under Date Night
I date a lot of guys, and I like to think that I do a pretty good job vetting the guys and assessing their character. However, I’m still pretty wary of first dates. Safety tends to be compromised when people get complacent. If it’s a first date, I meet in daylight and in public. I never let them see where I live: not the neighborhood, street, or building. If I can safely take public transit, I do. If not, I don’t typically go directly home from the date unless it’s more than a 15-minute drive. Call me paranoid, but I know that sexual assault and rape unfortunately happen.
Rewind to last year. I went on a date with a guy who I’ve known since I was 16. I thought him to be an upstanding person. He had just moved into a new house a few hours north of mine. After spending a day together, his mom made us a healthy dinner that we ate with his family. The whole thing seemed very sweet and wholesome. He then took me down a hallway to his new room. I sat on his bed to take off my shoes. My feet were tired and swollen after a long day of walking. Next thing I knew, he had one hand down my pants and the other was reaching into my bra. Since things escalated very quickly, I had to fight him off a bit. He was being very aggressive and his eyes looked mean in a way I’d never seen before. Luckily I nipped things in the bud very quickly, but I was taken aback by what happened. I was heartbroken that someone I had trusted – and someone I had known for years – turned out to be so shady.
My good female friend always says, “If you’re only friends, you have to ask before you stick your hands where the sun doesn’t shine.” Clearly my date didn’t know that. Of the nearly 30 dates I’ve been on, only one has taken a scary turn. However, one is enough. One is too much. And not everyone escapes as lucky as I did. Maybe you spare yourself that one date by being slightly more careful. I think it’s well worth the trouble.
Click here for a full list of safety tips from JDate.
At some point in your dating career, you will end up with someone who is annoyingly affectionate. Usually you already have an inkling that this person isn’t “The One” — and so everything they do is annoying, but whether it’s a first date or a one-year anniversary, there are people out there who don’t realize their type of affection is anything but loving.
It’s those people who constantly touch you — regardless of if you’re eating, sleeping, in the midst of a fight, talking, walking, crying, getting ready, cooking, you get the point. Affection is (usually) welcome, as long as its the right amount at the right time. Some people don’t like to be touched when they are doing certain things or feeling a certain way and anyone interested in being with you long-term needs to learn to both read your body language and your moods!
Lil Jon was characterized by his excessive use of three exclamations “YEAH!” “OK!” and “WHHAATT” (extra emphasis on the extension of the word “what”) in his songs, as well as his ability to speak incoherently in successive lyrics. While Lil’ Jon was great to dance to as a high school freshman, mine, as well as others’ enjoyment of his booty-shaking songs waned as other rappers, with better command of the English language, and more creativity in their albums, came on the scene.
What does this have to do with dating?
Think about this. 90% of the time (feel free to dispute my facts) guys are attracted to girls (or girls to guys, or guys to guys or girls to girls) based on physical attraction. Period.
Why does it usually end? Someone isn’t interested anymore, or someone cheats.
Why does this usually happen? 90% of the time (again, feel free to dispute this claim) disgruntled parties cite a “lack of communication”.
What is a lack of communication? Most of the time, disinterested parties will answer their partner’s questions with the common answers of “YEAH!” “OK!” and “WHHHAATT?” not providing a succinct answer to question and usually answering in a combative, angry undertone that leads to a long and drawn out fight which may cut into your normal couple time of making vegetarian food and watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Which reminds me, I need to go check my DVR.
Do not let your dating life and relationship crumble like Lil Jon’s popularity. Communicate, and you will see positive results.
Temperature can mean a lot of things in a relationship but whichever definition you use, you want your mate’s temperature to complement yours. Whenever I’m freezing, my husband luckily isn’t and he can lend me his jacket. My hubby and I both kick our feet out from under the sheets while we sleep. And when I’m feeling down he peps me up. But when you’re dating and you’re still looking for that person you will find that you won’t always balance out.
Then there’s the messages you’re receiving – one day your date is interested and the next your date is nowhere to be found. When you speak, your date is present and involved but your texts are never returned. One day your relationship is hot n heavy and the next day your relationship is as cold as a dead fish. This is not a healthy relationship. And if you can recognize this early on then you should move on because you deserve to be desired on a consistent basis. Chemistry is not always physical and sexual, but is also a meshing of two personalities and lives.
Getting into a fight with someone you’re dating can be both good and bad. If you’re able to communicate your way out of it and grow from it, then your relationship seems like its on really solid ground and on the right path. But if one person is screaming and yelling, or if one person storms out of the room all the time, or if one person clams up and doesn’t speak, then it may not be the right match. Not to say that it couldn’t work, but fighting is an important part of any relationship and how you fight is more important than how you are when you’re getting along. Don’t call names, don’t make digs, and try to recognize when you’re at fault. And if you’re fighting a little too often, decide if this is really right for you before the relationship goes any farther.
Every single time I would meet someone I would tell everyone about it. I would talk about how happy I was, how amazing the new guy was, what we were doing, when and where we were going on dates, how much we had in common, the future I imagined us sharing and so on and so forth. The simple fact is that I was excited and hoped time and again that this was the one. Of course, until recently, it never was. And each time there was a break-up I was left having to answer questions and inquiries about the relationship from people who only had good intentions but didn’t know any better.
Another perk to keeping a new love interest to yourself is to keep out the naysayers. Friends of yours who are single and saw the same person on JDate or at a singles event may be jealous. These so-called friends may show support to your face, but they may not be sending as positive of vibes behind your back. When you’re single and putting yourself out there, you don’t need anything to get in your way, and that includes any negativity put out into the universe with your name on it. Until it gets serious, keep it to yourself. It will be more special and more authentic that way.
Guys seem to understand this better than women. Most women like to immediately introduce their newest flame to all their friends, whether to show him off or to see how he meshes with your friends or for a plethora of other reasons. Guys, on the other hand, wait as long as humanly possible before introducing a new girl to their friends. Whether they’re worried about the girl seeing them in their element or not wanting to risk their friends outing them as a player or for whatever the reason, guys tend to wait and it would behoove more women to do the same. Keep it to yourself for as long as possible and you will reap the rewards. And if it doesn’t pan out, there will be fewer people to (unintentionally, of course) rub it in your face and remind you of yet another failed relationship on the road to finding your Beshert.
under Online Dating
Is online dating turning more into Twitter than ever before?
These days we can access all of our online dating applications through our mobile devices. What does this mean? More and more people are no longer taking the time to sit down and actually write well, thought out emails. Responses are being sent by women while on the go as if they are Twitter updates or responding to text messages.
With each day that passes, I see more emails coming in that are two sentences or fewer. Many of them barely acknowledge a lot of the information that was written in the previous response, and are just casual, “Twitter-like” responses.
They still show interest. They still want to talk. But the effort is not there and they are coming in more brief than ever.
In the fast paced world we live in, is this the future of the way we communicate. Simple, shallow, rushed responses. Are we devolving even more than ever? Will people eventually no longer sit down and write emails?
I see this as a strong possibility!
under Date Night
I have been on a cold streak (10 years) when it comes to dating. I am really good at meeting my date. I say, “Hello.” and listen to her answer. Then, I conduct myself as a normal human being interacting in a way that employs both my verbal and physical abilities. I listen to her talk and answer accordingly. I laugh when she says something clever and cast sympathetic eyes when she tells me something sad. I sit and hold back my conversation in order to let her speak more about herself. I also offer to pay if we are patronizing a place of business. If she insists, I let her pay for because a.) I have almost no money, and b.) I want to show her that I’m progressive, too. I am so progressive that I’ll let her pay for my entire meal.
Though I think I am handling myself well and carefully, I don’t think that I look and sound like what I think I look and sound like. What, to me, seems like genuine laughter at one of her anecdotes may, in fact, look like a crazy person punching the table and kicking wildly while laughing two octaves higher than most humans can speak. What, to me, seems like pensive thought while she shares something somber, instead, looks like utter confusion and profuse sweating. As I sit and try to listen, I seem to laugh intermittently at just the right moments and at just the right volume. Though, in reality, this looks like a manic seizure that years of therapy and Xanax have not fixed. Though I think that I am being progressive by letting her pay, I am in fact regressing the date back to 1955 when the woman was in charge of feeding her man.
I am now at a point where I feel a strong compulsion to text the girl immediately after every date because I am so afraid that she will never want to see me again. I know I shouldn’t do it, but I feel such a strong urge to do so. Tonight, after another first date that I thought went relatively well, I texted her about twenty minutes after the date. This time, she said she’d like to go out again. I wonder what a second date is like.
After 4 or 5 days of either emailing or speaking on the phone, my JDate communications die off? What can I do?
Dear Short Term Communication,
The best thing to do would be to make plans after 2 days of communication instead of letting the conversation continue and then taper off. In order to really see if a JDate is for you, you have to meet. A relationship can only go so far online or on the phone. As women, we prefer to have the men do the asking out, but you’re already communicating in this situation so there’s nothing wrong with asking a guy what his plans are for that week/weekend and saying you should meet up for coffee. If he doesn’t take the initiative to make plans, then be straight with him and let him know you’d prefer to just meet and make sure there’s chemistry before spending anymore time getting to know each other.
I recently went on a first date and on the way home I gave her a specialty chocolate bar because she had mentioned she loved them. She texted me later that night saying thank you and she had a nice time. I called her the next day and the day after that and got no respone. She then called me and after 10 minutes she got a call she had to take. She texted me asking if we could talk the following evening. After a day of no return call, I then called again and texted one final time the next day. No response. My problem is I obviously didn’t get the message she wasn’t interested when she didn’t return my calls. But I was thrown off by her text and previous call back. And where is the courtesy of even just an email saying thank you but we aren’t a match? I feel I deserved that much and I was so stressed all week because I did like her and was hoping to plan a second date. Sadly this happens all the time. I always communicate after a date, good or bad. Why do woman do this? Do they think it’s ok? Are they doing it because guys have done that all the time to them? It is very upsetting and makes me not want to date at all.
Dear No Reply Rejection,
Both men and women are guilty of not responding when they’re not interested but I’m sorry it seems to happen to you more often. It sounds like you did everything right but she simply wasn’t feeling you. You’ve made all the effort you can; anymore and you’re infringing upon stalker status. She was definitely sending mixed signals by texting you and calling you back but at the end of the day it’s time to cut your losses. Please continue to call women even after a bad date to let them know you’re not interested, it’s good karma. Don’t become that guy because you’ve had unfortunate run-ins with rude women.