You’ve seen the perfect match on JDate. Talk about it all you want. You’ve started talking to that match. Slowly stop talking about it to your friends. You went on one awesome date with a new prospect. Talk about it a little. You started a new relationship. Don’t talk about it. You’re officially in a new relationship. Start talking all you want. You are single again and looking. Talk about it, go it out of your system and then get back on the market. Don’t dwell on your singleness or why you’re single and don’t start talking about a relationship before it happens. It’s hard to not want to brag about a new prospect but sometimes it’s better to keep it to yourself until there’s actually something to report (or find one good friend to confide in). Enjoy that feeling of being at the beginning of something new and revel in it. And if it doesn’t work out, you’ll have less people to have to recount the break-up to.
Whenever you dump somebody, there is always somebody out there who you would equally reject in exactly the same way.
Remember this the next time you decide to break-up with somebody. Don’t take anybody for granted. It doesn’t matter how long the relationship, or how intense it was. Wow, after reading this it might seem like I just got dumped. Well, I kind of did recently, but I am actually content with life while writing this. Anyway, remember that you are not above anybody. If you ever want to break-up with someone just because you think you’re superior, you should be forced to be with that person for life.
Now, this girl you just dumped. Remember her? Well, there is also another person out there who she will soon dump. She will act as superior to him as you did her. The cycle will continue downward, and also upward.
In this way, after dumping this girl, there is also someone out there who is about to dump you. In a utopian, equal society, you should feel just as much as remorse as this other guy feels depression. Basically, because joy does not exist enough in our world, pain must be doled out extensively and equally to each person.
You sit indifferently at the restaurant across from a woman you swore you have seen before. Have you been set up on a blind date with someone you actually went on a date with long ago but can hardly remember, or have you been married to the same woman for so long that your brain reorganizes itself every time you look at your spouse to prevent yourself from committing suicide long enough to enjoy this wonderful dinner at Olive Garden?
If you chose option number two, then it is high time to file for a divorce. If, however, you are not married, then the separation should be relatively simpler. However, do not mistake comfort for misery. That is, if you’ve been in a relationship for years, and are only in it because you work a minimum wage job and your significant other is a lottery winner, it’s time to cut them loose. In an anecdote that probably resonates with more people, don’t stay with somebody simply for convenience. This is good advice unless, of course, both you and your boy/girlfriend are boring. Then you’re screwed.
What I don’t understand however, is the ongoing relationship between a highly exciting person and someone who is dull. What are you doing? You have a lifetime of adventure that you’re just wasting so that your conservative parents will be happy. Or, is there a deeper dynamic that has already existed between your uptight parents? Maybe one day, long ago, they were exciting too, but gave up their hopes and dreams and international differences in order to appease somebody as well.
Was this originally about when it’s too late to break up? Was I originally supposed to give advice?
Eight-and-a-half years ago tonight (not at all true but it’s somewhere in the vicinity of eight-and-a-half years) I drove home from my ex-girlfriend’s house listening to Jimmy Eat World on full blast and crying moments after she dumped me. There was a lump in my chest that has still yet to be completely relinquished from my incessantly shrinking hairy chest. I would spend the next decade losing faith in humanity, garnering a powerful case of obsessive-compulsive disorder, gaining a whole lot of weight, and almost failing out of college.
After breaking up with a wonderful girl last weekend, I laid in bed with the same feeling in my chest. That sinking feeling that cannot be quenched by simple human desires like food, sleep, or sex. This time, though, I was the one who initiated the end of the relationship. I wanted so badly to tell her things like ‘I still want to be really good friends with you’ but how much of a douche would I have been if I had said that? First, anyone on the receiving end of that sentence practically knows that it’s bull. There’s no second, that was the only thing really. If I had said that, I would have been just another guy who dumped her and then insulted her by saying he wanted to be friends. Today at work, some friends also reminded me that even though I still want to be friends, she may not because I may have just broken her heart. I naively think that everybody in the world would just love to be friends with me no matter what I do or say to them. So yeah, now there are two reasons I shouldn’t, and didn’t, bring up the fact that I still wanted to be friends.
However, I still have that sinking feeling in my chest. I feel so bad for her (of course, this is assuming that she liked me). I want to reach out and tell her that I’m here, but also know that that may give her some sense of false hope. Man, guys are just the worst.
After you’ve finally recovered from the surprise demise of what you thought was a relationship headed in the right direction, how do you trust your instincts again when it comes to dating? It’s hard to get back out there after a broken heart and it’s even more difficult to know if you can not only trust your gut but also take someone at their word. A broken heart will wreak havoc on your self-esteem, your self-confidence and your self-worth, not to mention your sub-conscience.
About five years ago I was blind-sided by a break-up. Not only was it out of left field, but I felt so confident about the relationship I didn’t know how the guy could have felt differently without me knowing. After a few weeks moping, hanging out with my girlfriends and throwing myself into my work, I was ready to start dipping my toe in the dating waters. I wasn’t ready for a new relationship quite yet, but I needed to bring myself back from the brink. Seeing what (or rather, who) was out there would help me finish healing. So I signed back on to JDate and fielded messages and phone calls from some really great guys who had my interest piqued. But my inner alarm kept ringing. How could I know that this guy wouldn’t hurt me also? I didn’t. That we can never know and it’s a risk we take in love and life. But how could I know that this guy was being genuine about how much he liked me? Again, I would just have to take a risk and make sure I kept my eyes open to any warning signs.
It’s definitely hard to trust not only yourself but the person you’re dating after a painful break-up. You become cynical. Every statement, every action, is doubted and dissected. And that skepticism is hard to hide and unfortunately will lead to making your dates fail no matter how great the other person was. Believe that the right person is out there and that putting only your best self forward will help in finding him or her. Eventually I did meet my next boyfriend, but alas that relationship also didn’t pan out, although this time I was the one to bring an end to it. I would go through more than a few of these before meeting my husband but at least I felt good knowing I gave them 100%.
The thing we all have to understand about dating is that no matter how many dates you go on, no matter how many relationships you’ve been in or for how long you were in them, only one is going to be the ultimate success (okay, maybe two, but that’s not the point here). So each date you go on and each relationship you enter deserves to be given your full attention, your entire focus and entered into with an open heart. Until you meet your beshert, dating is cyclical. First date after first date, relationship after relationship, break-up after break-up. It’s easy to get jaded and frustrated, but eventually the cycle will end with the right person at the right time.
So here is my issue: I met this guy on JDate and thought he was “the one”. I have never felt like this about anyone before in my life. We took trips together, spent lots of time with each other’s families, all was going so well for 6 months. Then, one day, I got a message from him and he was questioning our relationship. We sat and talked about it and it almost felt like he just gave up. We tried a little bit longer and then I just couldn’t take it anymore. We broke up and still, for the last few months, have communicated and have seen each other. I am not sure what happened. It doesn’t seem like he wants to totally let go and it doesn’t seem like he wants to be with me anymore. I am still very much in love with this person. We had discussed marriage and children and had both said we saw that together. What should I do? Should I cut all ties or see where it goes?
Dear The One or Done,
You’re in a difficult predicament and I feel for you. If you hang in there and see where it goes then you could end up still getting your heart broken but wasting more time in the meantime. I think your best bet is to tell him you need to cut it off to see how you each feel without the other because this on-again, off-again thing isn’t healthy. I think that once he sees life without you in it, he’ll be able to make up his mind about what he wants and you will too. Of course, don’t let him know this as you don’t want him to know he has all the power in the relationship; if he’s able to pull you back in when he misses you and needs you then what’s going to motivate him to step it up or cut it off? You’re on JDate, so that’s a good thing because it helps that you’re at least trying to move on or see what else is out there. Keep on perusing your other options while letting your ex know that you’re not his doormat.
There’s always been an incredibly fine line between friends and more than just friends with the opposite sex. So what do you in an effort to soothe a friend recovering from a less-than-smooth-sailing voyage into bad break-up territory? When your favorite friend is in danger of retiring from the game too quickly, can you sexercise said sweetheart in an effort to resurrect them from post-traumatic break-up disorder? Everyone always said a little extra love and care goes a long way but when the embrace goes from innocent to intense before you have a chance to draw the line, does that erase the former friendship forever or make the bond with a bff stronger? So far, I’ve heard that sexercising the babe back from the land of the dead is mainly mandatory in terms the hopes of saving his sanity. The party consisting of the fairer sex is the one deserving of a little second thought since she/male relations tend to hold more emotional baggage for a miss rather than a monsieur. My suggestion? Make damn sure he’s worth a little scandal so that when the convo goes from a text to a sextversation, your friendship doesn’t get deleted along with years (and an entire inbox) worth of history.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I just got out of a relationship for no reason. My ex of 2.5 months didn’t even call and tell me why he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Do you know why that would be?
Dear Why Didn’t He Call,
I’m sorry this happened to you. There really is no excuse for this kind of behavior. My guess is you are feeling hurt, confused and left with a sense of unfinished business. I believe that people do this because they are afraid of the reaction they might receive from the person they no longer want to spend time with. It is a cowardly maneuver and based on fear. There are some people who would rather avoid potential hurt feelings, conflict or anger rather than being candid and truthful. The truth is, these people in reality are only looking out for themselves and have little empathy for the people they are no longer communicating with.
Look at it this way; do you want to be with someone who does not know how to state his wants, needs or feelings? This person does not know how to communicate in a mature fashion. Consider yourself lucky and move on to someone who is willing to be honest with you. Not everyone, thankfully, engages in this avoidant behavior. There are some great guys on JDate who would never use this tactic. With that said, take a look at your profile, spruce it up if need be, and get going meeting some of these men!
Gems from Jen