under Online Dating
Things may have gone well at first, they always do. But after going on several dates with a person, you may start to feel as though there’s no future with them and the annoying voice in your gut is telling you that your feelings no longer exist. That’s okay, and normal. It’s important, however, to let them know. Dragging it out only makes the situation worse and it puts them in the unfair position.
- Do: Craft something honest and appropriate to say to the person. Try to muster up the guts to tell them in person that you don’t think this is going to work out. If in person does not work out, a phone is warranted. Avoid texting or just plainly saying nothing at all to them.
- Don’t: Start to ignore them. This person invested their time in you as well. After going on a handful of dates with a person, they’re no longer just a stranger to you. You’ve gotten to know them through their personality traits and intimate personal stories. It’s only appropriate and respectful to break things off with them the right way. Ignoring their texts and acting cold to them is not right and overall just plain immature. Put yourself in their shoes, will you?
My former girlfriend is now on JDate, only three weeks after our breakup. I still have feelings for her. I have not put up my pic yet as I feel insecure about her seeing me on JDate. I would like to contact her, but feel it is not appropriate as she is obviously seeking new men. She will see me when my pic is put up. How do I handle this situation?
Dear Ex or Next?,
I don’t think JDate is the right forum in which to let your very recent ex-girlfriend know you still have feelings for her; that’s something that should be done in person or on the phone, not via a JDate email. If she had been an ex from long ago, I would say go for it as I think that’s romantic. But, since you just broke up, a different medium should be used. If you’re not ready to date then you should refrain from posting your pictures until you are emotionally available, otherwise it will be a waste of your time and the prospective date’s. Obviously, since you saw your ex’s profile is active, you know that she is trying to move on — even if she’s not ready, she’s trying to put herself out there and see what her options are. I recommend that to a lot of people as part of the breaking up and moving on process. On the flip side, you could post your photos, knowing she will see them and hope that any feelings she has for you will surface. But, hey, that’s playing games, both with her and your own heart and mind. Once the sting of knowing that your ex is ready to move on wears off then hopefully you’ll start being ready to, too. Good luck!
I’ve been seeing a man who’s not Jewish that I met on a dating site 7 months ago. We’ve said we love each other, however when we first met, it was Hanukkah and he bought me a huge number of gifts and it felt uncomfortable and overwhelming. He also bought a menorah and a book about Judaism. It felt like too much for me and he felt rejected by the way I felt. Since then, I thought we had moved on and have spent almost every day together. Recently, he was reading my e-mail and saw a letter I had written to my Rabbi back in January where I had doubts about the relationship because of the fact he wasn’t Jewish. He broke my trust and has apologized but feels hurt I felt that way when we had already been dating for a few months and wants to take a break for a month. I want to respect his wishes but I miss him and know he misses me as he did write me yesterday. I’m just trying to understand whether we have broken up or not and if I should move on or if we are truly taking time to figure out what we want with the intention of possibly getting back together. I don’t understand how you can work something out without talking about it. Can you provide some input and help me to understand? Thank you!
Dear Dazed & Confused,
My initial impulse is to ask: why are you on JDate asking for advice about a relationship with a non-Jew? But the answer doesn’t matter, I’m happy to help as long as you answer a question for yourself first: how important is it to you to marry a Jew? This answer does matter. When you first had doubts, you went to your Rabbi. Now you have doubts again and you’re coming to JDate, so my inclination is to believe that religion is important to you and while you’re on this break you should really think deeply about it. It sounds like this guy might be willing to convert, have you discussed it? If you want to be with this guy – Jewish or not – you need to get him on the phone and then in person to talk. A few days apart to think things through is understandable, each of you needs to put things in perspective and decide what you want from each other, if anything. But now it’s time to get talking because you’re right – you can’t work on a relationship without both parties being present. Good luck!
Jerry Seinfeld wisely observed that breaking up with someone was like trying to tip over a soda machine. You can’t do it in one push. You have to get it rocking. Once it is moving and unstable, only then can you push it over. In some occasions the exploding soda pop (i.e. relationship) can be rescued and resuscitated, but that happens only when both partners are committed and have the strong desire to push through the bumps and understand what is causing the hiccups in the first place. We all know fights are never about the “actual” fight. Once you discover the true cause of concern, the reality of the situation is usually unmasked. The majority of the time it is “fear” of something. Fear is one of the strongest motivations causing people to act in one manner or another. No matter how you look at it, whether you are on the initiating or receiving end of pushing over a soda machine, it is never fun. The potential you had romantically hoped for seems no longer viable. If you dated a long time, you are possibly missing your best friend (and that is probably the toughest). Usually, there are two routes: Some folks attempt to fry the same egg twice and start over giving it another shot; while others prefer to hope that a new bus is around the corner with new possibilities. With Spring around the corner, here’s hoping for new beginnings in whichever form they may come.