When Do You Reveal Something Major?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Entertainment,Relationships,Single Life

Another episode of The Bachelor, and another post about dating. This time, a “final-three” contestant, Becca, waited until overnight dates to reveal that she’s a virgin. The Bachelor reacted in a respectful and classy way, and even kept her for the final two, but you could almost tell he did so because he didn’t want people to think he was a jerk for eliminating someone for their sexual experience (or lack thereof). Yet, the week before he eliminated the fourth-to-last contestant after she waited until he met her family to reveal that she had posed nude for Playboy.

The Bachelor

Chris and Becca on ABC’s The Bachelor

So, when is the right time to reveal something major? Is it anyone’s business if you’re a virgin, or posed nude, before you’re in a committed relationship? Yes.

You should give your prospect MAJOR information BEFORE you have “The Talk.” Would it suck if they used that information against you to decide not to want to be with you? Yes, but at least you know that now rather than later. You know what this major info is because you know there’s a chance you’ll get judged for it.

This is not the minor details about having dated someone you know they don’t like, or being one class short of earning your Bachelors even though you claim to have graduated, or having gotten hair plugs or a hair transplant, or anything that you wouldn’t really care about if roles were reversed.

But, if you have a latent yet permanent disease, or if you tested positive for the BRCA gene, or if you can’t have kids, or if you were previously married, then you should share this information after you’ve created momentum with several dates, but before you’re in a committed relationship.

Dating Deadlines

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Since coining the phrase “poly-dating,” I have been asked the following question: isn’t that cheating? No. No, it is not. Until you are in a committed, monogamous relationship (whether you had ‘The Talk’ or you just know you both want to be pursue a future together), you do not need to explain yourself to anyone. You can date anyone you want. But, as soon as things start getting serious with one person, then you must break it off with the others. If you’re planning on having sex with one of your prospects then you need to break things off with the others beforehand, out of respect for all parties involved.

Once your new relationship is secure you can mention that there were others you were dating until they made you realize that no one else could measure up (may as well spread it on thick if you’re going to go there), but don’t volunteer the information if no one asks because it really doesn’t matter what you did before things got serious.

And, in general, there is no reason to continue having a friendship with any of the rejected prospects. You were dating to see if there was a future together; there wasn’t, and that relationship is now over. Your new significant other will not appreciate you having a friendship with someone you were dating at the same time.

Two-Timing or Poly-Dating?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Here’s the scenario a JDater recently asked my advice about:

“I’ve been poly-dating as you recommend in your book, but I’m afraid I’ve let it get too serious with two guys at the same time! Now I feel like I’m two-timing. Each relationship is just progressing naturally and I haven’t had “The Talk” with either, but I feel like I’m betraying both of them because I like both of them. What do I do?”

In short, keep dating both of them unless you feel stronger about one, or until you have “The Talk” with one. People, particularly women, are not used to poly-dating and feel guilty. “Betrayal” is an accurate word for how people feel, but unless you are in a committed, monogamous relationship, then you are free to date whomever you want and you’re not betraying anyone. Poly-dating is not for everyone. But if you are finding yourself in a pattern where you fall for each new prospect too quickly and then get hurt, poly-dating may be something you ought to start practicing. It will keep you grounded and prevent you from falling too quickly for anyone… and it’s fun (just practice safe poly-dating and no one should get hurt!).

Tic-Tock the Dating Clock

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

My girlfriend recently called me asking for advice. She has been in a relationship for two years and they are really happy, but there has been no talk about the future. In fact, her boyfriend told her he is a “commitment-phobe” because his parents divorced when he was young. He is committed to her and they have traveled internationally with both their families and friends — yet he hasn’t made any movement to take the next step. Both of them are in their thirties, and although she isn’t feeling her biological clock ticking, she is wondering when their relationship will move forward.

I suggested she speak with him about it in a no-pressure tone, with non-aggressive wording, a laid-back posture, and without making him feel like it’s a test. I told her to put it on him by asking him where he sees their relationship going and then letting him take the lead in the conversation. It may seem somewhat passive of her, but people who claim to be commitment-phobic will run when not approached the right way.

My friend needed to realize that her needs are important, and that she shouldn’t accept less from him when she wanted more. She wasn’t being unrealistic, it had been two years after all, but she needed to assert herself. Therefore, I also counseled her on what to do after hearing his response — whether it was what she wanted to hear or not, she needed to let him know what she wants and they can hopefully move forward from there, together, to the next stage.

Commitment Concerns

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

You say you want to be in a committed relationship that will lead to a long-lasting, forever marriage til death do you part, but yet you’re not even fully committed to dating effectively! Dating is something that needs to be taken seriously – all the while having fun, of course – and it’s not for the weak. Dating is a good test run for relationships because if you think dating is hard, marriage is infinitely more difficult. Marriage is more fulfilling too, but life only gets more complicated in other ways. Learn about your interpersonal skills during dates because they are techniques you will need to use as a husband or wife. Communicating effectively, listening well, compromising, and other good habits you can foster during dating and use during marriage. If you want to get married then don’t give up on dating!

Casually Dating or More?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks now…I would say that it’s “pretty casual” considering we usually see one another 1-2 times a week (it’s a little bit difficult for me to go out more than that as I am a single mom and have sole custody of my child). We communicate every day, either by text (which I’m really not crazy about!), or by brief phone calls (which usually last 10-30 minutes, max). The guy seems to like me…is always complementing me, flattering me, etc. (although it usually has to do with my appearance), but the “relationship” doesn’t really feel like it’s progressing. Sometimes, after an especially romantic date, the guy won’t call me until about 10 p.m. the next night. He’s a very good looking, confident, and charming guy…a real “catch” (on paper!). I’m trying not to let this situation get the best of me, but I’m starting to feel taken for granted and insecure here. Although I’m presently “dating” in general, it’s not my style to “juggle” men (I just got out of a long-term relationship)… and, in spite of myself, I’m starting to find myself developing strong feelings for this guy, although my better judgment tells me to proceed with caution! What do you think? How should I handle this situation? This guy even told me (voluntarily, without being prompted) that he is not seeing anyone else and that he’s even considering closing his JDate account. Is this guy “just not that into me” considering he’s not pursuing me that actively?

Dear Casually Dating or More?,

It sounds to me like you’re trying to find problems where there aren’t any! This thus-far casual relationship seems much more serious to me via your letter than you seem able to see yourself. You’re seeing each other about twice a week — great! He compliments you — fantastic! He calls you regularly and texts as well — super! He voluntarily told you he isn’t seeing anyone else and is thinking of closing his JDate account — phenomenal! And yet you think he’s not pursuing you that actively? What more can he do? I bet if you told him what you needed he would do so because I think he really likes you! So what’s the problem here? To be frank, I think it’s your insecurity that things may be progressing faster than you imagined, or that you will give more of yourself only to be rejected. I know you just got out of a long-term relationship, but that doesn’t mean the next guy couldn’t possibly be your Beshert. If you’re enjoying dating freely and are not ready for commitment then let him know you’re not ready to get serious so quickly. But be warned — you risk losing a great guy who most definitely IS into you!

JDate Stalker

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

Hi!  Ok, so I’ve been on and off of JDate for a few years now, and I currently find myself in a situation that I have never been faced with before. I met a guy on here and we totally hit it off.  We’re in no way even close to being in a committed relationship, but we emailed for months (he was traveling), and had instant chemistry when we first met.  He seems like a really genuine guy, and not at all a serial dater (which I’ve turned into, and don’t want to be anymore).  Anyway, I can’t help but to sign on every few days and see if he’s signed on!  It’s driving me crazy.  I can see when he’s viewing me, so he’s not just signing on to do that…so it’s safe to say he’s interested in what’s out there. Any advice for me? I know I should stop checking, but that’s too easy!

Dear JDate Stalker,

Hello and welcome to the club. Anyone who has ever been on JDate has at one point or another turned into a cyber stalker. The first step is admitting it — which you’ve basically done by writing me. Now for the intervention…First of all, and be honest with yourself, can you truthfully say that in all the times you logged on to check if he was logging on that you didn’t also check who was new, who viewed you and who your matches were? Sure you did! It’s a natural impulse! Second, you yourself said that you are nowhere near a committed relationship, so there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be on JDate, right? It obviously sounds like you want to take the relationship to that level, so why not introduce “the talk?” You’ve been communicating for many months already and if he is as you say — not a serial dater — and the chemistry is mutual — then the conversation should go your way. I know it’s easier said than done to just tell you to stop logging on and stop stalking him, so instead I say take the bull by its horns and steer this relationship in the direction you want it to go. Good Luck!

The Children Choice

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I met a man in February and we clicked immediately. He actively pursued me, but we were not officially exclusive, although neither of us were dating anyone else. I noticed that on his profile he stated that he wanted children (he’s 50 years old). I already have kids and don’t want any more so I told him I’m the wrong person to be with if he still wants kids. His response? He doesn’t want to give up on the chance. So I told him that if he wants to meet a woman who would bear him children that is fine, but that we can’t see each other anymore. It was a month before we saw each other again and we’re now both confused. He says he’s been dumb because he really likes me but still feels he might want kids. By the way, this man is very successful, he’s never been married and his longest relationship was a year. I think I should walk away, but I also think we have something special. He agrees, but he still might want kids! What should I do?

Dear Children Choice,

Wow, this is a toughie at first glance, but I think I can simplify it for you. You have children, you don’t want to have any more children, you need to find someone who also doesn’t want any more children. He doesn’t have children, he may want children, so he needs to find someone who may also want children. It’s actually a black and white situation. If he’s not comfortable and willing to give up on the idea of children, then you need to give up on the idea of him and move on. In his JDate profile, you admit he checked “Yes” regarding “Do You Plan On Having Children?”  so you can’t say you weren’t forewarned.  You may have chemistry and great conversation, but this is a huge life decision he needs to make on his own. You wouldn’t want to marry this man just to have him approach you in five years and tell you that he has this empty space in his heart that only a biological child can fill. Better to find out now. Also, his relationship history concerns me. I’m sure he has worked really hard to become successful, but to be 50 years old and to not have had a relationship last longer than a year is suspect. You saw the signals, I’m hanging the red flags from them and telling you what you already knew but needed to hear from someone else — forget about this guy and find someone who’s a better fit for you. Just make sure they check “No” in the children column. Good Luck!

Peter Pan

by SWEETADVENTURE8 under Relationships,Single Life

Recently, my girls and I have met a plethora of really really fun guys!  Guys I would choose to hang out with, dance the night away with, run through Thailand with and do fun, daring and exciting stuff with.  But to marry and raise a family with any one of these guys is another question.  It is a different set of criteria.  I guess it is the Peter Pan vibe and concerns associated with the world of Neverland.  Real world challenges, responsibilities, crises, extended commitment during the boring monotonous moments…I’m not sure how these “fun partners” would fare.  What is ironic I have found, is that it’s usually the Peter Pan types that express their desire to settle down and be in a committed relationship with family, kids and a picket fence but in actuality, I’m not sure I buy it.  I wonder if society imposes the norm of settling down on these otherwise would be lifelong bachelors.  Let me clarify, I’m not judging anyone and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting children or marriage or being less traditional and not wanting to embrace society’s traditional norms, as long as you are fulfilled as a person.  It is sad for those Peter Pans who don’t want to grow up and prefer Neverland, but feel they must do so, to appease their family and society.