I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that the words “Vain” and “Naïve” share the same letters when both words are attached to dating. Case in point: I was chatting with a girlfriend’s younger, single sister and was taken aback by how vain she was and therefore how naïve that made her. Stella is a nice looking girl, tall, mid-twenties and educated. She is a successful website developer, is close with her family and is really funny. Stella’s had terrible luck dating, even worse luck with Jewish guys and has been on and off of JDate with no success.
I love a challenge so, of course, I asked her what she is looking for as I perused my mental rolodex thinking of tall, Jewish guys. The first – and admittedly most important – trait that she’s looking for is looks. As in really good looking. As in gorgeous Calvin Klein model. As I said, Stella is nice looking, not even near ugly, but she’s no Natalie Portman. And chances are that a Calvin Klein model isn’t Jewish. Is it possible that there’s a Jewish Adonis out there who wants to marry a Jewish princess? Sure. But it’s not realistic for anyone, Stella included. Needless to say, I don’t have any male models in my social rolodex so I guess I won’t be setting up Stella with anyone anytime soon… unless she changes her priorities.
It’s also naïve of Stella to think she can meet a Jewish guy when she’s not currently active on JDate or going to Jewish events. She even said that she’s not attracted to Jewish men… but wants to marry one. Ummm? How is that going to work?
Maybe it’s her age making her think that looks are what’s most important and I should give her a break. I, too, had backwards priorities when I was in my mid-twenties. Once she gets a few years of dating under her belt I bet she’ll shift her thinking naturally, but if I can give her a little nudge now…
The opposite of Halo Effect is “Beauty Bias.” The Beauty Bias is a term created by Stanford Law Professor Deborah Rhode to explain the phenomenon in America of why the less attractive you are, the less likely you are to be married and more likely to be poor, the more likely you are to receive a longer prison sentence, a lower damage award and a lower salary and poorer performance reviews. It’s the first part of the description “less likely you are to be married” that concerns me as the JDate expert.
Just as good looking people are incorrectly judged as automatically being good people, less attractive people are erroneously judged as being less desirable. We’re all guilty of it, regardless of how attractive we deem ourselves. If we believe someone is less attractive than us, we don’t give them a chance because we assume they don’t have any other qualities we would be interested in. It saddens me to see less attractive people getting rejected without a second glance by people who think they look too good. And, conversely, I give a little chuckle when a really good looking person who is lacking in personality is rejected by a less attractive but incredibly great person!
My hope is that a better understanding of the Halo Effect and the Beauty Bias will help people look past looks. I hope singles that are putting forth effort on JDate or at Jewish singles and networking events or on shidduchs will also put forth the effort to get to know someone before passing judgment based on their attractiveness quotient. Of course, attraction is important, but attraction comes from many places, not just from outward appearances.
I challenge all singles to stop judging people based on their looks and to give people a chance whom you wouldn’t necessarily have previously considered.
The “Halo Effect” is a term coined by scientists to explain that when something looks good on the surface we tend to broaden the scope of that positive judgment to include other characteristics. The Halo Effect is incredibly prevalent in dating. It works like this: We see someone we’re attracted to and therefore believe them to be just as great on the inside as they are on the outside. Oftentimes, we subconsciously convince ourselves the other person must be an all-around great guy or gal simply because they have thick hair, shining eyes and a bright smile. Con-artists also tend to have those physical characteristics which is why they are successful at getting people to trust them. In the dating world, we call con-artists “players,” or people who know others are falling hard for them and don’t feel the same way yet still choose to play with their hearts and minds until they’re tired of the game and move on to the next victim. They know they can reel someone in and do so just for the fun of it. The Halo Effect in dating doesn’t always mean the guy or gal is a player; iit could be you’re then blindsided by their good looks and aren’t willing to admit to their faults.
Time and time again we pass judgment on people before getting to know them – whether good, bad or indifferent – and sometimes we get hurt in the time it takes to correct our initial opinion. Not all good looking people are jerks and not all average (or less than average) people are perfect citizens, we simply have to take the time to get to know someone and stop making snap judgments.
Look good, feel good or feel good, look good? For some people looking good does make them feel good about themselves, for others they need to feel good in order to look good.
We all hear about beauty coming from the inside, and that’s all fine and dandy, but let’s be honest: When you’re single and dating you need to look good on the outside because sometimes your first impression is the only one you’re going to get. So yes, feeling good on the inside is going to emanate through and make you more attractive but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put forth some effort into looking good on the outside as well. Be the full package.
That means you need to take care of yourself. If you’re past the age of 40 and still single, or are single again after a divorce, then think about going to a spa to get some treatments. Dye your hair, get a facial, manicure and pedicure, try a facial injectible, have an aesthetician do your makeup, get a personal shopper to dress you and so on. By looking good on the outside, you’ll feel good on the inside and that will have a direct effect on your dating life. Many of these techniques will work no matter your age; just because you’re in your 20’s doesn’t mean you look as good as you could or should.
It’s not about being judgmental or superficial, it’s about being realistic. Think about that feeling you get when you walk out of a salon with a fresh haircut… now do what it takes to have that feeling all the time!
I am a relatively new member of JDate, the only online dating site I have ever used. I joined about a month ago, and of course was completely bombarded by emails, flirts, and IMs from the men on the site. I have been told by many that I wrote an excellent essay on both myself and what I’m looking for and my pictures are very popular as well. (I work in publication design, so I guess I knew what I was doing!) I was flattered by this unexpected explosion of attention, but frankly, expected it to die down after the first few weeks. It hasn’t. I am completely swamped by the amount of men communicating with me, and frankly, being a single mother who has custody of her child most of the time, I really don’t have enough time to date around. So my question is, “What’s a girl to do?” How do I filter through so many without spending all of my time online or inadvertently blowing off someone who may actually be perfect for me? Help!
Dear What’s a Girl To Do?
I wouldn’t go around bragging about all the attention you’re getting because most people are in the opposite situation. LOL. That said, you definitely need a technique to weed out the JDaters®. Instant messaging can take up a lot of time so if you have your kid that night then concentrate on your emails and save the IMing for the other nights. Next, have a standard rejection letter that you can copy and paste. In it, thank the suitor for his interest and then gently let him down. But let’s get back to how you eliminate suitors. You can quickly scan the photos and see if there’s attraction. Then read the emails and see if they are well written and include something about you to let you know the guy actually looked at your profile. From there, check out the profiles of whomever is left and see if your preferences match up and if you have commonalities. If you have attraction, are impressed by the email and share interests, then respond to the email and, in it, include your phone number. The guys that call within 2 days are the ones you want to concentrate on, the others are maybes. Finally, you can always write in your profile that you’re looking for only serious suitors. Hopefully that helps!
Welcome back the attraction building portion of this blog.
For those of you who are not familiar with my attraction building blogs, I have previously discussed in great detail that there are 10 different ways that all of us could attract women no matter what we look like.
Why? To put it simply, the female mind is evolutionarily wired in a completely different way than the male mind and females respond to completely different things than we do.
Today I will be discussing one of the best ways to build attraction, and possibly one of the most important: Showing high value.
Showing high value simply means having the ability to appear as if you are someone that society holds in high regard.
Not only do women respond to men who appear to be in high value, but you are simeltanously showing a number of things about yourself:
- Other people want and enjoy being around you.
- Society has a high respect for you so there must be something special about you.
- And simply, you are a valuable person.
All women want to be with someone that others will be impressed with, that they can show off, and that they can stand tall with, proud to call their significant other.
If you are someone that is of high value to society then you fit into these desires and consequently become a man worth chasing.
So how do we do we show this through online dating? In the next blog I will teach you a trick or two on how to establish this value.
I am wondering if there is something wrong with my profile or if I need to do something to it to get a little more attention here on JDate. I consider myself to be an attractive woman, I’m a grad student, I have a lot to offer, but I do not get a lot of quality guys contacting me on JDate. Any advice on updating/changing my profile to attract the right type of guy (more serious minded) would be greatly appreciated!
Dear Change It Up,
Anytime you’re looking for men who are more serious-minded to give you attention you need to reassess the vibe you’re putting across via your profile. If your photos are sexy and provocative then men will not take you seriously. You don’t want to look like a nun but you don’t want the photo to be all cleavage and skin either. What attracts men most is a great smile and eyes with some depth. Your About Me and other paragraphs shouldn’t be too flirty either. But, at the same time, you don’t want to come across as either desperate or boring, so you need to find the middle ground. Once you’re on a date you can crank up the flirt factor somewhat but waiting until the guy gets to know you before really turning it on would be most beneficial to you finding a guy who takes you — and a relationship — seriously.
While you’re out there searching for your special someone, remind yourself why you want to be one half of a couple and make sure your way of thinking is pure and real. Your reasoning for dating is written across your forehead in plain English whether you like it or not (and can be read between the lines of your profile). If you’re constantly wondering why perfectly eligible singles aren’t jiving with you, then maybe your purpose in dating isn’t genuine and you’re putting off the wrong vibe. Do you want to share your life with someone, grow old with the same someone and start a family with the same someone? Or are you just sick of being the fifth wheel, sick of sitting at the single’s tables and sick of going home to an empty house? Figure it out because you’re going to get whatever it is you put out there.
When you’re not sure about the kind of person you’re looking for and you’re not sure why you’re even out there looking, the doubt and cynicism will be apparent. Women can usually tell when a guy is not done playing the field, when he is still looking to have fun and is not yet ready to look for a wife and settle down. On the flip side, men can also tell when a woman is overly desperate and needy. How men and women react in these situations is something else altogether: some women may want to try and tame a player and some men go for a desperate woman because he may think she’s easy prey. Don’t fall into these categories if you don’t want to attract these types of people. Make sure you know what your target is – a fun time, a serious relationship or whatever it may be – and emote that on your face and in your body language.
under Online Dating
Can you please help me find someone beautiful that wants a serious relationship? Thank you……..!!!!!!!!
Dear Help Please!,
Looks like you’re helping yourself pretty well by #1 being on JDate and #2 writing me! If you’re really serious about finding your Beshert, follow my previous tips regarding creating your profile and setting your preferences. Remember, set flexible standards and don’t limit yourself in area, age range, education, etc. It will help if you make your own Top 10 list and spend some quality time ranking the characteristics that are most important to you. The top 3-5 should be items that you’re not willing to negotiate about. Although attraction is important, it can be based on many things so make sure “looks” are not on that list! Only eliminate prospects based on those traits because chances are you will find yourself attracted to people who have your desired features. The next thing to make sure you have in your favor when trying to find your Beshert is your attitude. Be upbeat, positive, interesting and conversational. Ask questions and listen to the answers, let your date get to know you as well and don’t forget to smile! Finally, if you’re interested in meeting a JDate or seeing a date again, don’t hesitate to make it obvious or to make the plans yourself! Good luck!
under Date Night
Month after month, the same faces seem to gaze upon you from the computer screen as you peruse JDate, searching, hoping that the discovery of a new face will appear. And you hope and wait and pray that this find will be a perfect match, both of you Hot-Listing each other, sending Flirts, messages and finally exchanging phone numbers only to meet up and unearth your beshert. But month after month this is not to be and your JDate prospects seem to be thinning as quickly as your boss’s hairline. Frustration sets in.
Date after date, the faces sitting across from you begin to all look alike, memories of those dates turn into a redundant void, lacking chemistry and stimulating conversation. Even still, you hope, wait and pray before each date that this time will be different; this time your interest will be piqued, and there will be instant attraction, and you won’t want the night to end. But date after date this is not to be and the possibility of finding your beshert seems to be disappearing faster than the alcohol at an open bar wedding reception. Frustration turns to indignation.
So what’s a single Jew to do? Before you become so cynical you can’t see straight, I suggest reevaluating what YOU want out of life, out of a mate. Talk to any of your single friends, of any gender, any age, in any city and you’ll be quickly comforted by the fact that you’re not alone in your misery. Reevaluate your priorities: where do you want to go in your career? Are you spending enough quality time with family and friends? Are you eating well and exercising? Take a step back and take some “you” time and then give your JDate profile a facelift.
Once you’ve put everything into perspective and finished your profile makeover (new photos, new screen name, new paragraphs and most of all, new attitude) you’ll not only begin attracting potential dates like a moth to a flame, but you’ll be the *NEW* face on the screen and faces that once blended into the background will now stand out. Try it and good luck!