My Only Jewish Girlfriend

by JeremySpoke under JDate,JFacts,Relationships

I have never really had a Jewish girlfriend.  Sure, I have gone on JDates, and my first girlfriend was, and still is, Jewish.  We consecrated our love in a phone booth of a fancy hotel during a mutual friend’s Bat Mitzvah.  Actually, the consecration started in a janitorial closet.  It was my first kiss, and her fiftieth…or fifty-first.  I don’t know how promiscuous a young girl can be but, at thirteen, she was pushing the boundaries of what was acceptable for a pre-teen, young adult, or middle-aged woman.  At that time, I had been inundated with so many warnings from sexual education classes in school that as soon as we kissed, I was sure that I had contracted something other than cooties.

After I tested negative for at the age of 13, I was reborn.  My second girlfriend was half-Jewish and is now full-lesbian.  I try to suppress the notion that I was the catalyst for her never wanting to be physical with a man for the rest of her life, but it’s difficult.  It is especially hard when all evidence points to me as her last boyfriend ever.  Theoretically, she was with me, and immediately thereafter decided to never be with anybody that resembles me in any way.  Her whole existence and beliefs in love, intimacy, and philosophy on what a relationship is and can be was completely based on my physical and emotional failures as a man.  I still cringe when I think about her breakup phone call to me.  Though, she probably simply said something like, “I think we’re in different places right now.  We are growing apart,” I should have read it as her saying, “I henceforth give up on the male sex.  You have not only failed me, but you have failed the essence of femininity.  Because of you, I never want to look at a male ever again.  I have now given up on fifty percent of humanity.”

As soon as I finished that last paragraph, the song, She Has a Girlfriend Now, by Reel Big Fish, came on through my headphones.  If that’s not a sign that G-d is screaming at me that her lesbian-tendency was a direct result of my inability to fulfill the minimum that is required to be a man, then I don’t know what is.  I hope you find someone that has everything you need.


by JeremySpoke under Relationships

We met at a Bar/Bat Mitzvah party.  We played this game where we held hands, and then spun each other around in circles until one of us let go, throwing both of us painfully backwards into the metal benches that were behind us.  Once recovered, she asked me to slow dance.  It wasn’t my first slow dance with a girl, but it was the most awesome.  She held me really close and we danced cheek to cheek.  It made me feel things in places that I had never felt before, and I absolutely wanted more of it.  She gave me her phone number, assuming that I had talked to a girl on a phone before.  Well, I hadn’t.

I wrote a script for myself before calling.  I needed to write down potential conversation topics because I could literally feel the awkward silence even before I picked up the phone.  This was before we had to type in the area code first when making local calls, I think.  I nervously picked up the phone and punched in the phone number slowly.  7..7..1 ..7..4..8..8.  (That’s not her number anymore.)  She picked up and said, “hi.”  “Hi!” I said.  I looked down at my notes.  “So Clinton sure likes to have sex, huh?” I said.  I didn’t even have anything about Bill Clinton anywhere in my notes.  What?  Why would that be the first thing that I would say…to anybody?  “You’ve never talked to a girl on the phone before, have you?”  she said.  I answered with the same answer I gave her after she would later ask me if she was the first girl I ever kissed.  “No way, I’ve done this plenty of times.”  Then, ten minutes of silence followed.  “So Clinton, huh?”

Clinton is long gone from the White House, but I am still petrified of phones; even when talking to friends or family members.  Phone conversations make me very uncomfortable, and I don’t think I will ever outgrow that.  The only thing that makes me more uncomfortable is talking to my parents on Facebook® (previously AOL Instant Messenger®).  Whoever you are, I would much rather text you or just talk to you in person.  I’m not anti-social; I’m just anti-phone call.