Hi! Ok, so I’ve been on and off of JDate for a few years now, and I currently find myself in a situation that I have never been faced with before. I met a guy on here and we totally hit it off. We’re in no way even close to being in a committed relationship, but we emailed for months (he was traveling), and had instant chemistry when we first met. He seems like a really genuine guy, and not at all a serial dater (which I’ve turned into, and don’t want to be anymore). Anyway, I can’t help but to sign on every few days and see if he’s signed on! It’s driving me crazy. I can see when he’s viewing me, so he’s not just signing on to do that…so it’s safe to say he’s interested in what’s out there. Any advice for me? I know I should stop checking, but that’s too easy!
Dear JDate Stalker,
Hello and welcome to the club. Anyone who has ever been on JDate has at one point or another turned into a cyber stalker. The first step is admitting it — which you’ve basically done by writing me. Now for the intervention…First of all, and be honest with yourself, can you truthfully say that in all the times you logged on to check if he was logging on that you didn’t also check who was new, who viewed you and who your matches were? Sure you did! It’s a natural impulse! Second, you yourself said that you are nowhere near a committed relationship, so there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be on JDate, right? It obviously sounds like you want to take the relationship to that level, so why not introduce “the talk?” You’ve been communicating for many months already and if he is as you say — not a serial dater — and the chemistry is mutual — then the conversation should go your way. I know it’s easier said than done to just tell you to stop logging on and stop stalking him, so instead I say take the bull by its horns and steer this relationship in the direction you want it to go. Good Luck!
In the past I feel like I always took JDate too seriously. I now have a more laidback approach and find it to be a lot more fun and challenging. I have had a lot of pursuers, but I haven’t found anyone that I am interested in. When I thought I found the “man of my dreams,” he didn’t respond to any of my e-mails! He sent me a Mother’s Day eCard but hasn’t responded to my subsequent emails. On occasion he will view my profile, but no message. What’s up with that? I don’t get it! Why are they there if they show interest and don’t respond? Please explain.
Dear Flattered and Frustrated,
I remember that high you get when you check “who’s viewed me” and see the hot guy you’ve been keeping tabs on. And I remember how quickly that high dissipates when you realize all he’s done once again is view you and not contact you. And then my paid membership ran out and before I renewed I realized the constraints that a free membership places on JDaters®. It sounds like this guy could have a free membership, which means he can’t write emails or read the emails in his inbox and he can’t send instant messages although he can receive and respond to them. He can, though, send eCards, Flirts, Hot List and view you to his heart’s desire. That means if he’s interested in you, he will keep viewing your profile until you contact him in a way that he can respond to. In other words, you’re going to have to cyber stalk him until you are both signed on at the same time so you can send him an IM. And what that means is that you have to put your pride on the line one more time. If the IM doesn’t get you anywhere, then it’s time to cut your losses and move on, because he is obviously not the man you thought he was. Good luck!
There are some guys you discover, date, and even if the technical tryst doesn’t work out, you remain friends. Then there are those male mistakes that repeatedly seep into your life, long after the relationship has met its expiration date. Perpetrators in the form of walking testosterone that are simply in need of your company because of what they still want and never got. While the fan fare is flattering, you’d sooner get a social restraining order than be in their custody. Recently, I was cyber stalked by a blast from the past and the entire ordeal seemed not only unnecessary – but entirely too random. The relationship resurrected was simply an ill-fated and unattainable quest, and being that the boy is in possession of a new girl, it seems the effort to revive our estranged dynamic was completely conniving. Simply a quest to achieve the conquest he was never able to get in the first place. So since pleasantries clearly aren’t working, and you can’t dance around the kick-you-to-the-curb topic for too long, I upped the ante and explained that the unsolicited attention was less than favored. And though sometimes the repeated dismissal of all efforts to communicate is simply a masked manner of playing hard to get, sometimes no simply means no. It’s not me, it’s you.