I admit it, I judge people by their appearances. I try to stop myself because it’s an ugly habit, but sometimes it gets the best of me. I look at people who I know are single and I think of ways in which they could better their appearances in the hopes of meeting someone. Even if that person isn’t the typical “pretty,” he or she is someone’s type. Everyone is someone’s type. That said, you should look your best YOU. Spend the money to invest in good makeup and spend the time to learn to apply it and apply daily. Spend the money to invest in a good beard trimmer and spend the time to learn to line up your neck and do it every few days. Get contact lenses, highlights, braces, etc just so you can look the best you can for you. Will someone be attracted to you with no make-up or shaggy hair? Sure. But why depend on that. Instead, take action to put the odds in your favor.
You have to be ready to find love at any time in any place. That means having your make-up done, hair brushed and clothes fitting at all times. It could be a contact coming in for a business meeting in your office — so make sure you’re always put together in a well-fitting suit. It could a new guy in your workout class — so make sure your workout clothes are, um, supportive. It could be a new neighbor in the elevator — so wear cute sweats at all times. Just because you’re meeting your boys at the local dive to watch football doesn’t mean you shouldn’t change out of the shirt you wore to bed. Meeting your girls for Happy Hour after work? Remember to pack some items in the morning so you can freshen up first. You have to make the effort. Every time you leave the house is an opportunity. Make sure you capitalize on each one!
Which is more important – looks or personality? Would you rather spend the rest of your life with someone who is smart as a whip, a great conversationalist and well-read but not particularly gorgeous or someone who is beautiful and has an amazing body but spends most of her time discussing the latest celebrity gossip. So is it brains or beauty?
Obviously we each strive to find our Beshert whom we are attracted to both physically and mentally, but if I had to choose one, I think I’d prefer the former. I’d rather be able to have scintillating conversation for the rest of my life. Not only do looks fade, but they can only get you so far. Do you want to roll over in bed in 50 years and see a wrinkled has-been (or worse, someone overly-nipped-and tucked) and talk about Kim Kardashian or do you want to see someone that you’ve grown to be attracted to and can discuss politics, current events, philosophy and so on?
Of course we strive to find the best of both worlds – someone who enjoys watching trashy television together after unwinding from a long day of work and also enjoys a good-natured debate about next year’s Presidential election.
When I first spotted my husband across the bar I was struck by his stature, his smile and his eyes. But it was the four hours of conversation after that which sealed the deal. We couldn’t stop talking – both about things we agreed upon and things which we respectfully agreed to disagree upon. I liked that he was the right-leaning moderate to my left-leaning moderate views. I liked that he was educated, worldly, sociable, and of course could make me laugh. He wasn’t just a pretty face.
When you’re out there dating you need to keep in mind that pretty isn’t the most important thing. You may initially be drawn to the most attractive person online or at the bar, but try to gauge what else they have to offer, otherwise it will seem like you’re having a date with a pretty painting, and you’ll soon be bored out of your mind. Needless to say, something about the person needs to make you want to get to know more about them, right? You can’t “see” substance, which is why you have to give everyone a chance and get to know them before discounting them.
Attraction can grow and it can diminish so make sure you’re contributing to a stable, steady growth in your relationships, and not responsible for it taking a nosedive. If you notice your date’s eyes roving or just a stream of “uh-hum’s” coming from their end of the conversation or if you keep going on first dates that never turn into seconds, try to see what you can change about yourself to stimulate your situation. Obviously you’re not going to know if you’re boring, but try to be aware of your date’s perspective of you. It doesn’t matter what you look like, but it does matter what comes out of your mouth. Read up on the news; make sure you’re up to date on the latest in your hobbies and interests; learn weird and interesting tidbits that you can share to create conversation. Do what you can to up your attractiveness quotient through other channels outside of your appearance.
I am 59 but look about 50. The problem is men my age want younger women. I work out, have had a good facelift and I’m used to younger men chasing me. What should I do?
Dear Sexy at (Almost) Sixty,
It won’t hurt for you to select a wide age range on JDate and allow the men to know you are open to dating younger if they are interested. Based on the description of your appearance, I think you would benefit greatly from JDate events geared to the older crowd. That way men can hit on you based on your appearance not your age. At the same time, don’t be ashamed of your age — give the men an opportunity to be impressed with how young you look!
One of the worst dating offenses I see when people-watching at JDate events is people who are either over or under made-up. Men and women are either over or under dressed, women either have too much or too little make-up on and hair for either sex is either dirty or overly styled.
I’ve already talked about changing your clothes after work or bringing a few accessories to work to dress up a work outfit. If the invitation says cocktail attire, try not to wear jeans. I know it’s trendy but it also sends a message that you’re not trying very hard. A woman who left work early to run home and shower, change into a dress and reapply make-up isn’t going to be turned on by a guy who also went home… but got distracted watching the game and then threw on a pair of jeans without a belt as he ran out the door.
Ladies — I am all for looking au natural but au natural is actually a make-up technique, it doesn’t mean leaving the house without make-up. It also doesn’t mean pancake-ing it on until you’re devoid of pores. It means applying a minimal to medium amount of make-up before you walk out the door so you can amplify your best features and look as though you’re not wearing any make-up. Men want to see your true face and don’t want to be surprised when the lights in the bar turn on.
When it comes to your hair: wash it, brush it and style it. It shouldn’t smell, look greasy or be too stiff with gel. Hair is an aphrodisiac and should be treated as such. Hair should smell good and make you want to reach out and run your fingers through it. Ladies – if you have long hair than wear it down so you can flip it over your shoulder and twirl it around your finger. If you have short hair, then just rock it! Men – the spiky look is not hot, handsome is in. If you use more hair product than me, we have a problem. Even bald men should make sure their noggin is smooth and not too shiny. Bald is sexy.
The bottom line is: make an effort to make an impact.
Besides having the right attitude at JDate events, you also need to look the part. I was shocked at the conditions in which people appeared at the JDate event I attended. Hair disheveled, no make-up or too much make-up, wrinkled clothing and facial expressions that leave much to be desired.
The event was held during the week after work. That means it was after people have been sitting at a desk in the same clothes they put on at seven o’clock that morning—a full twelve hours before attending an event where they hope to meet their beshert. Change your clothes. I repeat, do not go to a JDate event before changing the clothes you have been in all day. If you don’t have time to go home, bring a change of clothes with you to the office as well as a pair of non-work shoes for the ladies (read: sexy), a toothbrush and toothpaste, a comb, deodorant and make-up. You want to look put-together, smelling fresh and letting interested parties know that you took the time to get ready for the event. Finding love is important to you so make it a priority to look good.
The saying “look good, feel good” means that once you’ve got your clothes, face and hair right, you’ll feel better, have more confidence and this will shine through to the people around you. A study shows that when you smile, your brain thinks you’re happy and will release endorphins and you will actually start to feel happy. So if you’re not so happy to find yourself at a single’s event, smile anyways. You’ll start to feel better and not only will you attract people you will start to see others smiling because happiness is contagious. And nobody wants to talk to someone with a frown on their face, no matter how pretty that face is!
Going to a JDate event means taking the time to get physically as well as mentally prepared. It’s tough to put yourself out there but you have to do it with your best self otherwise you’re wasting your own time. When you set-up your JDate account you didn’t waste your time and money using pictures of yourself “undone,” so why go to a JDate event without fresh clothes, make-up, combed hair and a smile? Take the time to prepare yourself before putting yourself out there.
Like many people in our society, I put a lot of time and effort into my appearance, particularly when I am meeting new people and trying to make a good first impression. A couple of months ago I went out on a first date with a woman that I had met on JDate, and put a lot of time and care into my appearance since I was nervous and excited about meeting her.
From her pictures I could see that she was attractive so I wanted to present myself in the most appealing light. I fussed with my hair to the point where each strand was exactly how I wanted it and took great care in selecting my outfit. Even though I am someone who is generally very hard on myself, I had been so meticulous in getting ready for the date that even I had to internally admit that I looked good. As a result of my extensive preparation I showed up for the date that night feeling very composed, which helped me remain confident and relaxed throughout the evening.
Recently I have been planning dates for during the week, and therefore have been going straight from the office to the date; I haven’t had the time or opportunity to make myself look as pretty as I did for the date I discussed above. This being said, last week I made a plan to have a first date with another woman that I had met on JDate and was very excited about meeting her and going to dinner. My plan was to schedule dinner for a time that was not only reasonable to eat at, but would also allow me enough time after work to change and freshen up.
Regrettably, this plan went to you-know-where when work ran late and I ended up throwing on some clothes and racing out of the office. Even though I had pushed back our meeting time by over an hour, and had shown up looking tired and disheveled, she was very understanding of the situation and didn’t appear to hold it against me. Since, by the time I arrived, it was too late for even a “late dinner,” we decided to just walk around her neighborhood and grab some frozen yogurt, which ended up being really nice.
It’s funny because, as I was driving to meet her, I was very aware of the fact that I didn’t look and feel my best. Even so, I kept telling myself that I needed to relax and just be myself in spite of my appearance. By the time I met her I had calmed myself down and actually felt much more relaxed than I had on previous dates, probably because I hadn’t spent so much time preparing and building it up in my head.
Even though I probably didn’t look as out of sorts as I felt, the way I perceive myself in a given situation is ultimately half the battle in my being confident. Fortunately, for me, I was able to relax during our date and make a good enough impression to schedule another date for this upcoming week. I suppose in a lot of ways it feels good that even though I didn’t look or feel my best we still had a nice time and she wanted to go out again. Hopefully, this situation will have taught me to put a little less emphasis on deriving self-esteem from my appearance and more from how I am able to project myself and my best qualities.