I posted a prompt on Facebook asking friends to suggest ideas for today’s post, and a “who should pay” debate ensued on my page. Apparently this topic is a button pusher…

So I can’t speak for everyone’s thoughts on the matter of who should pay for first dates, but I know what I like — him to pay. But, that’s because I like a guy with the qualities that would mean he tends to want to pay for our dates – chivalry, old-fashioned values, etc.

On the other hand, I will always offer to split the bill. And, after a few dates, I’ll pay for the next date. Or buy drinks or dessert if he buys dinner. Or make him dinner…the possibilities of showing gratitude are endless.

But, for some quick nuts and bolts rules on the matter, here’s what I think:

1. Whoever sets up the date should pay. If he asked her out, he pays. If she asked him out (bold move!) and he agreed, he’s obviously a forward thinking man who will accept a woman paying.
2. Always offer to split the bill. I have a friend who ended things with a girl because she’d never offer to split the bill. He told me that even had she offered, he’d have turned her down and paid the tab himself, but that it’s the gesture and effort there.
3. If you can’t afford (or don’t want to) split the bill for whatever reason — make sure you bring it up ASAP. If a guy takes you to a five-star restaurant and you know that despite your desire to, you can’t afford to split the dinner bill, tell him up front in a cute, gracious way. My favourite is to say, “eek, my grad-student budget won’t allow me to buy dinner here, so either you planned to treat or we should go elsewhere…”

The point is to not let this be an awkward moment at the dinner table or wherever you are when the tab comes.

Men — would love to hear your thoughts on this one.

Ladies — how many times have you paid the bill on a first date?

We all know not to drink and drive and we all know to fasten our seatbelts, but how about driving while your hot date is sitting next to you in the passenger seat? The rules for that may not have legal recourse, but they should be followed just the same. I know its girls who are supposed to be the bad drivers, but you’d be surprised the stunts guys would pull to impress a woman. Just because it’s considered chivalrous for the man to drive, doesn’t give you a free pass to put the pedal to the metal.

Some tips on how not to literally drive your date crazy in the car:

-Have a clean car with a full tank of gas. It’s more important than the type of car you’re driving. Late one night many years ago, my date drove around for half an hour looking for an open gas station. Another date had to clear debris off my seat but there was still tons of clutter under my feet. And if you have the time, go to a carwash or wipe the car down quickly. Seeing a thick coating of dust on the rear windshield with the words “wash me” written into it is not attractive.

-That said, guys who are overly obsessed with their cars are also a turn-off. One guy picked me up in his teeny-tiny luxury convertible freshly waxed with personalized plates. A friend’s ex-boyfriend was a fanatic about his car, but it wasn’t even like it was a 1957 Corvette Stingray, it was a 15-year-old foreign import! And he wasn’t trying to keep it in pristine condition for resale value, he just thought his car was the cat’s meow.

-Driving safely is a major turn-on. Don’t drive like your Grandma, but this isn’t the Indy 500 either. If I end up with whiplash because you slam the brakes at every red light, I’m probably not going to make out with you. Let me know you care about me by making me feel safe in your car. Reclining your seat all the way back and using your knee to guide the steering wheel is not cute. Asking me to be the deejay so you aren’t distracted from watching the road… is. Cursing at the guy who cut you off while you flash your brights and tail him, not so hot. Using your turn signals and waving to the guy who let you in… hot. Slowing down to let an elderly couple or a mom with a stroller safely get on the curb before turning… very hot.

-When it comes to music, program a setting to the Top 40 station and make sure the volume doesn’t impede conversation while at the same time diffusing any awkward silences. I don’t understand when a car full of people pulls up beside me with the base so loud it makes my car vibrate. Who can talk?

-Besides the obvious tips of opening the door for a lady, there are other things you can do to make your date feel comfortable: keep a box of tissues handy; make sure your car’s not making any peculiar noises; and if there’s no parking nearby, don’t be too cheap not to pay for valet sometimes – I wore these sexy stilettos for you, so please don’t make me actually have to walk in them!

I refuse to believe chivalry is dead. It’s not that I can’t open my own door or drive myself to the restaurant or pay for my own meal, but when a man does it for me, I feel special.

I remember a JDate I met whose efforts were too forced and too obvious, and it was silly, really. He would say my name too often, which was probably a sales technique he learned to help remember names and make the person feel special, but instead it had the opposite effect and came off as insincere. When I answered the phone I heard “Hi Tamar!” When he left me a voicemail it was “Hi Tamar!” Each and every text message read “Hi Tamar!” It was just too much, too over the top and simply annoying.

Another JDate I remember lacked simple table manners. He didn’t put his napkin on his lap, chewed with his mouth open, talked with food in his mouth and held his fork like a pendulum over his plate and his elbows on the table. Ick.

One JDate extended the “ladies first” etiquette to me, but apparently the same didn’t extend to my female friends. One night a bunch of us went out and he opened the door for me but let it swing shut on my girlfriend. When we were getting our wristbands for the club, he stuck his hand in front of hers and as we were walking through the club he cut her off to walk behind me. Respect me by respecting my friends.

Another thing that bothers me is the indecisiveness. I was asked out on more dates than I can count where the man would ask me where we should go after I was already in the car. Excuse me? Here’s some advice: make a reservation at a nice restaurant and leave a decent tip. I don’t care how much the bill was, but I do care how you treat the server.

Listen, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be yourself… just be your most polite, well-mannered self on your very best behavior… at least on the first date!

Is chivalry dead? Do independent women like chivalry? I am probably one of the most independent girls one could ever meet.  I go to work every day, pay my own bills, live alone, and rarely ask for help. I think nowadays some men believe independent women like to do everything for themselves.  I actually do enjoy taking care of myself 100%, but does that mean I don’t want to be treated like a girl? No, not really.  I have to admit I do like the car door opened for me. I like a door to a restaurant held open for me. I like to feel protected and cared for.  I like when a guy treats me like I am a girl. Not that I can’t do everything for myself, but chivalry, especially when I’m interested in the other person, makes me feel special.  In my opinion, chivalry is alive and well.