Shunned and Stunned

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I’ve had quite a bit of success on JDate meeting some wonderful women.  Recently one of them stood out more than the others.  I was smitten. We went out five times in three weeks and each date was better than the last.  We laughed, we shared, we kissed, we cuddled, and we had an amazing start to a relationship. Then it suddenly ended.

After a long night together I went home at 11am for some much needed sleep but not before making plans for another date. At 3pm she called me to tell me it wasn’t working. I was stunned. I stopped by her place to drop off something she had left with me, and with a beautiful smile she thanked me for the time we had.

What had just happened?  Had I pushed too hard, moved too fast, spent too much time with her too quickly?  If that was the case, though, then why break it off?  If she liked me wasn’t that the kind of problem that was easily rectified? Simply tell me we need to slow down and I would have happily obliged! I texted her and said I wasn’t willing to leave it the way we had and that I would give her some space and call her in a week.  After all, I’m a guy who fights for a good thing!

If you have any advice for a poor dejected shlub like me I’d really appreciate it! Thanks!

Dear Shunned and Stunned,

Unfortunately I have been in your shoes and it sucks plain and simple. And if I care to think back (I really don’t), I bet I can think of a time when I left someone high and dry. I know you felt a connection and that it was mutual, but for her it wasn’t “it” for some reason that more than likely has nothing to do with you. The “why” may give you some closure and may make you feel better in the short term, but even if you never get that explanation you’re going to have to move on and force yourself to get over it. It’s heartbreaking to have had so much hope in something so new and have it end out of nowhere. It threatens your faith in love.

Let’s try to find the silver lining: it has only been a few weeks, at least she didn’t shun you after months and months together! You met someone on JDate that you had a deep connection with and that means it can and will happen again! You liked someone who was willing to throw away something that could have gone somewhere; do you really want to be with someone like that? (I’m guessing not).

There’s a chance she was just freaking out and needed some time to gather her thoughts but, unfortunately, I don’t see her changing her mind. Something happened that caused her to pull the trigger to end the relationship, but let me repeat, it has nothing to do with you, this is not a reflection of you and the explanation doesn’t really matter in the long run. Chalk it up to a sucky dating experience, get back out there and, soon enough,your Beshert will come along.

Connecting Online

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I am 52 years old, was married for 22 years and now I am single. I would very much like to have a meaningful, passionate relationship. I just don’t know how to go about connecting with someone online. Whenever I find someone I’m attracted to I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to come off being too forward or too aggressive. I don’t enjoy playing games, I just want to be honest about how I feel. What would you advise me to do when I want to make a connection with someone online? How should I approach the individual? I want to be smart about it. Thanks!

Dear Connecting Online,

Thank you for your very eloquent letter. You could basically post a version of your letter as your “About Me” paragraph which would attract the right type of people. See my example:

I am 52 years, was married for 22 years and now I am single. I would very much like to have a meaningful, passionate relationship. I don’t enjoy playing games; I just want to be honest about how I feel. I don’t want to come off being too forward or too aggressive but I’m not sure how to go about connecting with someone online. (And then add more about yourself: your character traits, hobbies and what you’re looking for in a mate.)

The same goes for any email you send a potential date. Let them know that you are new to JDate and have a hard time ensuring that your real personality comes through online but that you think you would enjoy each other’s company because of x, y, and z reasons. Your email doesn’t have to be too long or too detailed. Keep it short and sweet and you won’t have the chance to come off too forward or too aggressive. Once you meet in person I believe you’ll be more comfortable so try to get off-line and in-person as soon as possible. Good Luck!

Long Distance Lothario

by Tamar Caspi under JBloggers,JDate,Online Dating

Dear Tamar,

I started chatting on JDate with a guy in another country back in March, then via email and now consistently twice a week on skype (with camera).  In between  skyping we email short messages, but nothing is flirty. We talk about the moon, the stars and everything under the sun, but nothing about us. He never says I like you or I am attracted to you and never gets into emotional discussions about ‘us’. I find him emotionally detached. Is he? I really like him. When I have tried to hint a ‘how do you feel’, he says ‘I am interested otherwise I wouldn’t communicate with you’. He has told me he would like to come visit, probably in September.  Where do I actually stand with him?  I really like him.

Dear Long Distance Lothario,

First, let me say September is a long way off. The problem with spending so much time getting to know someone you’ve never met who also happens to live halfway around the world is that you don’t really know who they are or if you will be a match once you do (if ever) meet. Second, the lack of emotional connection could be one of two things. Either he’s just bored and passing time at your expense, or he’s a really great guy and is getting to know you on a deeper level than just talking about sex. As women, we’re not totally used to this, but think about it… why should he talk about a relationship with someone he’s never met?

I don’t think there’s any harm in keeping in touch, but I wouldn’t stop meeting other people on JDate in the meantime. There are a number of reasons for this: it will keep you from putting all your eggs in one basket; it will make the time between now and the visit fly by faster; and if he never visits then you didn’t totally waste your time.

Too Many Connections

by GemsFromJen under JBloggers,JDate,Online Dating

Dear Gems from Jen,

As opposed to the time it takes meeting people in person and deciding if there is something to continue with, I am finding that I am quickly and easily making connections on JDate. Now I’m feeling live I have too many interactions going on at once.

Any recommendations? Would you recommend that I make a few connections, see where those all go, and if needed, start all over again?

Dear Too Many Connections,

Some of us have all the luck! There are many JDaters out there who I’m sure would love to be in your predicament. In all seriousness however, my best suggestion is to go through all of your connections again.  See whom you are truly connecting with. What are you basing these connections on? For example, are these connections based on looks, personality, education level, things the two of you have in common, etc.? Dwindle some of the people down if you are feeling overwhelmed.  I wouldn’t start all over, just perhaps, get more realistic. It sounds like you are having some luck with the early stages of corresponding, so instead of worrying about it have some fun. Enjoy the experience. Dating does not have to be serious all of the time.

Gems from Jen