But now he’s gone off to the island of lost men…right?

How many times has this happened to you? You go on a good first date, possibly even a great first date and there’s excitement to see each other again. You end the date with a sweet (or maybe even dare we say it, a hot kiss) and after that, its a few texts that are exchanged but not a mention of seeing each other again.

But the date went so well!

So what happened?

Is it that he’s just not that into you? (Well, it could be, but the kiss does say a lot…)

I’m going to go against the age old adage of “love conquers all” to tell you something that many matchmakers won’t admit out loud:

Relationships = the right person + the right timing.

And timing could have to do with anything. Meaning, a bad time could be right out of a breakup, a busy time at work, a family crisis.

So what do you have to do?

Absolutely nothing. Because you already went on the date, you showed him your best side, you kissed him back (or maybe you kissed him!) and now you just have to go on living your life. You cannot force timing. And, when you feel like it – you can call him up and ask him out again. If he says no…oh well…

By the way, the inverse applies to the Island of Lost Women too! Men, just call her!

xoxo,
Mel

Getting into a fight with someone you’re dating can be both good and bad. If you’re able to communicate your way out of it and grow from it, then your relationship seems like its on really solid ground and on the right path. But if one person is screaming and yelling, or if one person storms out of the room all the time, or if one person clams up and doesn’t speak, then it may not be the right match. Not to say that it couldn’t work, but fighting is an important part of any relationship and how you fight is more important than how you are when you’re getting along. Don’t call names, don’t make digs, and try to recognize when you’re at fault. And if you’re fighting a little too often, decide if this is really right for you before the relationship goes any farther.

Every single time I would meet someone I would tell everyone about it. I would talk about how happy I was, how amazing the new guy was, what we were doing, when and where we were going on dates, how much we had in common, the future I imagined us sharing and so on and so forth. The simple fact is that I was excited and hoped time and again that this was the one. Of course, until recently, it never was. And each time there was a break-up I was left having to answer questions and inquiries about the relationship from people who only had good intentions but didn’t know any better.

Another perk to keeping a new love interest to yourself is to keep out the naysayers. Friends of yours who are single and saw the same person on JDate or at a singles event may be jealous. These so-called friends may show support to your face, but they may not be sending as positive of vibes behind your back. When you’re single and putting yourself out there, you don’t need anything to get in your way, and that includes any negativity put out into the universe with your name on it. Until it gets serious, keep it to yourself. It will be more special and more authentic that way.

Guys seem to understand this better than women. Most women like to immediately introduce their newest flame to all their friends, whether to show him off or to see how he meshes with your friends or for a plethora of other reasons. Guys, on the other hand, wait as long as humanly possible before introducing a new girl to their friends. Whether they’re worried about the girl seeing them in their element or not wanting to risk their friends outing them as a player or for whatever the reason, guys tend to wait and it would behoove more women to do the same. Keep it to yourself for as long as possible and you will reap the rewards. And if it doesn’t pan out, there will be fewer people to (unintentionally, of course) rub it in your face and remind you of yet another failed relationship on the road to finding your Beshert.

Is online dating turning more into Twitter than ever before?

These days we can access all of our online dating applications through our mobile devices.   What does this mean?  More and more people are no longer taking the time to sit down and actually write well, thought out emails.  Responses are being sent by women while on the go as if they are Twitter updates or responding to text messages.

With each day that passes, I see more emails coming in that are two sentences or fewer.  Many of them barely acknowledge a lot of the information that was written in the previous response, and are just casual, “Twitter-like” responses.

They still show interest.  They still want to talk.  But the effort is not there and they are coming in more brief than ever.

In the fast paced world we live in, is this the future of the way we communicate.  Simple, shallow, rushed responses.  Are we devolving even more than ever?  Will people eventually no longer sit down and write emails? 

I see this as a strong possibility!

I have been on a cold streak (10 years) when it comes to dating. I am really good at meeting my date. I say, “Hello.” and listen to her answer. Then, I conduct myself as a normal human being interacting in a way that employs both my verbal and physical abilities. I listen to her talk and answer accordingly. I laugh when she says something clever and cast sympathetic eyes when she tells me something sad. I sit and hold back my conversation in order to let her speak more about herself. I also offer to pay if we are patronizing a place of business. If she insists, I let her pay for because a.) I have almost no money, and b.) I want to show her that I’m progressive, too. I am so progressive that I’ll let her pay for my entire meal.

Though I think I am handling myself well and carefully, I don’t think that I look and sound like what I think I look and sound like. What, to me, seems like genuine laughter at one of her anecdotes may, in fact, look like a crazy person punching the table and kicking wildly while laughing two octaves higher than most humans can speak. What, to me, seems like pensive thought while she shares something somber, instead, looks like utter confusion and profuse sweating. As I sit and try to listen, I seem to laugh intermittently at just the right moments and at just the right volume. Though, in reality, this looks like a manic seizure that years of therapy and Xanax have not fixed. Though I think that I am being progressive by letting her pay, I am in fact regressing the date back to 1955 when the woman was in charge of feeding her man.

I am now at a point where I feel a strong compulsion to text the girl immediately after every date because I am so afraid that she will never want to see me again. I know I shouldn’t do it, but I feel such a strong urge to do so. Tonight, after another first date that I thought went relatively well, I texted her about twenty minutes after the date. This time, she said she’d like to go out again. I wonder what a second date is like.

You’ve heard it before — the majority of our communication is non-verbal communication. In fact, the last time I checked, the statistic is that 55% of our communication is non-verbal[1] so what does it say when our words and body language aren’t aligned?

It says that “something’s not telling the truth” and I’ll give you a hint, it’s a lot easier to manipulate and control our words than it is to control the subtle yet very important body language signs that share so much about what we’re feeling.

If you read this blog semi-regularly, two weeks ago I wrote this article for JBlog about “throwing all the rules out the window” and telling the truth in dating. I discussed how much more powerful it is to actually express how you’re feeling rather than hide it and play the dating game. Well, I left out a key component in that article: your body language will sell you out.

Alex, a fellow dating coach and trusted friend pointed this fact out when we were discussing that particular blog post. As he put it,

“attempting to act aloof often backfires and people come off as fake because they are communicating what they feel, whether they want to or not.”

I couldn’t agree more. Ever find yourself experiencing someone who is giving you “mixed signals”? That phenomenon occurs when people are only listening to themselves half the time.* Half the time they feel that they’re into you and act accordingly, and the other half of the time, they’re into you and acting like they’re not because “that’s how you play the game, right?” (No, no it is not!) Doing so means you can confuse someone, alienate someone, or in the case of doing it to me, really annoy someone.

With that said, most people aren’t nerdy enough to spend a ton of time reading body language books (read: me) but even without informal or formal “training”, humans are intuitively adept at reading body language. We can, without knowing why, tell when someone is into us (closing the physical gap and small touches are a few obvious ones) just as easily as we can tell that someone is upset. People read people.

Unfortunately, like I mentioned in the previous article, the only person who usually ends up disappointed when you try to hide or avoid expressing your emotions ends up being you (because you’ve pushed your potential romantic partner away!) So, like I said before — tell the truth!

*There is an exception to this rule: sometimes, someone who doesn’t know what they want can give off mixed signals too. But those mixed signals usually mean they’re unsure they want you, so kick ‘em to the curb and find someone who’s dang sure they’re just that into you.

Got a question? Comment below or send Mel a private e-mail here.

1. [1] Mehrabian, Albert & Susan R. Ferris (1967): Inference of attitudes from nonverbal communication in two channels. Journal of consulting psychology 31 (3): 248-252.

Dear Tamar,

After 4 or 5 days of either emailing or speaking on the phone, my JDate communications die off? What can I do?

Dear Short Term Communication,

The best thing to do would be to make plans after 2 days of communication instead of letting the conversation continue and then taper off. In order to really see if a JDate is for you, you have to meet. A relationship can only go so far online or on the phone. As women, we prefer to have the men do the asking out, but you’re already communicating in this situation so there’s nothing wrong with asking a guy what his plans are for that week/weekend and saying you should meet up for coffee. If he doesn’t take the initiative to make plans, then be straight with him and let him know you’d prefer to just meet and make sure there’s chemistry before spending anymore time getting to know each other.

Dear Tamar,

I recently went on a first date and on the way home I gave her a specialty chocolate bar because she had mentioned she loved them.  She texted me later that night saying thank you and she had a nice time.  I called her the next day and the day after that and got no respone.  She then called me and after 10 minutes she got a call she had to take.  She texted me asking if we could talk the following evening.  After a day of no return call, I then called again and texted one final time the next day. No response.  My problem is I obviously didn’t get the message she wasn’t interested when she didn’t return my calls.  But I was thrown off by her text and previous call back.  And where is the courtesy of even just an email saying thank you but we aren’t a match?  I feel I deserved that much and I was so stressed all week because I did like her and was hoping to plan a second date.  Sadly this happens all the time.  I always communicate after a date, good or bad.  Why do woman do this?  Do they think it’s ok?  Are they doing it because guys have done that all the time to them?  It is very upsetting and makes me not want to date at all.

Dear No Reply Rejection,

Both men and women are guilty of not responding when they’re not interested but I’m sorry it seems to happen to you more often. It sounds like you did everything right but she simply wasn’t feeling you. You’ve made all the effort you can; anymore and you’re infringing upon stalker status. She was definitely sending mixed signals by texting you and calling you back but at the end of the day it’s time to cut your losses. Please continue to call women even after a bad date to let them know you’re not interested, it’s good karma. Don’t become that guy because you’ve had unfortunate run-ins with rude women.

My friend Miriam* called me for advice the other day. She met a guy JDate but things haven’t exactly gone smoothly. He sent her the initial email on JDate which was good and after exchanging a few e-mails he asked her, still via JDate e-mail, to meet him for a glass of wine. She responded with her phone number. His response: his phone number. Obviously, they didn’t meet because someone had to make the first phone call, right? After a few more e-mails throughout the weekend he again asked her to meet, this time for gelato. She responded with her phone number. His response: a text. The non-existent relationship went from confusing to annoying.

She told him she wasn’t a text person, but he told her he wasn’t a phone person. It was enough to make a girl give up and Miriam was just about to throw in the towel. I advised her to stop playing his game and not respond to his texts. It worked. He finally called the next day to ask her out. Finally, they met but all that effort was wasted as it wasn’t meant to be. I doubt this guy is going to find his Beshert if he continues to be difficult and communicate with women in this bizarre way.

*all names have been changed

Hi Tamar,

I get a lot of responses from great guys, who seem really excited to meet me and all enthusiastic, but then they just stop talking to me. This happened recently. A guy was really excited to meet me and was supposed to call me that night, but I never heard from him and then he stopped talking to me. I couldn’t have possibly said anything wrong between the time we met and when he said he was going to call so I’m wondering what happened?

Dear Stop Loss,

Unfortunately, this is not unusual with Internet dating. The men you’re talking to are probably talking to a few other women as well, and if one of those connections turned serious, he’s likely to no longer correspond with you. He figures he doesn’t owe you anything because he hasn’t met you yet. I once received an email from a JDate I hadn’t yet met and he told me he was getting serious with someone and could no longer make plans or communicate with me. To be honest, I felt it was a little overboard. He didn’t need to go through such extremes writing me a lengthy email, but on the other hand, it was better to know than to be left in a state of mystery like you’re in right now. As for the man you were supposed to meet, just chalk him up as a coward and move on. You will need to weed through these losers until you find your beshert, but believe me, women are pulling the same stunts with men. We’re all in the same boat. My suggestion is not to spend too much time corresponding before meeting.  As I’ve said before, your JDate profile already supplies the information you would normally exchange on the first date, so try to keep the pre-date communication to a minimum or else risk creating expectations that neither side can meet. Good luck!