Dear Tamar,

I have been approached on JDate by much younger men and it confuses me.  I am widowed and, for me, the comfort of being with a widower makes wonderful sense so I’m sad to see that some of these men are this much younger than I and with a loss already.  There is someone that I feel a connection with at this time and I’m nervous that he neglected to see my age. Is this younger man/older woman (Ashton and Demi) becoming trendier?  I’m battling grey hairs and wrinkles!

Dear May-December Romance,

There is no way that age can be ignored on JDate, so believe me this guy knows EXACTLY how old you are and he likes it! Age is one of the first things people look at and next to location it’s probably the most utilized tool to separate your prospects.  It sounds like you’re a hot widow that looks young for her age and is doing a great job battling the gray hairs and wrinkles! Your youthful appeal is probably also emanating from the inside out, so enjoy the attention and be open to the possibility of falling in love with a younger man!

Look good, feel good or feel good, look good? For some people looking good does make them feel good about themselves, for others they need to feel good in order to look good.

We all hear about beauty coming from the inside, and that’s all fine and dandy, but let’s be honest: When you’re single and dating you need to look good on the outside because sometimes your first impression is the only one you’re going to get. So yes, feeling good on the inside is going to emanate through and make you more attractive but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put forth some effort into looking good on the outside as well. Be the full package.

That means you need to take care of yourself. If you’re past the age of 40 and still single, or are single again after a divorce, then think about going to a spa to get some treatments. Dye your hair, get a facial, manicure and pedicure, try a facial injectible, have an aesthetician do your makeup, get a personal shopper to dress you and so on. By looking good on the outside, you’ll feel good on the inside and that will have a direct effect on your dating life. Many of these techniques will work no matter your age; just because you’re in your 20′s doesn’t mean you look as good as you could or should.

It’s not about being judgmental or superficial, it’s about being realistic. Think about that feeling you get when you walk out of a salon with a fresh haircut… now do what it takes to have that feeling all the time!

Dear Tamar,

I was dating this guy long distance who I met on JDate. He thought I was 3 years younger and when I told him my true age he said I lied and abruptly broke up with me. He said he cannot handle a lie because he had been lied to before. We had only seen each other twice over about 4 or so months when he came to town for two weekends but he said that I lied for too long. He said that if I would have told him the truth anytime beforehand he would have been okay with it. What happened?

Dear Lying About Your Age,

I’ve gotten so many emails from people asking if it’s okay to lie about your age so that you’re not blocked out by someone’s age preference. And if you decide to do so, when should you ‘fess up? I’m not going to endorse lying, but if you’re going to do so then you need to admit your real age right away when you meet. It’s not fair to let someone get to know you and like you when you’ve misrepresented yourself. It’s simple — when you first meet someone, exchange pleasantries and then stop the conversation and come clean. Let them know your motivation was pure and that if they’re not cool with it you understand but that you hope your connection is strong enough to continue the date.

As for the guy you already went out with, write him an email. Take your time writing it, make sure there are no typos or grammatical errors to distract him from your message and explain what happened. Let him know how much you like him and that you thought you had already told him about your real age. Apologize and ask him to forgive you based on the connection you created. Since some time has passed, it will allow him to calm down about the whole ordeal and he can read your reasoning at his pace, and he may change his mind. But he may not. It can’t hurt to try.

My big brother turns 30 this week. When we were kids, I couldn’t stand the fact that he would forever be two years, one month, and 17 days older than me. But now I am quite comfortable with this distance. I’ve got a bit of time. Not much, but a bit. For a woman, these numbers are excruciatingly tinged with biological importance. Not only from the obvious reproductive standpoint but, much more sadly so, from our marketability as mates. Even in 2011, it is still a man’s world in some ways and the double standards in this department are an unfortunate status quo of American culture. Silver foxes are foxy. Hands wrinkled by housework, are not so sexy.

So I’ve got a bit of time to capture the heart of man on sheer looks alone before I start to have to improve my personality. I will try to reel one in with those fleeting assets I still posses, and don’t ever plan to pay for.

Dear Tamar,

I am turning 39 next week and am feeling increasingly depressed about it.  It seems men only want to date women up to around age 32, judging by the profiles I have read.  One went so far as to confirm why: He wants kids.  Ugh.  I recently dated a guy who was several years younger than I, and he had serious concerns about my ability to have children, and I felt pressured about having a timeline.  These concerns were discussed at only 7 weeks into our relationship, which he admitted was off to a pretty great start with this little exception.  What am I supposed to do?  I’m a great person! I wasn’t expecting to be single at 39, but it happened.

Dear 39 & Out of Time,

I don’t think most women your age expect to still be single, but this generation is seeing people marrying older and older and starting their families in their 40s. Are you as open minded as you’re asking men to be? Meaning — are you open to dating and marrying an older man? If you’re dating men several years younger then make sure you’re also dating men several years olde; be an equal opportunity dater.

I don’t think 7 weeks in is so early to be discussing children. By 2 months in you should know if the relationship is moving forward or not. If the guy really liked you it wouldn’t have mattered about your ability to bear children. It’s well documented that it’s more difficult to get pregnant after 35 so any educated man is going to be curious as to your desire to have children — not that you have any control over your ability to do so. That said, if a man in his early 30′s is so concerned than why is he even bothering you to begin with?

Concentrate on meeting who you can online and then try going to some JDate events so you can meet people in person where you won’t get systematically eliminated based on your age before you even meet.

Hi Tamar:

I just read your post “Never Been Married” from January 19 about your friend who met a 40 year old who has never been married or come close to it.

Characterizing those of us who are in our 40s and haven’t married yet as “over the hill” and “too picky until it was too late” is just so biased. There is no age limit or restriction for when people get married. And just because the majority of people do it in their 20s and 30s, doesn’t make the rest of us wrong or abnormal.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your email! I completely agree that there’s no age limit and that not having been married by your 40th birthday doesn’t make you abnormal. My concern is when someone reaches the age of 40 and hasn’t been in a serious, long-term relationship. There is someone (or more than one someone) for everyone and some people just meet them later in life. I believe that every relationship throughout your life helps shape the person you are, so it’s imperative to have both made a commitment and have had your heart broken by the age of 40.

My JDating® friend Miriam just met a guy who is approaching 40 and has never been in a serious, long-term relationship that was headed for marriage. I found it highly suspect that someone with so many years of dating under his belt had never been engaged, or lived with someone. I understand that some people were busy and invested in their career. I have sympathy for people who didn’t realize they were being too picky until it was too late. I have empathy for people who simply weren’t ready until they were over the hill.

But I question the person’s willingness to compromise and be compatible with others. Most of the men and women I know who are still single and in their 40s are beyond stubborn and not willing to change anything in their life anymore because they have become too self-sufficient and independent. They are so used to being alone that they can’t seem to share their life in order to make a relationship work.

Every single – no matter their age – needs to be open-minded, willing and flexible. There is not one relationship – friendship, marriage or otherwise – that is successful without compromising. Both participants have to be prepared to meet in the middle. I know plenty of 30-year-olds who are just as stuck in their ways, but luckily for them they still have time to learn and adjust before their biological clock starts ticking in overdrive.

Dear Tamar,

I am 70 years young, full of pep and in excellent health. I feel like I’m 40! But that seems to limit my dating partners. The people I’ve noticed on JDate are old enough to be my mother and I’m not looking for that. I was 12 years older than my wife until she passed away but I don’t know if I will ever have any chance of meeting someone 12 years younger at this point.

Dear Pep in my Step,

I believe age is a state of mind and that is what obviously keeps you young at heart. That said, I don’t think it’s fair to judge a book by its cover. Some of the women your age may be just as young at heart as you are but you need to give them a chance in order to figure that out. At the same time, I think it’s quite realistic for you to have an age range preference as young as 55 and as high as 75. Your active lifestyle needs to be expressed obviously yet eloquently in your profile — you don’t want to come off as egotistical but you also want to be clear that you want someone just as active as you are. An active older gentleman such as you is a hot commodity, and I don’t think you’ll have any problems. Just be open to giving women a chance no matter how old they are or how old they look. Good Luck!

Girls are intimidating enough as it is; please don’t make age another factor of fear.  I, as well as many male JDaters®, have noticed that women typically are only interested in men of their age or older.  For example, if a woman is 24, then she is normally interested in men ages 24-34.  That is a tough break for all of the 23-year-olds that would have been perfect for her; or the 35-year-olds that have gone through realistic-looking facial plastic surgery and look 34, tops.  It’s also not easy for the 18-year-old men that claim to be mature beyond their years (while maintaining the sensibilities of a rugged 19-year-old).

Many times, I find that I am too young for the prospective woman.  For example, if my father and I have both conversed with the same woman on JDate, it’s time to rethink my strategy.  Conversely, if I end up chatting with a girl my little sister’s age, strategy must again be rethought.

Of the two extremes, I am more often too young.  Women in their thirties know exactly what they want and they can cut you down to your core in a three minute conversation.  For example:

Me: Hi

Woman: You are young.  Of what value do you have to me?

Me: Um

Woman: Goodbye

On the other hand, if I am the older one, I instantly feel creepy.  I feel like I shouldn’t be talking to this person, even though she’s only two years younger than I am.  Here’s how a typical conversation with a younger woman goes down:

Me: Hi

Woman: Hi

Me: Is your dad monitoring this conversation?

Woman: What?

Me: Gotta go

Is there not one 27-year-old woman whom I can chat with so it’s not weird?

Upon signing up for an account on JDate you’re asked to choose an age range for your matches. Choosing your age range doesn’t sound like it should be a complicated matter, but alas age isn’t just a number. By choosing a narrow age range you’re systematically eliminating thousands of prospects simply because of age.

Like is attracted to like.  So, someone just out of college is often drawn to someone who is in the same phase in their life, while someone in their late 20’s who is working really hard to get to the top of their field is attracted to other people in a similar stage. The same goes for people in their early 30’s who are beginning to think about starting a family, they’re looking for someone who’s on the same page. That’s why many people end up dating and marrying people around the same age. But selecting a narrow age gap on JDate is not in your favor. If you’re a 28-year-old female and select a maximum age of 32, imagine how many 33-year-olds you’re excluding. Now imagine how many 34-year-olds you’re excluding. And it’s only an age gap of a few years!

When you meet someone at a bar you can only attempt to measure his or her age based on their looks, and possibly their career and maturity, but you were attracted to that person and started getting to know him or her before asking their age. So when it turns out that he or she is a few years younger than your minimum or a couple years older than your maximum, are you going to turn your back? Probably not, so attach that philosophy to your JDate account and broaden your options.

Interestingly, as we get older our preferred age range tends to change. First, it broadens and then it becomes narrower. When you’re approaching your 30’s you tend to only add a few years on each end because for some inexplicable reason age matters.  However, in your mid-30’s the age range widens a bit as other, more important traits take precedence. And as 40 looms in the not too distant future you’re more than willing to add 10 years on each end because you become pickier about other qualities. I actually think the last approach is best – make the age range as broad as possible and use other, more important, traits to narrow down your search.