Age UN-Listed

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I listed my correct age when I filled out my JDate profile, but I see that many men only want to meet women who are younger than them.  I don’t see why women should have to “settle” for much older men while men date much younger women.  Perhaps I should have lied about my age in filling my profile. Any suggestions?

Dear Age UN-Listed,

I don’t endorse lying about your age (or much else) but I get this question time and time again from women in their 30′s to women in their 80′s. I know it’s a problem and it has been for centuries… and it’s not fair. If you were to meet a man at a party then he wouldn’t know your age until he asked, but on JDate it’s not only one of the first things he sees but he can actually set his search preferences in such a way to eliminate women his own age!

So this is my advice to you — put your true age and then search for the men you are interested in. Look at their profiles and they will see that you did so. Send a flirt and even a message letting him know that although you may not fall into his preferred age range that you hope he’ll take a look.

And my advice to the men — age discrimination will only make you miss out on lots of fabulous women. Broaden your horizons and consider women even a couple of years older than you. It can’t hurt, right?


Liar, Liar

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I’m 40, single, and am successful in everything but love. So I’ve been lying about my age because I feel like I’m not getting any attention due to my age. I’m only viewed by men over 50! So I say I’m 36 and have met more guys I like but then I don’t know when or how to come clean. Help!

Dear Liar,

Why start off a relationship with a lie? I know you’re only trying to widen your possibilities and I also understand how frustrating it is that men are practicing ageism online. I don’t condone lying, but if you’re intent on doing so and have already met some men you like then I suggest you ‘fess up soon.

Admit your real age as soon as you meet the guy in person. Once you and your date exchange formalities you need to stop the conversation and say “Listen, I need to tell you something now. I hated having to lie, but I fidged on my age – I’m actually 40, but I never would have met you if I hadn’t said I was 36. I hope you don’t care and still want to get to know me, but if you have a problem with it I totally understand.” I believe most men won’t have a problem with it.

That said, it also depends on the age of the men you’re aiming to date. If you’re altering your age to date guys in their early 30’s, your confession may not be so readily accepted. But if you’re lying to date another 40 year old or even a 36 year old, then there shouldn’t be a problem… and if there is, then they’re ageist and not your Beshert anyway.

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Age Before Beauty?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I just turned 79. I really look 69. I wrote 75 in my profile and found somebody who was exactly was I was looking for! He is 77 but when I gave him my email he wrote that I was deceiving him because he found out my real age and then he stopped all communication. If I put 79 in my profile I get all 80 year olds and up. I have nothing to do with that age range. I am very active and relate more to younger people and they respond to me. I am ready to give up my search. I have no hope. What can I do?

Dear Age Before Beauty?,

The guy doesn’t sound very nice. In fact, I’m appalled by his behavior. No offense, but at 77 can he really afford to be so strict? He obviously thinks that age is more than a number whereas you believe that it’s nothing but a number. He’s not your Beshert. Forget about this guy and move on.  You’re young at heart and that’s what matters! I don’t think a little white lie of 4 years is such a big deal and it’s not like you’re not going to admit your real age, right? Since you’re an active senior, be active on JDate as well. That means you need to seek out the guys that fit your preferences — age, activities, location, hobbies and so on. Then go ahead and write them an email and let them know exactly what you told me — that you’re 79 but look and act more like 69 and are not interested in men older than you. On the same note — don’t discount 80-year-olds, they could be just as young-looking and active as you!


Ageism

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

My friend Jenny turned 30 a few weeks ago and has found herself locked out of the dating game. Her JDate profile no longer shows up on many men’s pages because their age preference ends at 29. When she checks out guys she looks at their preferences only to find out she matches them… all except for age.

I figure if you’ve taken the time, money and effort to create a profile on JDate then why not make your chances of meeting someone as high as possible. A guy who meets Jenny at a party and finds out that she fulfills all his preferences accept that she’s no longer in her twenties is not going to reject her but will instead make an exception – so why systematically reject her online before you’ve even given her a chance?

If you expand your age range too wide there will be less of a chance of having a connection based on where you are in your life and the things you’ve already experienced, or are yet to experience. Any narrower and you’re lessening your chance of finding your Beshert by eliminating thousands of prospects by selecting just one year less.

I told Jenny that eventually the ignorance of these men will change because they’re going to find themselves continuing to be single on their next birthday and then having to up their age limit – at which point Jenny will be included in their searches… at least until her next birthday.