under Date Night
At the beginning of the summer, I set my mind on becoming well read. Six books later, I’m feeling proud of sticking to that goal, and I’m even happier that it did not require me to drop any of my other ongoing goals. If you want to play a new instrument or learn to surf, I say go for it. Reaching for something reasonably within grasp and meeting a goal is a huge confidence booster.
If your goals are interpersonal, it’s a bit harder to just jump in, but it’s equally important to have measurable successes. Maybe you want to start going on more dates after a long dry spell. I always like to make goals quantifiable, but that’s just the engineer in me talking. Maybe you want to make more friends or go to temple more regularly. Goals are great, but they’re not as helpful tucked away on a shelf for later.
Someone who I’m close to (who hates unsolicited advice) mentioned they think they are going to “be alone forever.” How is she supposed to make progress toward her goal of having better relationships if she’s so negative from the get go? She hasn’t even tried to date since her relationship ended nearly three years ago.
Two small things I want to tell her:
- Attitude is HUGE! It’s maybe the most pivotal component to success.
- Why not now? Why not today? Your happiness may depend on it.
It doesn’t have to be a relationship. I’m sure she has other aspirations. You probably do too. Building your skills or trying something new may give you a funny new story to tell on a date, or may even make you a richer, happier person. There’s no harm in trying, in or out of the dating arena. You have nothing to lose, and only something to gain when you go for it.
under Single Life
The longer you wait to snap out of your funk, the harder it’s going to be to get back into the dating scene. Your dating skills will get rusty and your attitude – which just recovered – will turn negative once again. Sometimes you have to take a step back, everyone does, but don’t stay out of the game for too long. You don’t want to get to the point where you are dreading going to events because you assume it’s going to be the same old-same old. You’ve skipped a few, now jump back in! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you’re not going to meet your Beshert sitting at home on your couch every night. But, of course, some nights are okay because you’ll be logged on to JDate, right?
I recently attended a local JDate event to people watch and see if people knew how to market themselves without a computer screen separating them from reality. Sad to say, I was disappointed. Whether it means looking your best, putting a smile on your face, thinking about what you’re saying before you say it, or even how your nametag reads, everything counts and many people were failing on numerous levels.
Sometimes it’s general attitude. A few individual’s body language was so negative – arms crossed, shoulders hunched, sour look – that there was no way they were going to be approached. There were wallflowers left and right, people wandering through the crowd looking lost, others sitting down alone. You shouldn’t be ashamed to be at a JDate event because guess what? The people you’re meeting are there too! When you sign up for a JDate event, it’s time to throw caution to the wind, put yourself out there, lower any walls and find yourself some possible love interests.
Self-promoting is not an easy thing to do. We are not raised to be arrogant but, rather, humble yet confident so to talk about how great we are, how popular, how funny, how successful, how smart, how fabulous and so on is not natural. However, if you’re going to a JDate event then you gotta do it. You need to look your best, be outgoing yet natural, and not seem too desperate all at the same time.
The best thing about JDate events is that you should feel an instant kinship with everyone there and draw instant comfort from that. Everyone there is there for the same reason – to meet someone Jewish. Try to enjoy the opportunity of having hundreds of local Jewish singles in the same place at the same time with the same motivation.
More to come about what people show up looking like at the events in a few days.