Nothing is more awkward than the dreaded friend of the family set-up. As if dating wasn’t irritating enough, now you have various members of the peanut gallery suggesting future flings for you! So what do you do? Appease them, and spend at least an hour of your life wishing you were anywhere but here? I guess that hour beats an entire week of guilt tripping cate of every member of your family. But, to the rebellious jewish princess that more often than not dates everyone she shouldn’t, what exactly do you have to lose? In fact, one of these set ups may surprise you, and you could wind up with, dare I even suggest it, someone your mother would approve of! I know, that in and of itself is not exactly a turn-on, but not having to listen to fifty-five members of your family bitch at you about the sitch is reason enough. So give up an hour and you may be pleasantly surprised. You can always come up with some form of domestic emergency later if things don’t work out- like your cat decided to play in traffic, or the cupcakes you don’t even know how to cook up are burning and now your house is on fire. Just be creative, you don’t want him to know you’re ditching him to head home for a better date with your DVR.
You know those nights? The nights you can’t remember with friends you’ll never forget? And no matter what your vice of choice is to make the seven deadly sins more appealing, you end up trying to erase the little parts of the night you can piece together. Unfortunately for you, in this age of great technology, your brain has adapted to the DVR mentality, and you watch scenes unfold like a bad rerun you can’t erase. All in all, was the sin worth spending the following day in hell? Of course, so long as you indulge in moderation, right? But then again, in California where less is almost never more- moderation is a term that’s almost extinct. So, maintain the modest mentality and indulge every so often. But just remember, if you want to play- you’ll most certainly have to pay.
Every once in a blue moon, I descend my throne in order to grace a guy with the gift of my presence. This usually coincides with hell freezing over and /or when swine have jumped off the pandemic train and into the air. Now you may be asking yourself, why on earth does this occurrence take place so rarely? Ladies, I will enlighten you. Simply stated, I am currently adhering to a new loser-free policy. Now it can be quite tricky to spot these underachievers. For one thing, they often blind you with grandiose hopes and dreams that make the immediate present get lost in the future. He wants to be a rockstar but right now he’s selling tickets at the makeshift box office located in the sardine-style square in front of the Roxy. Does he have potential? Abso-darn-lutely he does! Do you have all day to wait around and watch him realize it? No! You cannot DVR your lives, ladies, and there is no time to pause. Fast forward through the nonsense and get to the good part; meaning a guy who has a job and plays in a band after-school special style.
I’m not going to lie – the first few days of my new loser-free lifestyle were the hardest. I’m pretty sure my breaking point was when I got the urge to ask out every scenester I saw swaggering down the Sunset strip. This, my dears, is why they invented cell phones and the buddy system! You remember it, the guideline that states thou shalt be glued to the girl next to you when venturing out into the wonderful wide world. Well, dial her number and take her hand because the very first step is admitting you have a problem, and someone needs to text you directions so you can Rand-McNally your way out the dating hole you’ve dug for yourself. And before you get too comfortable with your six-foot-under resting place, you’re back to dating in the land of the living, sans the sorry souls you keep falling in there for. He may have been your favorite mistake, but just remember – even if it makes you happy – it can be that bad. So, friends do not let friends fall for losers, and remember to spot the signs of the ones that are not worthy of your time. Time is on your side, so long as you don’t let him waste it.