You’re single… you hate being single, you hate feeling desperate, you hate putting yourself out there, you hate being rejected, you hate having to sell yourself, you hate being single. But if you’re not putting yourself out there then how are you going to meet anyone? And if you don’t risk being rejected then how are you going to meet anyone? If you hate having to sell yourself then how are you going to meet anyone? If you hate being single then do something about it! You really can’t complain about being single if you aren’t on JDate and aren’t going to Jewish single shmoozers and aren’t asking to be set-up.
My friend Beth was just lamenting to me about how much it sucks being single. I asked her if she was on JDate and she said “not right now” and kvetched about the cost. I told her that she shouldn’t put a price on finding her Beshert especially when she pays that much to go out just one night. And even if you don’t meet your Beshert on JDate, the experience and mindset will help you on your other dates. She relented and went back to reactivate her membership.
Hopefully I’ll be able to put her money where my mouth is!
2013 is knocking down the door. This year flew by quickly, but now it’s time to forget how we didn’t uphold last year’s resolutions and try to think of new ones. Everyone has “make more money” and “lose weight” on their list, but what about something more personal. What about adding something about your dating life? Not that you want to meet your Beshert, of course you want to find your soulmate everyone does!, but put something about what you want to work on in order to be a better partner. Whether it’s starting therapy or self examination, try to find ways in which to better yourself. By concentrating on “New Year, New You” in an honest way then you will eventually (hopefully in 2013) meet your Beshert.
Dating is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s not about how fast you can find your beshert or how quickly you’ll get married, it’s about finding the right person no matter how long it takes. Some dates will get a gold medal for being the rudest scums of the earth, while others will medal for planning an awesome, unique date. Some dates will earn high scores for keeping the conversation moving and interesting while others will stand on the podium for failing to make an effort or intrigue. The only person you can worry about is yourself, so make sure you leave every date thinking of you as a class act, even if they were a classless schmuck. Keep everything in perspective and make sure that at the end of the day you are happy with your decisions – whether that means accepting a 2nd date or cutting a bad date short – because you have to live with yourself. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to find the right person right away… remember, 26.2 miles not the 100 yard dash.
These past few weeks have been shmorgasboard of Mazal Tov’s and they are simchas that are so inspiring that they are worth sharing with the public (anonymously, of course). I’m sharing these stories to give you hope that you can find love too, no matter what your baggage/background/etc.
One girl I know was engaged 3 years ago when her fiance walked out. It was shocking and devastating. But since then, she changed her life and found her new happy and her new body. She lost weight and found a new man – she just got married and wore so many gorgeous dresses throughout the many festivities showing off her new waistline, she was beaming with happiness. This is the guy she was meant to be with and she would never had found him had that jerk not left her.
Another girl has been dating and dating and dating. She is a spitfire! An awesome gal who is active and fun and sweet and smart. A few years ago she moved and started a new life in a new city where she could meet new people. It was the best thing she could have done for herself. She wasn’t running away from life, but running towards something. She is approaching 40 and I just didn’t know if she was ever going to settle down, if anyone was ever going to be good enough for her and meet her expectations. Over the weekend, her boyfriend took her away to a tropical destination and proposed!
Another friend, in her early 40s, decided to stop waiting to meet the right guy and to have a baby on her own. At this point, she hasn’t become Jennifer Lopez in The Back-Up Plan – meeting her love just after being inseminated – but she is perfectly content and satisfied in her life, right now, with her baby. She wanted to get married and have kids and she could only have control over one part of that equation so she became a Mommy. I have no doubt she will meet someone in the next few years and add wife to her timeline.
These are just a few examples… with the point being that you can find love. It WILL happen.
Being on JDate is great. Being active on JDate is better. But you can increase your chances of meeting your Beshert by getting out there. Sitting behind a screen is not enough — you have to get out there. Just as only going out isn’t enough — you need to be on JDate too. It’s easy and comfortable to be able to sit home in your jammies browsing JDate, but it’s much more difficult to get it together and put yourself out there. I know way too many people who are only on JDate, but think they’re too good for the Jewish events. That makes no sense to me!
Think about it like a job interview — if you had an opportunity to land your dream job, you would do absolutely everything you could to get it, right? You would apply, secure awesome letters of reference and write a stunning resume, you would appear sharp at the interview, write a thank you letter, network, make contacts, follow-up, and so on. Why wouldn’t you do that to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
I am Israeli, recently divorced (from an Israeli) and very interested in meeting another Israeli woman. What’s the best way you know for achieving that?
Dear Eager for an Israeli,
I would start with using the keyword search feature on JDate. Type in “Israeli” and see who appears. Make sure you Flirt, Hot List and Message the women who fit your preferences (aside from being Israeli). Since you are looking for something so specific then I would recommend expanding your location boundaries and age range as well. I would also highly recommend getting involved in your local Israeli community as well as the Jewish community at large because you never know where you may find your Beshert.
How does your story end after your trip to Israel where you met your Beshert?
I Want to Know
Luckily, the story has a happy ending. We decided I would extend my trip by one week, and we spent that time together getting to know each other and having fun. On my last night he asked if I would move to Israel to be with him, and I did just that! I quit my job, put my stuff in storage and moved to Israel so we could see if this was the “real deal.” Ten months later he proposed, and we eventually moved back to the States where we settled down, got married and started a family.
I truly believe that I had to kiss my fair share of frogs until I found my Prince. Although I didn’t learn something from each date or each relationship, I learned from enough of them that I was able to recognize both who he was and who I am when I’m with him. It was tough going at the time, but in hindsight it was all worth it.
I will never understand what it’s like to be a single 40-year-old woman (because even if G-D forbid I am single, I would be a divorced 40-year-old single mother, and that’s not the same). I can try to sympathize, but when I’m talking to acquaintances who are in that position there never seems to be the right thing to say.
I recently ran into an old family friend named Beth and I asked her if she was available for being set-up. Her reply? “Don’t bother, I’m going to be alone forever.” She wasn’t looking for pity, that was simply how she felt and she was speaking her mind. I was sad for Beth and I told her I would still keep her in mind, but the conversation stayed with me. She seemed so resigned to being single and had no faith left in love. Because I am 10 years her senior and married with a child I would never get it.
The problem is, that attitude is going to get Beth no where and in fact will turn away friends too. I know it’s tough to be single. If it was tough to be single at 27, I can only try to imagine how tough it is at 40. But never give up hope that you will find your Beshert.
You meet a great guy or gal except he or she is not for you, but you do know someone perfect to pass it forward to. Even if that person happens to your sibling. My girlfriends Sara and Rachel are sisters and they’re both single. Sara meets guys left and right, and sometimes she wishes she could introduce them to her sister, but it’s kind of awkward. She’s rejecting a guy while at the same time offering to help them find love. And if the shidduch works, she would end up related to the guy! But the awkwardness shouldn’t stop you from introducing someone you dated to someone you’re friends with. What goes around comes around. Create love, and love will find you. Another girlfriend of mine works for the Jewish community and has access to each and every single guy in the city. But she keeps them all to herself even though she knows other women that would make better matches. She’s being selfish and meanwhile, she’s still single because she’s not right for these guys! She needs to put into the world what she wants from it and that means using her database to set up some friends, and maybe she’ll come across a guy who’s right for her.
In dating, you have to have a short-term memory in order to forget about the disappointments. A long-term memory will only hinder you from taking chances. You can’t remember the hurt. Get over it and proceed full steam ahead. You can’t believe rumors, care about past relationships, or harbor ill will towards people who didn’t do anything directly to you. All’s fair in love and war. I was reminded of that line when I ran into an acquaintance who used to date one of my girlfriends. A year and a half later, and I believe that they’re both fair game for any mutual friends. Another friend was going to be set-up on a blind date but heard something vaguely negative about the guy through a friend, so ixnayed him before even meeting him. We need to all cut each other some slack and stop sweating the small stuff. You never know who your Beshert is going to be, so don’t judge until you’ve actually given him or her a chance.