed of your age — give the men an opportunity to be impressed with how young you look!


Creep or Compatible?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I’m 59 and my wife died about a year and a half ago. It seems like every other day I get another JDate Match sent to me of women who are between the age of 35 and 40. Some are pretty attractive! I just keep thinking that if I express interest in any one of them, I’ll come off as some creepy, lecherous, old guy.  Help me out here- is this just in my head or is it just outright creepy?

Dear Creep or Compatible,

I appreciate your concern for not wanting to come off as a creep. There is quite a difference in life experience between a 59-year-old widow and a 35-year-old single. JDate matches are sent to you based off of the preferences you both set, so if you want to find out about women a few years older than you, you need to change your age range settings. Once you do that, you need to check the preferences of the matches you’re receiving by scrolling down to the bottom of their profiles to see if you fit into their age range and marital status choices. There must be something you have in common which is why you got the match sent to you, but both of you having a dog and living in the same zip code does not a shidduch make. If you do find that you have many commonalities then it won’t hurt to send an email saying both that you seem to have a lot in common and that you hope you’re not coming off as overachieving (try not to use the word “creep” in a first email). The worst that will happen is that you won’t hear back. Good Luck!


Pep In My Step

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I am 70 years young, full of pep and in excellent health. I feel like I’m 40! But that seems to limit my dating partners. The people I’ve noticed on JDate are old enough to be my mother and I’m not looking for that. I was 12 years older than my wife until she passed away but I don’t know if I will ever have any chance of meeting someone 12 years younger at this point.

Dear Pep in my Step,

I believe age is a state of mind and that is what obviously keeps you young at heart. That said, I don’t think it’s fair to judge a book by its cover. Some of the women your age may be just as young at heart as you are but you need to give them a chance in order to figure that out. At the same time, I think it’s quite realistic for you to have an age range preference as young as 55 and as high as 75. Your active lifestyle needs to be expressed obviously yet eloquently in your profile — you don’t want to come off as egotistical but you also want to be clear that you want someone just as active as you are. An active older gentleman such as you is a hot commodity, and I don’t think you’ll have any problems. Just be open to giving women a chance no matter how old they are or how old they look. Good Luck!


Age Range Rover

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

A few years ago I dated a guy about five years older than me. When the relationship ended, I was stunned to see him step out with a woman five years older than he. That’s when I realized I was competing with women ten years my junior for the same men. Not a comforting thought.

This realization opened my eyes to a number of things. First, the guys on JDate are selecting a much wider age range than I had assumed. Men are far more open to dating women both much younger as well as much older than they are. Second, women tend to have much stricter standards and that calculates to more women per capita, an equation that makes an already tough dating scene seem impossible. It also made me realize that I don’t want to still be single ten years from now dating guys that are also dating girls ten years younger than I. If it bothers me as the younger woman in the scenario, I can’t even begin to imagine how perturbed the older women are.

I decided that women need to take a page from the men’s handbook and increase their age range preference. Of course you need to feel comfortable, but there’s no reason not to date a guy a year or two younger or, even, up to ten years older. If you feel old enough to be a guy’s mother or young enough to be his daughter, then maybe you’ve gone too far. Simply increase your age range a little bit in each direction in order to increase your chances at meeting your beshert. Good Luck!