What Makes Someone “Hot”?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

A blogger from The Times of Israel recently posted an article called “15 Women Hotter Than Bar Refaeli.” It listed women such as Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Prime Minister Golda Meir and comedian Sarah Silverman. The point of the article is to show that what makes a woman “hot” is not just a gorgeous face or a sexy body, but brains and the ability to use them.

Looks are subjective; everyone has their own idea of what is sexy and what (or who) they are attracted to. However, brains, intelligence and ingenuity cannot be faked (at least not for long). You are going to click on someone’s profile because you’re attracted to their profile photo, but you’re going to continue being interested based on what’s beneath — so put more effort into getting to know your prospects before you determine that you are or are not interested.

3 Important Tips to Remember Before the First Date

by Tripp under Online Dating,Single Life

So you’ve been messaging back and forth with that cute punum the past week and you finally set up a date. Maybe you even had a phone call beforehand and got to know each other. The date is set and the place is picked. To help ensure you make it a successful date, I’ve made a list of three essential steps to take:

1) Relax

Don’t go into this thinking he/she will be your future husband or wife. Take it slow. A lot of people get super excited about dates and think “this may be ‘The One.’” If you go into a date with that mindset, then you will set yourself up to lose. Instead, think about this date as another experience you get to have with an interesting person. Heck, you already qualified them for what you’re looking for. Now, enjoy the time together and don’t rush it.

2) Dress The Part

This advice is mostly for the guys here. Dress up! This is a date. Think Friday Night Services. You want to impress your date and look good, right? Put on a decent collared shirt (make sure it fits) and a nice pair of shoes. Women give extra special bonus points to the guys who know how to dress. Girls, I’m sure you got this part handled.

3) Bring the Energy!

Yes, I said to relax, so this might seem a little contradictory. But, dates are about fun! If you aren’t eager to be there, then you will put your date off. Ask them intriguing questions. Tell them your funniest stories (don’t get too crazy). And have fun. When you enjoy the moment, the people around you will enjoy it too. It’s never enough to just show up. Bring your A-game.

Those are the most important tips to having a successful date #1. Follow these three tips and you will be on your way to a successful date #2. That is what you want, isn’t it?

Read more from Tripp here.

Nice Guys Needn’t Apply?

by AndyCowan under Relationships,Single Life

Women say they’re looking for a nice guy. But is nice too boring? Do nice guys finish first in the dating world? Or do they need to toss a little danger into the mix? You’ve heard of the expression, smart women/foolish choices. Is that because, a la Groucho and Woody, these ladies are less interested in being a member of a club (nice guy) that would have them as a member?

Over the long haul of a relationship, “nice” rules. But to get women interested enough to commit to that relationship in the beginning, I will now periodically be dangerous.

Should we watch a video back at my place, I won’t stop nuking the popcorn until I hear the very last pop.

It’s a start.

Skewed View

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

When you view page after page after page of prospects on JDate, you can start to develop a skewed view of what’s (or who’s) hot and not. Some JDaters® may look attractive in comparison to others, when alone in real life you may think differently. Other JDaters may stop looking good because you’ve just spent too much time scanning and are going plum-crazy-blind and need a break from looking at the computer screen. Make sure you take your time checking out your prospects, and if it means sleeping on it then do so. Fresh eyes= fresh perspective.

Are good girls a turn off?

by jpompey under Relationships

In some of my other blog entries I discussed the fact that men are highly attracted to bad girls for various reasons.

However, does this mean that on the flip side, being a good girl is actually a turn off?

When I think of good girls, on the one hand I see a smiling happy couple, a beautiful house, a long lasting relationship with kids playing on the front lawn.

Then there is the dark side of me that sees someone that is uptight, never lets me do what I want, tries to always be perfect, and when it comes to one on one time, well…

Let’s keep this G Rated shall we? ;)

The truth is, I more often see a good girl as something somewhat desirable, but lacking everything I truly want.

Where is the balance?  Is it possible to have a girlfriend that is good girl half the week and bad-ass come weekend?!  How about a beautiful, sexy woman, that is full of tattoos, is up for anything, but is a saint underneath it all?

Maybe I’m just never happy, but I want both!

Pretty Predicament

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Which is more important – looks or personality? Would you rather spend the rest of your life with someone who is smart as a whip, a great conversationalist and well-read but not particularly gorgeous or someone who is beautiful and has an amazing body but spends most of her time discussing the latest celebrity gossip. So is it brains or beauty?

Obviously we each strive to find our Beshert whom we are attracted to both physically and mentally, but if I had to choose one, I think I’d prefer the former. I’d rather be able to have scintillating conversation for the rest of my life. Not only do looks fade, but they can only get you so far. Do you want to roll over in bed in 50 years and see a wrinkled has-been (or worse, someone overly-nipped-and tucked) and talk about Kim Kardashian or do you want to see someone that you’ve grown to be attracted to and can discuss politics, current events, philosophy and so on?

Of course we strive to find the best of both worlds – someone who enjoys watching trashy television together after unwinding from a long day of work and also enjoys a good-natured debate about next year’s Presidential election.

When I first spotted my husband across the bar I was struck by his stature, his smile and his eyes. But it was the four hours of conversation after that which sealed the deal. We couldn’t stop talking – both about things we agreed upon and things which we respectfully agreed to disagree upon. I liked that he was the right-leaning moderate to my left-leaning moderate views. I liked that he was educated, worldly, sociable, and of course could make me laugh. He wasn’t just a pretty face.

When you’re out there dating you need to keep in mind that pretty isn’t the most important thing. You may initially be drawn to the most attractive person online or at the bar, but try to gauge what else they have to offer, otherwise it will seem like you’re having a date with a pretty painting, and you’ll soon be bored out of your mind. Needless to say, something about the person needs to make you want to get to know more about them, right? You can’t “see” substance, which is why you have to give everyone a chance and get to know them before discounting them.

Attraction can grow and it can diminish so make sure you’re contributing to a stable, steady growth in your relationships, and not responsible for it taking a nosedive. If you notice your date’s eyes roving or just a stream of “uh-hum’s” coming from their end of the conversation or if you keep going on first dates that never turn into seconds, try to see what you can change about yourself to stimulate your situation. Obviously you’re not going to know if you’re boring, but try to be aware of your date’s perspective of you. It doesn’t matter what you look like, but it does matter what comes out of your mouth. Read up on the news; make sure you’re up to date on the latest in your hobbies and interests; learn weird and interesting tidbits that you can share to create conversation. Do what you can to up your attractiveness quotient through other channels outside of your appearance.

October Dating Advice – A Secret Attraction Building Technique

by jpompey under Relationships,Single Life

What would you say if I told you that you could cause women to feel high levels of attraction towards you without even doing anything?

Would you be interested?

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret that most people don’t know about.

The human body is a complicated thing.  We are constantly releasing hormones and chemicals that cause us to feel and experience different things that are beyond our control.  And with that said, one of the things that we can’t control are feelings of attraction.

Attraction is something that men and women just feel.  We feel it mostly when we see something visual.  Women feel it for ten reasons that have nothing to do with looks.

With that said, one way to make women feel attraction is by scaring them.  When women are frightened it releases many of the same hormones that cause attraction.  And while we don’t want to scare them in the, I’m a creepy online dater way, we can find many fun activities that will provide our dates with a scare during October.  Stay tuned to future blog entries for some great ideas.


by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that the words “Vain” and “Naïve” share the same letters when both words are attached to dating. Case in point: I was chatting with a girlfriend’s younger, single sister and was taken aback by how vain she was and therefore how naïve that made her. Stella is a nice looking girl, tall, mid-twenties and educated. She is a successful website developer, is close with her family and is really funny. Stella’s had terrible luck dating, even worse luck with Jewish guys and has been on and off of JDate with no success.

I love a challenge so, of course, I asked her what she is looking for as I perused my mental rolodex thinking of tall, Jewish guys. The first – and admittedly most important – trait that she’s looking for is looks. As in really good looking. As in gorgeous Calvin Klein model. As I said, Stella is nice looking, not even near ugly, but she’s no Natalie Portman. And chances are that a Calvin Klein model isn’t Jewish. Is it possible that there’s a Jewish Adonis out there who wants to marry a Jewish princess? Sure. But it’s not realistic for anyone, Stella included. Needless to say, I don’t have any male models in my social rolodex so I guess I won’t be setting up Stella with anyone anytime soon… unless she changes her priorities.

It’s also naïve of Stella to think she can meet a Jewish guy when she’s not currently active on JDate or going to Jewish events. She even said that she’s not attracted to Jewish men… but wants to marry one. Ummm? How is that going to work?

Maybe it’s her age making her think that looks are what’s most important and I should give her a break. I, too, had backwards priorities when I was in my mid-twenties. Once she gets a few years of dating under her belt I bet she’ll shift her thinking naturally, but if I can give her a little nudge now…

Beauty Bias

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

The opposite of Halo Effect is “Beauty Bias.” The Beauty Bias is a term created by Stanford Law Professor Deborah Rhode to explain the phenomenon in America of why the less attractive you are, the less likely you are to be married and more likely to be poor, the more likely you are to receive a longer prison sentence, a lower damage award and a lower salary and poorer performance reviews. It’s the first part of the description “less likely you are to be married” that concerns me as the JDate expert.

Just as good looking people are incorrectly judged as automatically being good people, less attractive people are erroneously judged as being less desirable. We’re all guilty of it, regardless of how attractive we deem ourselves. If we believe someone is less attractive than us, we don’t give them a chance because we assume they don’t have any other qualities we would be interested in. It saddens me to see less attractive people getting rejected without a second glance by people who think they look too good. And, conversely, I give a little chuckle when a really good looking person who is lacking in personality is rejected by a less attractive but incredibly great person!

My hope is that a better understanding of the Halo Effect and the Beauty Bias will help people look past looks. I hope singles that are putting forth effort on JDate or at Jewish singles and networking events or on shidduchs will also put forth the effort to get to know someone before passing judgment based on their attractiveness quotient. Of course, attraction is important, but attraction comes from many places, not just from outward appearances.

I challenge all singles to stop judging people based on their looks and to give people a chance whom you wouldn’t necessarily have previously considered.

Halo Effect

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

The “Halo Effect” is a term coined by scientists to explain that when something looks good on the surface we tend to broaden the scope of that positive judgment to include other characteristics. The Halo Effect is incredibly prevalent in dating. It works like this: We see someone we’re attracted to and therefore believe them to be just as great on the inside as they are on the outside. Oftentimes, we subconsciously convince ourselves the other person must be an all-around great guy or gal simply because they have thick hair, shining eyes and a bright smile. Con-artists also tend to have those physical characteristics which is why they are successful at getting people to trust them. In the dating world, we call con-artists “players,” or people who know others are falling hard for them and don’t feel the same way yet still choose to play with their hearts and minds until they’re tired of the game and move on to the next victim. They know they can reel someone in and do so just for the fun of it. The Halo Effect in dating doesn’t always mean the guy or gal is a player; iit could be you’re then blindsided by their good looks and aren’t willing to admit to their faults.

Time and time again we pass judgment on people before getting to know them – whether good, bad or indifferent – and sometimes we get hurt in the time it takes to correct our initial opinion. Not all good looking people are jerks and not all average (or less than average) people are perfect citizens, we simply have to take the time to get to know someone and stop making snap judgments.