So much response to “Stalker Tendencies: 5 Things NOT to do with a New Love Interest” made me realize that people don’t think this type of behavior exists. Unfortunately, it does. Sometimes with scary repercussions, other times it’s just benign. But ALL of the items I listed happened. One comment mentioned a boyfriend who actually got a job at the Post Office to find her new address. That is extreme. Kind of like the sneaking-into-his-apartment-and-redecorating stint I mentioned. But Facebook stalking has become the norm. A weird norm, but it happens the vast majority of the time. It’s not just psychos doing it either, nearly everyone I know Google’s their date’s name and search him or her on Facebook. One comment said she found out her significant other was dating another woman — she could have dumped him but instead managed to get him to dump the other woman. Regardless of the outcome, her Facebook-ing allowed her to see the truth. Of course, most people aren’t so dumb as to post pictures of themselves doing something they aren’t supposed to and if it’s out there for the world to see then it’s not necessarily “stalking.” But even if you just know the names of their friends, the last few places they visited and their dog’s name all before a 1st date, then you are officially a stalker. Embrace it, it’s a part of our lives now with the influx of technology. Just don’t take it too far because if you get caught it could ruin what would have otherwise been a very good thing.
What if you’re dating someone and see them on JDate and even updating their profile… what should you do??
Dear JDate and Your New Date,
If you’re dating someone and you see them on JDate, well, that means you’re on JDate too! But I know that’s beside the point. If you see your new date on JDate and you want to take the next step to get more serious then you need to just have that conversation with them. I wouldn’t tell them that you saw that they were recently active on JDate because then you will just be condemning yourself, but say that you have recently pulled your profile in the hopes of this relationship going somewhere. If you’ve seen that the person actually updated their profile then you may be getting a subliminal message. If you don’t want to take the hint, then just ask point blank — at this point you have nothing to lose. But make sure to maintain your composure and class, you don’t want anyone going around telling people that you’re some psycho stalker.
How do you deal with the question, “Why are you still on JDate?” after you’ve been dating for a month? How long after you’re dating someone should you pull your profile?
Dear JDate and Your New Date,
There’s no timetable for when you should pull your profile. You could be dating someone for a month but only have seen them a few times. You could be dating someone for a week but have seen them everyday. You have to pull your JDate profile when you feel ready to make a commitment to your new date. If you’re just on a few dates and are still getting to know each other then there’s no reason to feel the pressure to pull your profile. If you’re getting serious emotionally and physically then you should probably have a conversation with your partner about becoming exclusive. It’s really easy to cyberstalk your new prospect by checking when the last time they logged in to JDate, but try really hard to restrain yourself. By the way, when you are cyberstalking them, you are also logging in! If you really like someone and don’t feel like logging in because you want to give that person your full attention, then don’t — but don’t automatically assume your date is going to do the same thing.
Whenever I check my Facebook News Feed I usually see at least one “Facebook Friend” who has divulged way too much information, typed way inappropriate items and put themselves in an awkward situation. There are the women who announce their pregnancies when they’re only 4 weeks along and the men who badmouth their bosses thinking it will never get back to them. But it’s the singles who overly detail their dates I find the most appalling. I’ve read about more than enough first dates where the person reveals what they did, how they feel and where they think the relationship is going — to their entire world! I’ve seen some people disclose their terrible dates, even going so far as to regale their network with embarrassing accounts of their rejection after sex. I’ve read people telling their world they are ugly, feel ugly, were told they are ugly. I’ve read people tell the world how insecure they are, how they will never be loved and how long it’s been since they’ve had sex. It makes me wish Facebook was never invented sometimes because people forget to filter themselves. Less is more. I don’t need to know where you’re eating, who you’re sleeping with or why you’re still awake in the middle of the night. Keep some things to yourself. The last thing you want is to add your new prospect and have them cyberstalk you and read things that turn them off before they’ve gotten to know you.