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by JeremySpoke under JDate,Success Stories

Either my blog posts are getting worse, or people are getting angrier for some ulterior reason. I’m starting to get a handful of angry replies about my updates. Here is what I wrote in the latest post that irked one reader:

“If you live in the suburbs, which many of you reading this probably do, there is really nothing to be afraid of, short of death or serious illness of yourself or a loved one.”

And here is how the reader responded in a comment:

“What?!? Do you even know what you’re talking about?”

In context, they were referring to a post I wrote where I discussed how fear can drive you to do great things, but can also consume you. I think this reader took my writing a bit literally. For example, the preceding sentence of my post read, “You can’t live with constant fear (unless you’re that woman who was trapped in that dungeon in the Netherlands… or somebody is chasing you with a buzz saw).” By his logic, it is perfectly normal and commonplace in today’s society for someone to be chased around with a buzz saw, but completely unacceptable that a person’s two biggest concerns should be death or serious illness of a loved one.

Of course there are countless other valid concerns that suburbanites should have, and of course, not all of our readers live in the suburbs. I use hyperbole to make broader points. If it offends you that I made a generalization that you live in the suburbs, maybe you should leave your moderately-sized house just outside the city and go volunteer somewhere.

Again, I don’t know you at all, and I’m sure you’re a great person, and you probably volunteer more than I do anyway. But let’s face it, you do live in the suburbs, and if it angers you that I think you should concern yourself with the health and well-being of yourself and your loved ones, I’m sorry to suggest something so terrible.

Let me be your scapegoat. If you’ve had a long day, and come on here for some dating advice, and read one of my posts that doesn’t always have to do with dating, go ahead and yell at me. You’re right. I don’t always talk about dating. Dating is important. JDate is important. If it wasn’t for either, I never would have found the greatest woman I have ever met. However, there is more to life, and I write about that as well.

If you spend all day worrying about dating and finding the perfect person for you, you’re probably not going to find someone for a while. Take a step back. Put up some nice profile pictures, be honest in your profile, occasionally browse the site to find someone good for you, and something will eventually happen. It took me five years to realize this. JDate is a tool. A great tool. However, it is not life. Life is too complex, and if you spend all of your time on here, it will show. JDate can’t make you somebody you’re not. It can only show the world the great person that you are.

If you are still angry at me, leave a comment on this post. In order to do so, click on the title of this post and then leave a reply at the bottom. Also, if you like my writing, you can leave a reply too. I don’t really get a lot of feedback on this outside of my friends and family, and after over 200 posts, I want to make sure that I’m helping (or at least entertaining) people.


Should She Stay or Should She Go?

by GemsFromJen under JBloggers,Relationships

Dear Gems from Jen,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half and the relationship is great, until we have a disagreement. Arguments result in him screaming, cursing, talking nasty, etc. There is nothing that I can say or do to make him stop once it starts. It’s like he turns into a different person. I have recently noticed that he feels attacked and shuts down every time I bring something up that hurt my feelings and he says things like, “I am always wrong, everything is my fault, you are perfect.” It does not help that I am pretty sensitive and honestly believe that if you love me and you know this hurts me, why would you continue to do it? I have never put up with this in the past, but since the relationship is great otherwise and he  apologizes eventually and even began reading an anger management book, I decided to stick it out. He even said he would talk to someone about it. I also noticed that anytime I bring something up, he brings things up from the past (things that have been resolved) to justify his actions, as to say…”Since you did this back in June, I don’t want to hear this mess.” He  once made plans without me and it hurt my feelings, so I told him this very calmly and it snowballed into a war. Initially I was a little upset, but after I talked to him and he blew up, I was more hurt than anything because of the way he talks to me when he is upset. He does not have a sensitive, considerate, compassionate bone in his body when I am trying to communicate to him about things he could have done better; but he is the greatest guy to his family and friends and to me when we are not arguing. We have talked about marriage, even went to look at rings. We are both ready to start a family but I refuse to move forward if things don’t change. When is enough, enough? Should I stay or should I go?

 Dear Should I Stay Or Should I Go,

 I am going to say this as compassionately as possible, but nonetheless I am going to say it. What would make you feel as if you deserve this kind of treatment? No one deserves to have his/her feelings turned against them.  No one deserves to be screamed at, cursed at, or spoken to in a nasty manner. Your feelings do matter. What you have to say does matter. This boyfriend of yours sounds like an explosion waiting to happen. It seems apparent to me that you need to go talk with someone so that you can find your inner strength. I understand that he has promised to talk with someone, but you are the one who needs the empowerment. This relationship sounds emotionally abusive and you and only you can make the decision if you should stay or go.

Think about this; do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells? Do you want to continue to make excuses for his behavior? I get your point that when he is not angry, he is great, but this guy has shown you a side of himself which has you questioning your entire relationship with him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life comparing his appropriate behavior to his inappropriate behavior? Do you want to have a family with someone who could potentially do this to your children as well?

I cannot make this decision for you. You will have to find a resolve inside of yourself to make this monumental decision. Please keep in mind that you have the power to change only you.  No amount of work can change anyone else. People only change when they want to, and on their own terms. 

 Signed,
 Gems from Jen

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