My, Oh, My Menopause

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I am 61 years old but I honestly look younger and I’ve been through menopause and therefore my sexual appetite is on the wan.  The point is many men my age hint at the fact that they want a woman who is open to intimacy but they can only think that way because they have a magic pill — we don’t have a magic pill! How can I even begin to think about dating?

Dear My, Oh, My Menopause,

Menopause is something most men have no idea how to deal with. The hormonal swing sucks big time and your priorities in what you want in a partner definitely shifts away from something sexual. After a certain age you look for a companion and you can’t assume that all men just want sex all the time. Give them a chance, take your time easing into a relationship and hopefully the sex will come naturally and the enjoyment will come from the connection.


Lying About Your Age

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I was dating this guy long distance who I met on JDate. He thought I was 3 years younger and when I told him my true age he said I lied and abruptly broke up with me. He said he cannot handle a lie because he had been lied to before. We had only seen each other twice over about 4 or so months when he came to town for two weekends but he said that I lied for too long. He said that if I would have told him the truth anytime beforehand he would have been okay with it. What happened?

Dear Lying About Your Age,

I’ve gotten so many emails from people asking if it’s okay to lie about your age so that you’re not blocked out by someone’s age preference. And if you decide to do so, when should you ‘fess up? I’m not going to endorse lying, but if you’re going to do so then you need to admit your real age right away when you meet. It’s not fair to let someone get to know you and like you when you’ve misrepresented yourself. It’s simple — when you first meet someone, exchange pleasantries and then stop the conversation and come clean. Let them know your motivation was pure and that if they’re not cool with it you understand but that you hope your connection is strong enough to continue the date.

As for the guy you already went out with, write him an email. Take your time writing it, make sure there are no typos or grammatical errors to distract him from your message and explain what happened. Let him know how much you like him and that you thought you had already told him about your real age. Apologize and ask him to forgive you based on the connection you created. Since some time has passed, it will allow him to calm down about the whole ordeal and he can read your reasoning at his pace, and he may change his mind. But he may not. It can’t hurt to try.


That Indescribable Feeling

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

You know that feeling. You can’t quite put your finger on it, you can’t find the words to describe it, it makes you act different and you think you even believe to look different. It’s been nagging you ever since your last date. You can’t concentrate, your stomach is jittery, you can’t stop smiling, everything is sunny and happy even when it isn’t, the nervous anticipation makes you hopeful every time your phone makes a sound, you can’t sit still, and you suddenly are hopeful for the future all because… of that feeling.

You think you have met the one even though you have only met him or her once. There’s just something there, something intangible, but it is something and the best part is that it feels mutual (although you haven’t quite said so, you can feel that too). All you want to do is think about this person all day long, talk on the phone, text each other, and talk about him or her to your family, your friends, the stranger in the elevator, whomever will listen. You’re just so darn excited because you’ve never felt this way before. Or if you have, it’s been a long, long time and this feeling is so very different than the last time. Usually you get the opposite feeling – the one where you know that your date is so very much not the one that you want to leave before appetizers are served. But when one date leads to another and another and another with barely any time in between and yet you can’t stop thinking about, talking about and waiting to see each other during those short breaks then you know you’ve got something good.

Likely it will happen when you least expect it  — it could be the 1st or the 300th profile you looked at on JDate, it could happen instantly on your first date or not until your fifteenth date — but eventually it will happen and it’s the best feeling in the world.


Ageism

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

My friend Jenny turned 30 a few weeks ago and has found herself locked out of the dating game. Her JDate profile no longer shows up on many men’s pages because their age preference ends at 29. When she checks out guys she looks at their preferences only to find out she matches them… all except for age.

I figure if you’ve taken the time, money and effort to create a profile on JDate then why not make your chances of meeting someone as high as possible. A guy who meets Jenny at a party and finds out that she fulfills all his preferences accept that she’s no longer in her twenties is not going to reject her but will instead make an exception – so why systematically reject her online before you’ve even given her a chance?

If you expand your age range too wide there will be less of a chance of having a connection based on where you are in your life and the things you’ve already experienced, or are yet to experience. Any narrower and you’re lessening your chance of finding your Beshert by eliminating thousands of prospects by selecting just one year less.

I told Jenny that eventually the ignorance of these men will change because they’re going to find themselves continuing to be single on their next birthday and then having to up their age limit – at which point Jenny will be included in their searches… at least until her next birthday.


Inconsistently Interested

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I recently accepted a Sunday brunch as a first date from a widower. He mentioned that a year had passed since he’s become a widower and he was seriously seeking a partner to share his life with. He also made remark about an upcoming dinner date where a woman was going to meet some of his friends. Aside from this awkward comment, the date was lovely and as we parted he suggested a second date.

Another weekend passed, phone calls and emails when finally a date was proposed by email but not for another two and a half weeks, again on a Sunday but this time for dinner. He seemed like a relatively normal guy, so accepting the date wouldn’t have been out of the question except clearly I’m not at all on this man’s dating radar with a month between dates selected on Sundays.

Should I just say I’m unavailable, not answer, or acknowledge that he find me if and when his dating schedule opens up? I certainly understand dating a number of people simultaneously as you attempt to find the one, I do likewise. But he’s asking me to make an hour long trip back and forth on a work night when I’m obviously not a priority. It seems incongruent.

Dear Inconsistently Interested,

I think you already know the answer to your question, otherwise you wouldn’t bother asking, right? It sounds like you just want reassurance that rejecting the date is the right thing to do. But, and this is a big BUT, it is possible that he was dating someone, it got serious but didn’t work out, and now he’s getting back in touch with you because he felt a connection. You could accept the date but go on it knowing not to expect much and hopefully be happily surprised. It sounds like this guy caught your fancy so if you’re still unsure just ask him what’s going on. He may be surprised by the question and you may not like the answer, but if it’s going to continue to bother you then why not ask? Good luck!