I am a relatively new member of JDate, the only online dating site I have ever used. I joined about a month ago, and of course was completely bombarded by emails, flirts, and IMs from the men on the site. I have been told by many that I wrote an excellent essay on both myself and what I’m looking for and my pictures are very popular as well. (I work in publication design, so I guess I knew what I was doing!) I was flattered by this unexpected explosion of attention, but frankly, expected it to die down after the first few weeks. It hasn’t. I am completely swamped by the amount of men communicating with me, and frankly, being a single mother who has custody of her child most of the time, I really don’t have enough time to date around. So my question is, “What’s a girl to do?” How do I filter through so many without spending all of my time online or inadvertently blowing off someone who may actually be perfect for me? Help!
Dear What’s a Girl To Do?
I wouldn’t go around bragging about all the attention you’re getting because most people are in the opposite situation. LOL. That said, you definitely need a technique to weed out the JDaters®. Instant messaging can take up a lot of time so if you have your kid that night then concentrate on your emails and save the IMing for the other nights. Next, have a standard rejection letter that you can copy and paste. In it, thank the suitor for his interest and then gently let him down. But let’s get back to how you eliminate suitors. You can quickly scan the photos and see if there’s attraction. Then read the emails and see if they are well written and include something about you to let you know the guy actually looked at your profile. From there, check out the profiles of whomever is left and see if your preferences match up and if you have commonalities. If you have attraction, are impressed by the email and share interests, then respond to the email and, in it, include your phone number. The guys that call within 2 days are the ones you want to concentrate on, the others are maybes. Finally, you can always write in your profile that you’re looking for only serious suitors. Hopefully that helps!
Welcome back the attraction building portion of this blog.
For those of you who are not familiar with my attraction building blogs, I have previously discussed in great detail that there are 10 different ways that all of us could attract women no matter what we look like.
Why? To put it simply, the female mind is evolutionarily wired in a completely different way than the male mind and females respond to completely different things than we do.
Today I will be discussing one of the best ways to build attraction, and possibly one of the most important: Showing high value.
Showing high value simply means having the ability to appear as if you are someone that society holds in high regard.
Not only do women respond to men who appear to be in high value, but you are simeltanously showing a number of things about yourself:
- Other people want and enjoy being around you.
- Society has a high respect for you so there must be something special about you.
- And simply, you are a valuable person.
All women want to be with someone that others will be impressed with, that they can show off, and that they can stand tall with, proud to call their significant other.
If you are someone that is of high value to society then you fit into these desires and consequently become a man worth chasing.
So how do we do we show this through online dating? In the next blog I will teach you a trick or two on how to establish this value.
I am wondering if there is something wrong with my profile or if I need to do something to it to get a little more attention here on JDate. I consider myself to be an attractive woman, I’m a grad student, I have a lot to offer, but I do not get a lot of quality guys contacting me on JDate. Any advice on updating/changing my profile to attract the right type of guy (more serious minded) would be greatly appreciated!
Dear Change It Up,
Anytime you’re looking for men who are more serious-minded to give you attention you need to reassess the vibe you’re putting across via your profile. If your photos are sexy and provocative then men will not take you seriously. You don’t want to look like a nun but you don’t want the photo to be all cleavage and skin either. What attracts men most is a great smile and eyes with some depth. Your About Me and other paragraphs shouldn’t be too flirty either. But, at the same time, you don’t want to come across as either desperate or boring, so you need to find the middle ground. Once you’re on a date you can crank up the flirt factor somewhat but waiting until the guy gets to know you before really turning it on would be most beneficial to you finding a guy who takes you — and a relationship — seriously.
While you’re out there searching for your special someone, remind yourself why you want to be one half of a couple and make sure your way of thinking is pure and real. Your reasoning for dating is written across your forehead in plain English whether you like it or not (and can be read between the lines of your profile). If you’re constantly wondering why perfectly eligible singles aren’t jiving with you, then maybe your purpose in dating isn’t genuine and you’re putting off the wrong vibe. Do you want to share your life with someone, grow old with the same someone and start a family with the same someone? Or are you just sick of being the fifth wheel, sick of sitting at the single’s tables and sick of going home to an empty house? Figure it out because you’re going to get whatever it is you put out there.
When you’re not sure about the kind of person you’re looking for and you’re not sure why you’re even out there looking, the doubt and cynicism will be apparent. Women can usually tell when a guy is not done playing the field, when he is still looking to have fun and is not yet ready to look for a wife and settle down. On the flip side, men can also tell when a woman is overly desperate and needy. How men and women react in these situations is something else altogether: some women may want to try and tame a player and some men go for a desperate woman because he may think she’s easy prey. Don’t fall into these categories if you don’t want to attract these types of people. Make sure you know what your target is – a fun time, a serious relationship or whatever it may be – and emote that on your face and in your body language.
under Online Dating
Can you please help me find someone beautiful that wants a serious relationship? Thank you……..!!!!!!!!
Dear Help Please!,
Looks like you’re helping yourself pretty well by #1 being on JDate and #2 writing me! If you’re really serious about finding your Beshert, follow my previous tips regarding creating your profile and setting your preferences. Remember, set flexible standards and don’t limit yourself in area, age range, education, etc. It will help if you make your own Top 10 list and spend some quality time ranking the characteristics that are most important to you. The top 3-5 should be items that you’re not willing to negotiate about. Although attraction is important, it can be based on many things so make sure “looks” are not on that list! Only eliminate prospects based on those traits because chances are you will find yourself attracted to people who have your desired features. The next thing to make sure you have in your favor when trying to find your Beshert is your attitude. Be upbeat, positive, interesting and conversational. Ask questions and listen to the answers, let your date get to know you as well and don’t forget to smile! Finally, if you’re interested in meeting a JDate or seeing a date again, don’t hesitate to make it obvious or to make the plans yourself! Good luck!
under Date Night
Month after month, the same faces seem to gaze upon you from the computer screen as you peruse JDate, searching, hoping that the discovery of a new face will appear. And you hope and wait and pray that this find will be a perfect match, both of you Hot-Listing each other, sending Flirts, messages and finally exchanging phone numbers only to meet up and unearth your beshert. But month after month this is not to be and your JDate prospects seem to be thinning as quickly as your boss’s hairline. Frustration sets in.
Date after date, the faces sitting across from you begin to all look alike, memories of those dates turn into a redundant void, lacking chemistry and stimulating conversation. Even still, you hope, wait and pray before each date that this time will be different; this time your interest will be piqued, and there will be instant attraction, and you won’t want the night to end. But date after date this is not to be and the possibility of finding your beshert seems to be disappearing faster than the alcohol at an open bar wedding reception. Frustration turns to indignation.
So what’s a single Jew to do? Before you become so cynical you can’t see straight, I suggest reevaluating what YOU want out of life, out of a mate. Talk to any of your single friends, of any gender, any age, in any city and you’ll be quickly comforted by the fact that you’re not alone in your misery. Reevaluate your priorities: where do you want to go in your career? Are you spending enough quality time with family and friends? Are you eating well and exercising? Take a step back and take some “you” time and then give your JDate profile a facelift.
Once you’ve put everything into perspective and finished your profile makeover (new photos, new screen name, new paragraphs and most of all, new attitude) you’ll not only begin attracting potential dates like a moth to a flame, but you’ll be the *NEW* face on the screen and faces that once blended into the background will now stand out. Try it and good luck!
After 11 hours and 5 minutes, Isner’s mesmerizing Wimbledon Marathon came to a victorious end. I cannot even imagine the pure physical exhaustion. Often, I hear about the same emotional exhaustion from my friends as it relates to dating. How many more 1st dates must I encounter until I find the last?? Optimistically, spreading the gospel I constantly remind all -”It only takes one” and you just never know where that encounter will take place. I do truly believe that. Yet, I more so believe it is a mental/emotional choice each individual makes that they are “ready” to build a relationship. Of course, attraction needs to be present, but at times that can grow. As can chemistry. You may have the endurance like Isner and can juggle 11 dates a week, but when nothing is sticking perhaps the real question is to look at yourself and ask why. Expectations of people too high? Are you looking for something that doesn’t exist? Are you ready? There will always be another bus around the corner and someone better suited for you that you haven’t met yet, but really isn’t that exhausting… Wouldn’t it be more fun to develop a fun bond of familiarity. Even if he/she doesn’t become your life partner, substance over quality seems like the real endurance test to me.
Choosing which photos to use in your JDate profile is not an easy task. And now that JDate has given you 12 options it actually makes the task more difficult. Select at least 4 photos since there are 4 profile pages, but you don’t really need more than 6 total. You need to make sure the photos actually look like you now, not last century. The first photo – the one that will be used in searches – should be your best and it should be a close-up of you and you alone. No friends, no family members, no pets. Don’t wear a hat if you’re bald, don’t flat-iron your hair if you normally wear it curly, don’t pick your black & white, air-brushed headshot from your brief attempt at acting. Since you do plan on meeting the other person eventually – and you wouldn’t be on the website if you didn’t – then they’re eventually going to see for themselves how you really look. Thus, you want to look better than the pictures you post, but you definitely need to resemble your pictures. The 2nd photo needs to be a full body shot to prove you are the body type you say you are. After that, the photos should show more about your personality and hobbies and can include other people (or animals) in them. These photos are there to affirm your looks are consistent and that the first great photo wasn’t a fluke. More about choosing photos next week…
If I’ve gone on one date with a guy and he asks to see me again, but I have no interest in pursuing the relationship for various reasons (for example, I’m not physically attracted to him), how do I tell him that I don’t want to go on any more dates with him without being rude?
Dear Just Not Interested,
I have come up with some great ways to soften the blow of rejection and I am more than happy to pass them on to you! One of my favorites I thought after an okay date with absolutely no attraction from my end. The next time he called I told him that I thought he was great, but that he would be a better fit for a friend of mine and did he mind if I set them up? (I actually did set them up and they dated for a few months before he moved away.) If he asks you out for another date before you’ve ended the first date, poise yourself and simply be honest but polite. Tell him that you had a nice time but you’re on JDate to find a husband and you just don’t think that he’s “the one” and you don’t want to waste his time by leading him on. Sure he’ll be offended but you can go your own way knowing that you did nothing wrong. Just do me a favor and remember to be a class act if you are ever on the receiving end of that line.