under Online Dating
The other day, I checked out some profiles of some real dogs. As in the type that like to kiss you before getting to know you. I’m talking about the many women whose pics feature their adorable pooches.
Since when do dogs need Jdate to get action? Why do you think one dog year equals seven human ones? They’re out there having seven times more fun than we’re having! Okay, I’m having. I can’t just go out and start sniffing around somebody to let them know I’m interested in a dalliance. I have to be subtler. I need to make money.
You don’t see my mug horning in on canine dating sites, do you? They all write the same thing: “I don’t bite.” Real original. What do the dogs who aren’t attracted to the dogs there call them, humans?
Look, I’m a dog lover from way back. I grew up with dogs. I don’t mean to sound bitter. It’s just that… I need some petting too!
under Date Night
I really don’t like the term ‘pet peeve’. That’s a big pet peeve of mine. According to dictionary.com, another term for ‘pet peeve’ is ‘personal bugbear.’ Now that is awesome! Seriously, how did pet peeve win over personal bugbear? I guess it was a personal bugbear of someone when people refer to a pet peeve as a personal bugbear.
Anyway, I don’t have very many personal bugbears, but I do have a few. And one is that I feel very uncomfortable around people whose pets are larger than they are. This is just a smack in the face to the history and evolution of the human race. Humans are the dominant species on this planet. We are smarter, more evolved, and, let’s face it, larger than many other carbon-based life forms that we have trained as our docile pets. Do you know why, for example, that elephants don’t make good pets? It’s because they’re enormous. Baby elephants could eat children if they wanted to. Perhaps some do.
So by the time I finally found her apartment, her giant bulldog greeted me at the door before I could even see her. She had to yell at the dog, make the dog go into the other room, and then close the door to that room before I could shake her hand. Yeah, I feel weird about hugging someone that I meet for the first time because maybe that’s not their thing. So I shook her tiny hand. The date was nice, but for some reason, I couldn’t get the fact that her dog was bigger than she was out of my head. I could not go out with her again. Wait, why am I still single?