Why do we spend more time and energy finding the perfect house than we do finding the perfect mate? When you’re looking to buy a house you hire a real estate agent to represent you, you provide all your finances to get pre-approved and select a price range you can afford. You research neighborhoods and create a list of your must-haves and your negotiables. You tour, tour, and tour some more. Then you make an offer. And then you wait. And you get countered. So you re-counter. And then compromise somewhere in between. And that’s all before going into escrow.
Real estate is obviously a huge investment as you will be putting the majority of your funds into it in addition to being fully responsible for it’s upkeep, not to mention mortgage. But getting married, although “free” in the literal sense of the word, is even more of a commitment, so why are singles trying to cut corners in love?
You should be paying for a JDate membership the same way you would hire a real estate agent. You should get honest feedback from your family and friends the way you would get pre-approval from a mortgage broker. You should figure out what your type is and then branch out from there and you need to make your list of desirables. And then you need to start going on dates, dates and more dates. And be willing to compromise. And that’s all before even getting engaged.
If you think there is a step to be skipped then you would be very wrong and that would be why you are still single. You have to do the work. You have to put forth the effort. You have to be willing to put your money, err, heart, where your mouth is.
under Date Night
A native Chicago woman I met recently happened to bemoan that in Los Angeles, not the easiest town for meeting people (unless they’re encased in tons of steel), guys rarely utter the “d” word. No, not “divorced.” “Date.”
Wanna meet for coffee? Fine. Catch a movie? Sure. Go out on a date? Let’s think first. Are we really ready for that kind of commitment?
Before we rename JDate JHang, maybe it’s time to reexamine our phobias about dating. For most of us, the date that will live in infamy isn’t just Pearl Harbor Day. Most of them eventually end on a less than mutually blissful note. Otherwise, we wouldn’t still be looking. Maybe we’re reluctant to assign the lost opportunities of past dates to future ones. But, before we neuter the term into oblivion, let’s make a date to start treating “date” with the respect it deserves. Interested in her? Ask her out on a date. Not interested in him? Tell him, “No. But, let’s catch a movie.”
Okay. I’ll hit the theater near me. You hit the one near you.
We all come to online dating for different reasons. Some of us are looking for a mere hookup, others are looking to casually date, while others want relationships and more. Whatever the reasons are, each person is entitled to use online dating for whatever purpose they wish.
However, what do you do when you are meeting lots of people, have never made any intentions to commit yet, and an important day comes up?
For example, let’s say your are dating a couple of women casually, and it’s a big holiday. Even though you may have never made any intentions to fully commit, women you are dating will expect you to be around on this day regardless of whether or not you are exclusive yet. This isn’t exactly fair to those of us who are honestly trying to find the one we are looking for while dating various people. They may say they don’t care, but they will.
The only way to avoid these difficulties is to get out of town! Disappear for a day and avoid the unnecessary drama. This will keep you from avoiding any potential bad situations and is the only solution to this dilemma. And remember, you’re not doing anything wrong unless you made your intent to commit clear!
I just read your post “Never Been Married” from January 19 about your friend who met a 40 year old who has never been married or come close to it.
Characterizing those of us who are in our 40s and haven’t married yet as “over the hill” and “too picky until it was too late” is just so biased. There is no age limit or restriction for when people get married. And just because the majority of people do it in their 20s and 30s, doesn’t make the rest of us wrong or abnormal.
Thank you for your email! I completely agree that there’s no age limit and that not having been married by your 40th birthday doesn’t make you abnormal. My concern is when someone reaches the age of 40 and hasn’t been in a serious, long-term relationship. There is someone (or more than one someone) for everyone and some people just meet them later in life. I believe that every relationship throughout your life helps shape the person you are, so it’s imperative to have both made a commitment and have had your heart broken by the age of 40.
I met someone on JDate in another country and actually met him recently when I was in his country on business. We met twice during that trip and since then we’ve kept up a friendly relationship via e-mail. Recently, I tried to learn whether he plans to visit me when he comes to see his family who lives near me or if he thinks our connection could be developed in the future since I’m already planning to immigrate. Thus far he’s only replied that we are friends and he likes to talk but didn’t refer to the future. I would really like to become more serious with him but I’m afraid to push him to answer me about his future wishes but I really want to know if he could be interested in me romantically? I would appreciate your help very much.
Dear Far-Reaching Fling,
I think your beau is probably a little hesitant to commit to someone who currently lives in another country that he’s only met twice even if you are planning on emigrating. Between now and the time you move to his country, stop putting pressure on him to talk about the future and just get to know each other better. You may find you’re no longer interested in him once you get to know him better or you may find that you’re now the “cool, no-pressure chick” he’s excited to spend more time with once you move. And, of course, make sure you’re moving for the right reasons.
I was dating this guy for the past 3 years in an “open” but committed relationship. He had a lot of issues, but the biggest one is that he all of a sudden wanted more children and I cannot have children. I agreed to “open” dating as long as there’s honesty and that we would tell each other if either of us met someone else. It took some prodding but he finally admitted he was going on a date with another woman. At that point I realized “open” dating wasn’t for me and that I couldn’t continue in this relationship. He is insisting we be friends but I said NO. I am truly having a difficult time getting through this. What do you think?
You said it yourself, this guy has a lot of issues (I deleted the information for privacy’s sake, but you and I both know what they are and you should receive an award for making it 3 years!) and I think you are waaaay better off without him. I don’t see the need to be friends with exes, especially one that disrespected you. I think a clean cut-off would be best, both for you to get over him and for him to realize that he can’t treat people the way he treated you.
I also don’t believe that agreeing to “open” dating ever works out. Someone always, always, gets their feelings hurt. It’s one thing to be dating other people before you have “The Talk” but it’s quite another thing to see other people and not think you’re going to get jealous. Next time, either make the commitment to a guy or don’t, but this messy middle area should be avoided. Good Luck!
under Date Night
It is very common for women to dismiss all men as being afraid of commitment. It seems they use this reasoning whenever they want to diagnose any problem they see in men. If a guy doesn’t want to take a morning jog at seven a.m., he’s afraid of commitment. If a guy doesn’t want to go department store shopping for the better part of a weekend, he’s afraid of commitment. If a guy has been dating a women for ten years, and still won’t propose, he’s afraid of commitment. Okay, I concede on that one.
I may not speak for all men. I may not be speaking for many men. I may be speaking only for myself. I don’t see anything wrong or scary with spending the rest of your life with the woman that you love. I don’t even see anything wrong with spending the rest of your life with the woman that you tolerate. Seriously, dating is hard. The constant fear of rejection and the relentless pursuit of self-perfection gets tiring. They can wear on you until you become irrationally afraid of weekends and of any restaurants that have valet parking. Sometimes, we just want it to be over. I am very much looking forward to becoming fat and apathetic about life. Complacency is my ultimate life goal.
Though I don’t think I am afraid of commitment, I know for sure that I am scared of crazy women. I think that if a woman becomes so sure that any man she dates is scared of settling down, she may work herself up so much that she can come off as insane. If I’m on a date, for example, and the woman starts asking me how many kids I want before our bread arrives, I get scared. This is not because I don’t eventually want kids. This is because we have literally known each other for five minutes and I spent all week obsessively getting ready for this dinner. Right now, I am completely committed to making this dinner as pleasurable as possible for the both of us. You can’t just skip to us having kids. Right now, I’m too focused on trying to figure out how to fill the next two hours with inane small talk to produce another life with you.