After a tough breakup a lot of people think they need to start looking for someone who is the opposite of the type of person who just hurt them. But, finding someone who is blonde instead of brunette, corporate instead of an entrepreneur, quiet rather than loud, an introvert vs an extrovert, and so on, does not mean that the next relationship is going to be successful. There’s no one thing that is going to change the fate of a relationship. There are going to be traits that you’re attracted to which will contribute to a relationship never working, and there are traits that you will need in another person in order to complement your own traits. It will take some introspection to figure out which traits are which.
Liking a strong and outgoing person, but not wanting someone who is controlling is a difficult balance to find. That doesn’t mean that you should look for someone who is shy and quiet. Wanting to laugh and have fun is not the same as being made fun of and hearing constant sarcasm. That doesn’t mean you should find someone who is boring and serious all the time.
What it does mean is that you need to take your time and get to know someone, and see who you are and how you are when you are together.
under Date Night
There’s this guy I met on JDate about a year ago and we went out for a while; even though he definitely saw a future with me, I never felt there was a future, so I broke it off. I dated a few guys since then, and although there was more chemistry, they didn’t treat me as well and there were lots of other issues. I keep thinking back to that first guy, and wonder if I should give him a second chance to see if the attraction grows. What do you think?
-Give a Guy a Chance?
Dear Give a Guy a Chance,
You can’t force attraction, but you should allow yourself to open up to things that feel different. That initial attraction is often lust, which can dissipate over time. Being treated well and having a relationship grow based on respect and commonalities can create a much deeper bond and attraction. But, if you’ve given it a fair shake and there’s just something missing, then it’s only fair to the both of you to break it off again.
Be honest and be kind — this man has now been vulnerable with you twice.
A blogger from The Times of Israel recently posted an article called “15 Women Hotter Than Bar Refaeli.” It listed women such as Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Prime Minister Golda Meir and comedian Sarah Silverman. The point of the article is to show that what makes a woman “hot” is not just a gorgeous face or a sexy body, but brains and the ability to use them.
Looks are subjective; everyone has their own idea of what is sexy and what (or who) they are attracted to. However, brains, intelligence and ingenuity cannot be faked (at least not for long). You are going to click on someone’s profile because you’re attracted to their profile photo, but you’re going to continue being interested based on what’s beneath — so put more effort into getting to know your prospects before you determine that you are or are not interested.
My girlfriend Lauren has dated the same type of man over and over and over and finally realized after having her heart broken and being disappointed for the upteenth time that she was going after the wrong type. So she referred to her List and decided to only go for guys that actually fit her preferences rather than the guys she was instantly attracted to. And she found him. The guy who was perfect. He fit her List to a tee and she was hopeful that she had finally found her beshert. Except that’s all he was… good on paper. Something was missing, something she couldn’t put her finger on. He fulfilled all her requirements yet she wasn’t falling in love. What was missing? Being able to satisfy all your requirements and preferences on a checklist does not love make.
Your List is supposed to be helpful in keeping you away from people who aren’t right for you but that doesn’t mean that someone who hits all the marks will be right for you either. Don’t stay with someone just because they’re good on paper, but do give them a fair chance before you cast them by the wayside. Lauren continued to date this guy who was supposed to be her Mr. Right for nearly six months hoping that it would evolve into something more before finally pulling the plug. Lauren felt a bit lovelost as she thought that a man who checked off her non-negotiables would be “The One” but she recovered and set back out to find someone who both checked off MOST of her preferences while also giving her butterflies.
under Date Night
What do singles want? An online survey (taken by Market Tools Inc.) of more than 5,000 singles over the age of 21 said the first thing they judge about their date is… teeth. Why teeth? Teeth are an indication of your overall health.
So, make sure you:
- Floss the night before a date so your gums aren’t still swollen the next day
- Brush your teeth right before a date
- Pop a piece of minty gum in your mouth as you approach your date
- Don’t eat or drink anything on your date which will stain your teeth (ie. red wine) or smoke.
Even if you’re a smoker and your date is okay with that, try to not smoke after brushing your teeth until the date is over. You could have crowded teeth or a bad bite, but as long as your teeth are clean and white — and your gums are pink and healthy — then fret not, you will pass judgment.
Of course, you should floss regularly and brush your teeth twice a day and not smoke at all, but we all know that’s not always going to happen!
Millionaire CEO Brandon Wade recently wrote an article about the 5 things successful men look for in a woman. He asked 3,000 men who make upwards of $250,000 what the first thing they notice about a woman when assessing if they want to not only date her but marry her.
1. COMMUNICATION — verbal and written communication was the most important quality men noticed in women. They prefer speaking to a woman rather than text or email and desire a woman who can hold a conversation. When texts or emails are exchanged, they are turned off by silly abbreviations and typos.
2. POSTURE — don’t slouch. A woman that holds herself high is a confident woman who has manners.
3. WALK — a woman’s gait, how she carries herself while walking (speed, form) exudes confidence and creates a presence.
4. SENSE OF SELF — being a know-it-all or pretending to be a know-it-all is not attractive.
5. HAIR — men are not seriously drawn to a woman with messy hair, unnaturally colored hair. Having healthy hair is also an indication of the woman’s overall health.
Do you agree with this research?
None of the items seem too outrageous and most of them seem pretty obvious in fact. Speaking eloquently, sitting up straight, walking tall and not pretending you know something you don’t all seem like normal things a woman should practice, whether you are meeting a new man or interviewing for a job. The only one that caught me off-guard was the hair. Hair? It makes sense reading the reasoning, but I wouldn’t have thought that would have made the top five. It draws us back to a time when men would judge a woman’s desirability by her hips and weight, which equaled fertility and health and therefore her ability to bear a man children. So I guess healthy hair is the new indication of femininity. I could think of worse things…
Sure, everyone wants both, but if you can’t have both which would you prefer – spice or nice? What I’ve discovered is that you want your spouse to be a good person, a nice person. Do you need to be drooling over your spouse in 25 years? No, you need to be with a spouse who will be wiping your drool in 50 years instead. If there’s still physical and sexual attraction when you’re old and wrinkled then that’s absolutely amazing! But more often than not, looks fade. You need to have created a connection that is deeper than skin. When you’re fighting and not getting along and life gets in the way, you need to have something that will bind you together. Spice isn’t the ingredient you’ll need.
under Date Night
You’re only as stupid as you act. If you act stupid on a first date then don’t be surprised when there isn’t a second date. Acting stupid includes getting drunk, being too sexual, revealing too much, complaining and/or boasting about money, among other things. Act yourself, but act appropriately. No one wants to have to drive you home because you’re too drunk to drive, no one wants to have to continuously slap your hand off their thigh, or listen to you discuss your family drama, or feel guilty about ordering an appetizer AND an entree. They may want to have a drink with you, give you a kiss goodnight, bond over the generic Jewish mother jokes or discuss the low interest rates. First dates are not for the same discussions you have with your best friend or your therapist. You’ll have enough time once you’re married to act dumb.
Conversely, beauty is as beauty does. You’re only as beautiful as you act. The most beautiful person in the world with nothing between the ears loses their luster pretty darn quickly.
The moral? Put a smile on your face and don’t act a fool. You’ve gotta start somewhere!
When you’re on a first date, really try not to over-do it. Don’t arrive overly done up, you know: loads of eyeshadow and hairspray, too much cologne, etc. Don’t over indulge: don’t shovel food into your mouth or drink too much alcohol. Don’t over share: the only thing worse than a boring date is a date who appalls you with their stories. No, I don’t find your scent, your drunkenness or your pathetic story about your ex cheating on you for three years attractive. I know you’re trying to impress me and maybe you’re nervous, but slow your roll.
I’m 5 foot 6, and I always wear heels making me closer to 5’10”, so when I was single and on JDate I made my preference for men 6 feet or taller. I knew I was systematically eliminating thousands of great men (especially since Jewish men are not exactly known for their height), but I couldn’t bear the thought of wearing flats the rest of my life so that my man would always be taller than I. Stupid right? But everyone had their physical “thing” — be it height, weight, eyes, smile — you know, the one make or break trait you think you can’t live without. Height was my one thing and the only thing I was insistent on physically; it was what I needed for attraction. I kept trying to date guys under 6 feet, but it didn’t work. It wasn’t always only because of height of course, but it was always a part of it. If there’s one physical trait or personality trait that you just can’t live without, then don’t, but be willing to compromise on everything else. My husband is 6’2″, but he was also a smoker until recently, and I never in a million years thought I would marry a smoker! Which was more important to me? Height won. And I got to keep my heels.