Dating and Technology Don’t Mix

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Relationships,Single Life

“Relationships can be harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates.” -unknown

Technology has changed dating as we know it. But you don’t have to let it get the best of you and your relationships. Utilize technology to your benefit: meet someone on JDate (online dating), exchange a few messages (email), call to make plans (phone), and send a quick message when you’re running a few minutes late (text), and do a quick search to make sure your date is who they say they are (social media). Do not use any of those paths to hold a deep and personal conversation or get into an argument or to be passive aggressive about how you’re feeling at any given time. Face-to-face interaction is always best.

Too much can get lost in translation when you’re using technology, and frankly, it also shows a lack of effort. If you like someone and see a future with them (or if you care about someone enough to show them some respect), then put down the phone, close the laptop, turn off bluetooth, and plug in to some one-on-one time without any distraction.

 


Email Etiquette: Jumping the Gun

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

It’s easy to get excited once you start emailing with someone on JDate. You feel as though you’ve already jumped through so many hoops and passed so many tests (think of all the possible prospects out there that you DON’T end up emailing with and you’ll get what I mean). The problem with this excitement is that you don’t actually know the other person, and that anticipation builds with each email, and so do your expectations.

When you don’t get an email response within what you consider a timely manner, don’t freak out! Your match could have a deadline at work, or be tending to a sick family member, or helping a friend with an emergency. And if you catch your correspondent on JDate’s Instant Messenger and they don’t respond, don’t automatically consider it a rejection; you don’t know if they forgot to log out and aren’t even at their computer, or if they don’t have the time to properly respond so they don’t want to engage in conversation. Just send a message saying you’re sorry you missed them on IM and that you hope to catch up soon. Then wait for a reply with an explanation as to why they didn’t IM back. This is why I suggest using JDate’s email to make plans and then meet as soon as possible so there isn’t anything lost in translation.


Delayed Responses

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

You contact someone on JDate and after not hearing back for a few days, you forget about the potential match and move on… just to get an email three weeks later apologizing for the delay. Do you accept the apology and respond?

Here’s my take: Short answer — yes. Long answer — absolutely!

JDaters meet each other and want to see where a successful first or second date could lead… so they stop actively checking JDate until they know where it’s heading. Why should you eliminate a prospect for giving a relationship a chance? Or, the person allowed their JDate membership to expire and then checked their account just to see your smiling face looking at them from the screen with the message icon blinking next to it. And so they re-up their membership and contact you. Again, why should you eliminate a prospect for not knowing you contacted them? You shouldn’t.

Give everyone a chance. What do you have a lose? A couple of hours and a couple of bucks grabbing a coffee, a beer or some appetizers? Totally worth it! Reply now and let bygones by bygones.


Email Expiration Date

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

How long is too long to wait before responding to a JDate email? Ideally you would respond within 48 hours — the same amount of time that is acceptable when you’ve received digits from someone who you met at a bar or elsewhere. If there’s a reason that you can’t get in touch earlier, then apologize for the delay and make sure you sweeten the pot by responding with a charming email.

It happens sometimes. Perhaps they were considering another JDater and wanted to give him or her a chance, and thus ignored their inbox until they were available. This is the usual reason why people don’t respond right away and it’s perfectly acceptable. That said, don’t actually ask whether that’s the reason; simply respond that it’s okay, ask your match how they are doing, and then let the conversation go from there. If that response takes a lengthy amount of time again, then you may simply be communicating with a flake or a player. If they reply right away, however, and it’s an engaging email, then let the delay go and move forward.

Timing is everything with dating. Are you going to give up on someone because of a few weeks?


Love at First JDate: Skip the Chatter

by JenG under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating

I received a message this week from a guy that got straight to the point. Instead of engaging in the get-to-know-you chatter, he directly asked me to meet him out for a drink. While it’s always great to move things along quick with online dating, it was a bit too forward. I wanted to get to know him more, see if we did indeed have anything in common — anything worth spending a few hours in person fleshing out the details.

  • Do: Make it a point to chat before you set up a date. It’s important to know something about the person you’re going to meet in person. It’s risky to go out with anyone without even knowing their basic details if they ask you out in the very first message they send. Thank them for their offer, but ask politely to get to know them first.
  • Don’t: Go meet them in person until you feel comfortable. If they ask you out in the very first message and you don’t feel like it’s right, or you’re questioning if you two would actually get along in person, say no. Ask for more information. Trust your gut and your instincts if they seem overly persistent or something seems wrong. When it comes to dating, the cardinal rule is to do what feels correct.

Follow Jen on Twitter: @tthingsilearned


Extreme Profile Makeover — “David S.” (Part 2)

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Hi Tamar,

I’ve been on and off JDate for a while; I’ve never had much success in attracting positive responses, either from women contacting me or responding to my emails. I’ve always had my theories as to why, but if it’s really what I’m saying in my profile, or my pictures, I need a little advice.

Thanks!

____________________________________________________________________

Hi David S.,

In Part 1 of this series, we analyzed your JDate profile, which I thought was pretty good!  Now we will delve into your email correspondence to figure out where things may be going astray in your efforts to find your Beshert.

You previously sent me a version of the following back-and-forth email with a JDate prospect which led nowhere (some specifics were deleted by me either for privacy or brevity):

 

Email #1

Hi there,

Can I just tell you that you have seriously beautiful eyes? Wow.

How are you? …. A snow day is a good opportunity to catch up on those cheesy TV shows. What sort of cheese are you into?So as I mentioned in my profile, I think sense of humor can be a great indicator of compatibility, and it sounds like we both have a similar, sarcastic, witty thing happening. It’s a start, right? :)

 
Email #2

Hi Dave,

Thanks for writing… Are you sticking around [town] or heading somewhere warm?I’ll be around… catching up on those cheesy shows. I watch… How about you?Talk to you soon.

 
Email #3

…I wish I were going some place warm!…   But I’m sticking around too. What is your reality TV of choice? What are you excited to do most over the holidays?

Talk soon.

 

 

Tamar’s Synopsis

Your first email to the prospect was great. You started off with a compliment, and then moved on to a commonality, which said a bit about yourself as well and asked a question. She responded by continuing the commonality conversation and answering your question and then asking you a few questions in return, which shows that she read your email and is interested in learning more about you. Here’s the problem: your final email didn’t answer both her questions. You answered the first about not leaving town due to the cold, but you didn’t tell her what cheesy shows you were watching. You did ask a follow-up question (which was good), but rather than continue the conversation via email you should have asked her out. Email #3 should have gone more like this:

“…I wish I were going some place warm! … But I’m sticking around too. Since we are both going to be in town, I’d love to take you out. Since we are talking about cheesy TV shows, how about the cool new fondue place uptown? Let me know, we can either firm up the plans via email or send me your number if you feel comfortable doing so and I’ll call you to figure out when we’re both free next week.”

Do you see the difference? Your email was more of a pen-pal discussion. You were having first date conversation via JDate email rather than being confident and aggressive and getting that date on the calendar. She showed interest in her response to you — so take that momentum and act on it!


An Email No-No

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

A JDater just sent me an email she received to show what she is having to deal with. It wasn’t that she wanted to know how to reply but she wanted me to see what kinds of emails are being sent and how people were presenting themselves.

The email was long. Really, really long. The writer offered his full name and gave his intended permission to Google him. He went on and on about how much he liked her profile, which is nice, but it was over the top. He explained their commonalities, also nice, but again he took it too far. Rather than explain some of what he liked about her and some of what they had in common and then leaving the rest for her to be curious about and for them to explore together, he came off as increasingly desperate the more the email rambled on. He CAPS LOCKED some words and offered other sources for her to investigate him online.

Granted, she could know that he was legit and could be very flattering to someone who does appreciate that amount of effort and attention, but odds are it will be incredibly off-putting to most people. Edit yourself and if you aren’t sure if you need to then have a loved one do it for you.


Dumbfounded Dater

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Hi Tamar,

I am an attractive, divorced woman and I get a lot of emails on JDate. I only answer the guys that I am interested in, but what drives me crazy is that when I answer them, they don’t answer me back! Why would they email me to begin with?! It just doesn’t make sense to me! Do you have any idea why?

-Dumbfounded Dater

______________________________________________________________________________________

Hi Dumbfounded Dater,

Ahhhh the mysteries of dating. There’s never a good explanation nor is there ever one single answer as each person has their reason for not responding, just as you most likely don’t respond to the guys whom you are not interested in (and those men are left wondering why).

The reasons I’ve heard are quite varied: they heard back from someone else before you and started dating, they didn’t like your response, they had emailed all the women who fit their preferences and only narrowed it down after receiving responses, they decided to take a break from JDate, and finally, the kicker — they’re just not that into you. I know that last one sucks because you’re getting so many emails with no results. The only comfort I can give you is that everyone has the same experience at some point. You are not alone. Whether you meet guys at a bar, through friends or on JDate they will ask for your number and not call or call once and then not call again or will text (ick) and then not follow-up. All singles have gone through this.

My suggestion would be this: email me some of your messages with your responses so I can decipher if the guys weren’t being genuine in their initial emails or if your responses were turning them off for some reason. Provide me with your profile name as well and I can take a look at your profile and photos and give you my feedback.

-Tamar


Responding to that 1st Email

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Now that you’ve received a perfectly crafted email from someone who read “Tips for Writing that 1st Email” it’s time to craft your response. If you’re not interested, then you can choose whether to ignore the email or, better, to respond respectfully. This can be a copy/paste since you’re only replying for good manners sake… and karma. Simply say “Thank you so much for your interest, I’m very flattered. Though I don’t think we’re a match, I wish you the best in finding your Beshert.”

(If you’re on the receiving end of a rejection letter, just delete and move on. At least you have closure. Don’t dwell on why they don’t think you’re a match. It doesn’t matter.)

If you are interested then… yay! You’re that much closer to finding your Beshert! View the prospect’s profile and respond within 48 hours. Don’t reply too quickly or it will seem overeager and desperate. Somewhere between 24-36 hours is perfect. Thank the person for their email, respond specifically to their compliments and commonalities by pointing out something you noticed both about their physical appearance and their profile and then answer the question they asked. Finally, ask a question of your own in order to keep the conversation going.

Here’s an example of what “PrettyJew4U” could respond to Jacob:

Hi Jacob!

Thanks for your sweet email and for noticing my smile =) I was taken by your eyes because they’re an unusual color but I also liked how they expressed joy in the pictures with your nieces.

I’ve only been to JiRaffe a few times but it’s one of my favorites places! I live in Brentwood, so probably not too far from you. Have you been to Sugarfish? It’s only a few blocks from my place. There’s also a hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant nearby that’s the best in LA, it’s called Divino, have you been there? I can’t go to the Foodie event this weekend unfortunately, but I’ve always wanted to go! Do you know of any other events coming up?

Hope to hear from you soon,

Marissa


Tips for Writing that 1st Email

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

The 1st email you send once you see someone you like on JDate is quite daunting. How do you start the email? How do you end it? How much do you say about yourself? How much do you say about the other person? How do you stand apart from the rest?

Tip #1 Draft your email in a word document first

Not everyone is a natural-born writer. It’s not always easy to string together a few coherent sentences, especially when you’re both talking about yourself and flattering the other person. By drafting your email in a word doc first you will catch typos and be able to read back over and over until you feel comfortable. Additionally, if you like your opening and closing sentences then you can save each email with the name of the person you sent it to and revise the middle sentences accordingly.

Tip #2 Mention a couple unique items about the prospect

Prove to the person that you read their profile by commenting on one thing specific about their physical features which caught your eye (their “sparkling green eyes”) for example and one specific item from their “About Me” which made you interested enough to send an email. You do not need to make a laundry list of things you have in common. Not only will the prospect look at your profile and see those commonalities, but there’s a reason JDate matched you — there’s an algorithm involved.

Tip #3 Ask a question to illicit a response

Saying you find the person attractive and smart doesn’t give the prospect a reason to respond. Asking if he or she has ever been to ______________ (somewhere you would probably have in common) or if he or she has seen _______________ (a common favorite band you both like) live gives the person a reason to click “reply.”

Tip #4 Keep it short and sweet

More is not always better. You don’t want to come off as overeager because you wrote a dissertation-length email but you don’t want to come off as a lazy copy-and-paster who clearly writes each person the same email. About 5 lines is good.

Tip #5

Once you have a reply, then you yourself need to send a 2nd email within 48 hours. This time, ask your prospect if he or she wants to meet for a meal/drink/activity and then either include your phone number or ask for theirs. If you get their number then call to make the plans within 48 hours.

Tip #6 Move on.

If you don’t receive a response to your 1st email then let it go. The person may not have a paid JDate account and therefore can’t access their inbox or they aren’t interested. Move on. If you don’t receive a response to your 2nd email within 4 days, then follow up with 1 more email mentioning something fun that is going on within the next week and asking if he or she would like to join you. Then don’t contact them again. Take the hint and move on.

Sample letter:

Hi PrettyJew4U,

My name is Jacob and I also live in Santa Monica. Your profile caught my eye because your bright smile brought a smile to my face when I saw your photo. Then once I started reading your profile I realized how much we have common! JiRaffe is one of my favorite restaurants too — surprised we’ve never bumped into each other there. Are you going to the LA Foodie event this weekend?

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Jacob