under Date Night
I have been on a cold streak (10 years) when it comes to dating. I am really good at meeting my date. I say, “Hello.” and listen to her answer. Then, I conduct myself as a normal human being interacting in a way that employs both my verbal and physical abilities. I listen to her talk and answer accordingly. I laugh when she says something clever and cast sympathetic eyes when she tells me something sad. I sit and hold back my conversation in order to let her speak more about herself. I also offer to pay if we are patronizing a place of business. If she insists, I let her pay for because a.) I have almost no money, and b.) I want to show her that I’m progressive, too. I am so progressive that I’ll let her pay for my entire meal.
Though I think I am handling myself well and carefully, I don’t think that I look and sound like what I think I look and sound like. What, to me, seems like genuine laughter at one of her anecdotes may, in fact, look like a crazy person punching the table and kicking wildly while laughing two octaves higher than most humans can speak. What, to me, seems like pensive thought while she shares something somber, instead, looks like utter confusion and profuse sweating. As I sit and try to listen, I seem to laugh intermittently at just the right moments and at just the right volume. Though, in reality, this looks like a manic seizure that years of therapy and Xanax have not fixed. Though I think that I am being progressive by letting her pay, I am in fact regressing the date back to 1955 when the woman was in charge of feeding her man.
I am now at a point where I feel a strong compulsion to text the girl immediately after every date because I am so afraid that she will never want to see me again. I know I shouldn’t do it, but I feel such a strong urge to do so. Tonight, after another first date that I thought went relatively well, I texted her about twenty minutes after the date. This time, she said she’d like to go out again. I wonder what a second date is like.
After 4 or 5 days of either emailing or speaking on the phone, my JDate communications die off? What can I do?
Dear Short Term Communication,
The best thing to do would be to make plans after 2 days of communication instead of letting the conversation continue and then taper off. In order to really see if a JDate is for you, you have to meet. A relationship can only go so far online or on the phone. As women, we prefer to have the men do the asking out, but you’re already communicating in this situation so there’s nothing wrong with asking a guy what his plans are for that week/weekend and saying you should meet up for coffee. If he doesn’t take the initiative to make plans, then be straight with him and let him know you’d prefer to just meet and make sure there’s chemistry before spending anymore time getting to know each other.
I recently went on a first date and on the way home I gave her a specialty chocolate bar because she had mentioned she loved them. She texted me later that night saying thank you and she had a nice time. I called her the next day and the day after that and got no respone. She then called me and after 10 minutes she got a call she had to take. She texted me asking if we could talk the following evening. After a day of no return call, I then called again and texted one final time the next day. No response. My problem is I obviously didn’t get the message she wasn’t interested when she didn’t return my calls. But I was thrown off by her text and previous call back. And where is the courtesy of even just an email saying thank you but we aren’t a match? I feel I deserved that much and I was so stressed all week because I did like her and was hoping to plan a second date. Sadly this happens all the time. I always communicate after a date, good or bad. Why do woman do this? Do they think it’s ok? Are they doing it because guys have done that all the time to them? It is very upsetting and makes me not want to date at all.
Dear No Reply Rejection,
Both men and women are guilty of not responding when they’re not interested but I’m sorry it seems to happen to you more often. It sounds like you did everything right but she simply wasn’t feeling you. You’ve made all the effort you can; anymore and you’re infringing upon stalker status. She was definitely sending mixed signals by texting you and calling you back but at the end of the day it’s time to cut your losses. Please continue to call women even after a bad date to let them know you’re not interested, it’s good karma. Don’t become that guy because you’ve had unfortunate run-ins with rude women.
My friend Miriam* called me for advice the other day. She met a guy JDate but things haven’t exactly gone smoothly. He sent her the initial email on JDate which was good and after exchanging a few e-mails he asked her, still via JDate e-mail, to meet him for a glass of wine. She responded with her phone number. His response: his phone number. Obviously, they didn’t meet because someone had to make the first phone call, right? After a few more e-mails throughout the weekend he again asked her to meet, this time for gelato. She responded with her phone number. His response: a text. The non-existent relationship went from confusing to annoying.
She told him she wasn’t a text person, but he told her he wasn’t a phone person. It was enough to make a girl give up and Miriam was just about to throw in the towel. I advised her to stop playing his game and not respond to his texts. It worked. He finally called the next day to ask her out. Finally, they met but all that effort was wasted as it wasn’t meant to be. I doubt this guy is going to find his Beshert if he continues to be difficult and communicate with women in this bizarre way.
*all names have been changed
I get a lot of responses from great guys, who seem really excited to meet me and all enthusiastic, but then they just stop talking to me. This happened recently. A guy was really excited to meet me and was supposed to call me that night, but I never heard from him and then he stopped talking to me. I couldn’t have possibly said anything wrong between the time we met and when he said he was going to call so I’m wondering what happened?
Dear Stop Loss,
Unfortunately, this is not unusual with Internet dating. The men you’re talking to are probably talking to a few other women as well, and if one of those connections turned serious, he’s likely to no longer correspond with you. He figures he doesn’t owe you anything because he hasn’t met you yet. I once received an email from a JDate I hadn’t yet met and he told me he was getting serious with someone and could no longer make plans or communicate with me. To be honest, I felt it was a little overboard. He didn’t need to go through such extremes writing me a lengthy email, but on the other hand, it was better to know than to be left in a state of mystery like you’re in right now. As for the man you were supposed to meet, just chalk him up as a coward and move on. You will need to weed through these losers until you find your beshert, but believe me, women are pulling the same stunts with men. We’re all in the same boat. My suggestion is not to spend too much time corresponding before meeting. As I’ve said before, your JDate profile already supplies the information you would normally exchange on the first date, so try to keep the pre-date communication to a minimum or else risk creating expectations that neither side can meet. Good luck!
I started communicating with a guy a few weeks ago. At first I thought his caps lock key was a mistake, but nope, it wasn’t. He seemed bright, wrote well, and we seemed to have a lot in common. However, he wrote in all caps! What’s with that? Keeping the caps lock key on is the same as yelling in my opinion. It is bad online etiquette. In all honesty, it was a complete turn-off. I even asked him what would possess him to type in all caps. His reply, “I want to be noticed.” That was all I had to read before I lost all interest. Remember, caps on, translates to yelling.
under Date Night
Dear Gems from Jen,
I was talking with this girl on JDate about a week ago and we were both excited for meeting up this coming Saturday night. I have not heard from her since we first talked last week. What would you recommend doing? And if there was something that I could have done differently what would you suggest?
I know it may seem old fashioned, but a lot of us women like the man to do the calling. It may not be the way things “should” be, but nonetheless, it is the way things are a lot of the time. Go ahead and give her a call. Finalize the plans, e.g.; where you are going, how you both are getting there, time, and anything else pertinent to the date. From what you have told me thus far, there does not seem to be anything you could have done differently. Have a good time on the date and I hope things go well for the both of you!
Gems from Jen
Dear Gems from Jen,
I am new to JDate and the whole online dating scene in general. I have created my profile and have a subscription. I have pictures and I have been honest about what I am looking for in a woman and I have been honest about who I am. I have seen plenty of nice young ladies look at my profile, but every time I send an email or try to chat I am not getting any responses in return. What am I doing wrong?
Dear What am I doing Wrong,
I don’t think your question is that unusual. You are not the first person I have heard from that has had this complaint, nor do I think you will be the last. What are you saying to the women you email? Are you talking mainly about yourself or are you asking questions about who they are and what they are looking for on JDate? Always make sure the email is one in which the reader can reply to. There is nothing worse than receiving an email from someone and having absolutely nothing to respond to. I have corresponded with a few men who have done just this and it was not an attractive quality. It made it very difficult to respond and I felt as if we were having a conversation in which I was not a part of. I want to get to know people, so I ask questions. My curiosity not only gets me the answers I need about a potential date, but it also opens the door for real communication.
Numerous people don’t ask questions and take the time to start the getting-to-know-someone process, and then wonder what the problem is. Make sure that you are showing interest in getting to know the person in which you are attempting to correspond. I understand that online dating is a way of showing the world who you are, but it is also about showing genuine interest in the people you would like to get to know better.
Gems from Jen