Hi Tamar,

I will never understand what it’s like to be a single 40-year-old woman (because even if G-D forbid I am single, I would be a divorced 40-year-old single mother, and that’s not the same). I can try to sympathize, but when I’m talking to acquaintances who are in that position there never seems to be the right thing to say.

I recently ran into an old family friend named Beth and I asked her if she was available for being set-up. Her reply? “Don’t bother, I’m going to be alone forever.” She wasn’t looking for pity, that was simply how she felt and she was speaking her mind. I was sad for Beth and I told her I would still keep her in mind, but the conversation stayed with me. She seemed so resigned to being single and had no faith left in love. Because I am 10 years her senior and married with a child I would never get it.

The problem is, that attitude is going to get Beth no where and in fact will turn away friends too. I know it’s tough to be single. If it was tough to be single at 27, I can only try to imagine how tough it is at 40. But never give up hope that you will find your Beshert.

You meet a great guy or gal except he or she is not for you, but you do know someone perfect to pass it forward to. Even if that person happens to your sibling. My girlfriends Sara and Rachel are sisters and they’re both single. Sara meets guys left and right, and sometimes she wishes she could introduce them to her sister, but it’s kind of awkward. She’s rejecting a guy while at the same time offering to help them find love. And if the shidduch works, she would end up related to the guy! But the awkwardness shouldn’t stop you from introducing someone you dated to someone you’re friends with. What goes around comes around. Create love, and love will find you. Another girlfriend of mine works for the Jewish community and has access to each and every single guy in the city. But she keeps them all to herself even though she knows other women that would make better matches. She’s being selfish and meanwhile, she’s still single because she’s not right for these guys! She needs to put into the world what she wants from it and that means using her database to set up some friends, and maybe she’ll come across a guy who’s right for her.

In dating, you have to have a short-term memory in order to forget about the disappointments. A long-term memory will only hinder you from taking chances. You can’t remember the hurt. Get over it and proceed full steam ahead. You can’t believe rumors, care about past relationships, or harbor ill will towards people who didn’t do anything directly to you. All’s fair in love and war. I was reminded of that line when I ran into an acquaintance who used to date one of my girlfriends. A year and a half later, and I believe that they’re both fair game for any mutual friends. Another friend was going to be set-up on a blind date but heard something vaguely negative about the guy through a friend, so ixnayed him before even meeting him. We need to all cut each other some slack and stop sweating the small stuff. You never know who your Beshert is going to be, so don’t judge until you’ve actually given him or her a chance.

You view a friend’s JDate profile, and it’s a train wreck, yet they don’t want to accept a word of your advice. You see a friend falling for a scumbag, but they don’t care about your opinion. You watch a friend walk to the chuppah to meet Mr. (or Mrs.) Wrong, but they don’t want to hear one word of caution from you. Should they? Some people have to make mistakes on their own to learn life lessons. It doesn’t matter if you went through THE EXACT SAME THING, they need to figure it out for themselves. And don’t you dare say “I told you so” afterwards. Would you have listened? Probably not.

I had a serious boyfriend when I was 20, and he wasn’t Jewish. My parents didn’t guilt me or pressure me; they just let it play out. I got seriously heartbroken… and I kept dating goys. My parents made jokes here and there, but they let me go on my journey. Were they surprised I didn’t find my Beshert until I started dating Jews? Probably not. But they kept it to themselves. They knew their opinions would do nothing but alienate me. So when my younger friend Jessica was following in my footsteps, I shared my story with her as a subtle way to show her what I thought I was the right path. Ultimately Jessica chose her own path and is happily married to her non-Jewish Beshert.

People have to do what feels right for them, even if you can foresee trouble ahead, you need to let them do their thing.

I’m anti-coffee dates for first dates. A coffee date sends the message that you don’t have faith the date will succeed and therefore don’t want to waste your time, money or effort. You’re not willing to risk your Friday or Saturday night, you’re not willing to take the time to get dressed up and you’re not willing to shell out the cash for a nice dinner. A coffee date only has to last as long as your Tall Mocha Latte, and if you arrive first you can go ahead and order for yourself eliminating the awkwardness of dealing with the bill. There’s less pressure, but it affects your mindset of the date, and that’s more important. I know you’re probably burnt out and have limited time available, but this is your Beshert we’re talking about — if he or she isn’t worth more than coffee, then (s)he is probably not your Beshert.

Dear Tamar,

My boyfriend of three years passed away ten months ago and I’ve just now gotten back into dating. I already met a great guy. We were smitten, he was very into me, loving and affectionate, but after eight weeks I felt a disconnect.  He told me in a text that it wasn’t me, but wanted to get out of our relationship before he felt trapped and it would be best not to see each other at least for awhile. It wasn’t me, he said, but after awhile he feels that dating is more work than enjoyment. HUH?? I took his lead with our relationship so what is that all about?

Dear Disconnected,

I’ll be blunt — it sounds like he’s not interested in you anymore but is trying to let you down easy. You didn’t do anything wrong; from what you’ve told me, he simply discovered after 8 weeks you’re not his Beshert. At least he figured it out after 2 months and not 2 years. It sucks that this is your first experience after your loss and returning to the dating game but, unfortunately, it sounds like you’ve been initiated back into the club. As a side note: This guy doesn’t sound like he’s going to be getting married anytime soon!

I want to share my friend’s story to give hope to those who are feeling hopeless.

Lila was 36 when her long-term boyfriend (who was divorced with two children) decided he didn’t want to have anymore kids. Since she knew she wanted to be a mother, she broke up with him and decided to go ahead and freeze her eggs. It may seem extreme, but she was, after all, nearing her late thirties and didn’t want to take any chances. After Lila turned 38 and still wasn’t in a relationship she decided to start saving money and researching “donors” – both from friends and those from a bank. Lila could accept being single but she was going to do anything in her power to have a child.

At 39 Lila had selected a donor from a bank but hadn’t yet started the process. And that’s when she met someone. Saul was the same age and also wanted children. The two became serious quickly and their engagement was announced soon after. Lila and Saul knew they wanted to be parents and since her biological clock was ticking and Lila already had frozen eggs they decided to move forward with in-vitro fertilization. A few unsuccessful IVF attempts later and Lila was losing hope. Now she had her Beshert but couldn’t seem to get pregnant. Could she have it all?

Lila and Saul decided to immerse themselves in planning their wedding and buying a home together when much to their surprise they found out they were expecting! After all the medical interventions, it happened the “old-fashioned” way for them, only confirming that they were indeed Beshert. The wedding was supposed to be six months from then but Lila didn’t want to be a pregnant bride. Instead they went to the Justice of the Peace and got married on paper. The baby is due any day now (Lila just turned 42, by the way) and the big wedding is being held in six weeks, with baby in tow.

Lila’s story is so inspirational. All of her dreams did come true but she wasn’t going to wait around for them to happen, she went after them with a vengeance. As soon as she decided she was going to have a family – with or without a man – her entire demeanor changed and then the right man entered her life. True, she didn’t do things the traditional way and some may think her efforts to have a baby on her own bordered on desperation (or even undermined the concept of family values), but for Lila she was being proactive to ensure she had a family… albeit a non-traditional one.

Now she does have it all and she’s an example for others nearing or in their 40s that it can eventually happen for you too. You may not necessarily feel the need to follow her exact path, but there are other things you can do to “complete” yourself which in the meantime will distract you and better you until your Beshert comes along… which in turn will seem to happen much faster because you’re too busy being distracted with bettering yourself. The point is not to let life go on around you while you wait for something to happen, but to actually make it happen yourself. Lila didn’t think she would be a 42-year-old pregnant bride, but then she wouldn’t have this particular husband or be having this particular baby.

My friend Lauren told me she recently froze her JDate account. She said she could be going on a date every night of the week with a different guy but none of them ever pan out and she’s exhausted from having the same first date conversation over and over and over again. She’s sick of giving opportunities to guys she knows aren’t right for her and never hearing from guys she thinks she hit it off with. Why is she having such a tough time getting closer to meeting her Beshert?

Lauren is active in the Jewish community – in fact she works for a Jewish organization so she has the scoop on every guy available – and she attends single events regularly. She’s doing everything right. I checked her JDate profile and her pictures are great, her descriptions are witty and her expectations are reasonable. She is always dressed well, make-up and hair done, smile on her face. She’s got a great personality: incredibly smart and funny, with the right amount of self-deprecation and sarcasm. She has a lot of great hobbies, is well-read and is able to speak on a number of topics to make for an interesting conversation partner. So why is she having such a tough time getting closer to meeting her Beshert?

Lauren doesn’t have any unsightly physical imperfections, she doesn’t have an ungainly demeanor, and she doesn’t have a hidden temper. Lauren comes from a wonderful, cohesive family and she has plenty of friends who adore her.  She volunteers and raises money for great causes. She’s an all-around great girl and I’m proud to call her one of my friends. So again, why is she having such a tough time getting closer to meeting her Beshert?

Lauren is far from alone, many single guys and gals also wonder why they’re still single when they have so much to offer. Sometimes they’re just blind to how they’re truly coming across on dates, but for the most part it’s simply timing. I told Lauren to take her break and then to jump right back into the dating world because her chances of meeting her Beshert are even slimmer by not being on JDate. I told her to keep going on JDates no matter how redundant they seem. Eventually it will happen for her. One date, one night, will seal her fate. It only takes one time for a date with seemingly repetitive questions and textbook answers to turn into your conversation partner for the rest of your life.

I know it’s easy for me to say this since I’m married now and not single anymore, but I tried to reassure Lauren by telling her that each day that goes by is one day closer to the day she meets her Beshert. It’s so cliché, but in dating patience and persistence are the keys to success. Blah, blah, blah, right? But what is Lauren going to do, give up and stay single the rest of her life when all she really wants to do is get married to her Beshert and start a family? No, she’s not. Some women are confident with being alone and independent for the rest of their lives, but Lauren doesn’t want to be one of those women.

For now, Lauren is dating in a healthy way by taking a break and keeping her sanity. I know she isn’t going to give up on love and I think she’ll be back online before she knows it. And soon enough I’ll be dancing the Hora at her wedding because I have a feeling she’s going to meet her Beshert in the near future.

I admit it, I watch “The Bachelor.” It’s my guilty pleasure and I love it! I find it interesting to see woman after woman putting it all on the line right away when there are two dozen other women vying for this one man’s attention whom they know nothing about and have spent little to no time with. On the other hand, it’s baffling when women have walls up and then wonder why they’re sent home. If you’re going on a show looking for love then why even bother pretending to have any pride left? Maybe that’s harsh of me, but it just seems like a waste of time. These women have so little time to get to know the Bachelor and yet some of them are not willing to open up at all.

JDate is the same. The numbers mean you are going to meet a lot of people and start many conversations and tell and retell your life story a million times until you meet your Beshert. Your chances of meeting your Beshert sooner have everything to do with how open you are and willing to share.

Many of us keep to the same script on first dates. We only want to let the person get to know us a certain amount and we want to control that amount because we’ve all been on one of those first dates where we talked for hours and hours only to never see the other person again. Why bother exchanging more than pleasantries until you know if there could be another date? This is the normal, human type of wall that most people, not just singles, seem to have naturally up to protect themselves.