under Date Night
Here’s the scenario a JDater recently asked my advice about:
“I’ve been poly-dating as you recommend in your book, but I’m afraid I’ve let it get too serious with two guys at the same time! Now I feel like I’m two-timing. Each relationship is just progressing naturally and I haven’t had “The Talk” with either, but I feel like I’m betraying both of them because I like both of them. What do I do?”
In short, keep dating both of them unless you feel stronger about one, or until you have “The Talk” with one. People, particularly women, are not used to poly-dating and feel guilty. “Betrayal” is an accurate word for how people feel, but unless you are in a committed, monogamous relationship, then you are free to date whomever you want and you’re not betraying anyone. Poly-dating is not for everyone. But if you are finding yourself in a pattern where you fall for each new prospect too quickly and then get hurt, poly-dating may be something you ought to start practicing. It will keep you grounded and prevent you from falling too quickly for anyone… and it’s fun (just practice safe poly-dating and no one should get hurt!).
I recently heard from a friend that she saw a guy on JDate who she knows is married. Shocking to hear, but it’s reality. There are married people dating online and there’s no one to stop them. There’s no such thing as the morality police and it’s a shame that singles have to worry about whether someone’s being honest about their status. But singles can do their job to make sure they don’t get caught up in someone else’s drama. I’m not a supporter of internet stalking someone too soon, but if you are for any reason suspicious of their marital status, then Google them. See if you have friends in common. Ask questions about their relationship history and kids, if they have any. Finally, when you meet, look for a tanline on their left ring finger. Anyone who’s been married knows that it only takes a few months to get a tanline under your wedding ring. And if you do catch a cheater, let them know that their shenanigans are not welcome here.
Today I was listening to the radio and an interesting question was proposed. Does the statement, “once a cheater, always a cheater” always hold true, or can someone truly change if they find the right person?
Ask 10,000 people this question and you will probably be able to divide a line right down the middle with some heated fighting in between.
There are many men who claim to have been cheaters in the past, but become reformed once they finally are ready to settle down.
But this begs the question: How does anyone truly know that these “reformed” cheaters stopped cheating?
Many women will say, my boyfriend was a cheater, but he stopped with me. Is a cheater actually going to come out and admit he is cheating? No way!
But then again, perhaps there is a difference between a serial cheater and somebody who has cheated once or twice. This could all depend on the context and given situation for each individual cheater.
Regardless, this leaves the question: Would you want to ask your online date if he or she ever cheated in the past? The answer just mayforever open Pandora’s Box and leave you with a cloud of doubt that you aren’t prepared to handle!