Reader Email: Response Required!

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Success Stories

Reader email regarding March’s post “Help Me Write Emails Please!”

Tamar:

Your advice is good. However, no matter how uninspiring the email, courtesy and regard for another’s feelings REQUIRE a response. Just because this is the anonymity of the internet does not excuse rude behavior. When someone writes, they are paying you a compliment. They are saying, “I think you are attractive.” If someone said that to you at a social gathering, you would not ignore them. Don’t do it on the internet. A simple, “Thank you, but no, thank you…” (not, of course in those words), would suffice. This goes for both men and women.

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Dear Reader:

I totally agree. If you receive an email from a prospect you’re not interested in, it is good karma to reply and thank them for their interest but let them know you don’t think it would be a match, and then wish them luck. Do not give a reason why it won’t be a match, this is not the time to hurt someone’s feelings.

It’s definitely an awkward email to write but it is one that is worthwhile. If you were the one sending the initial email, then you would be appreciative of a response — even if it is a rejection because otherwise you will be left wondering, checking to see if they’ve logged on recently and if they’ve read the email yet, and why they aren’t responding. And when you receive those emails, don’t get mad or take it personally because that’s not the response you would want the other party to have when you send your “rejection” emails.

You might be making a mistake by rejecting a prospect, and a prospect might be making a mistake by rejecting you, but that’s just one of the unfortunate parts of the dating game. It’s actually easier to accept it, move on, and put your efforts into pursuing or being pursued by someone with mutual interest.


Email Etiquette — Giving a Compliment

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Hi Tamar,

Is it okay to tell women that you think they are pretty or attractive? It seems women don’t care about compliments any longer. If a guy is honest and would like to compliment a woman, she doesn’t even say thank you, instead it’s ignored. Am I too old school?

-Compliment Quandary

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Hi Compliment Quandary,

Yes, you should give a compliment if you feel like it. Sharing something positive about someone is never a bad thing… and if that makes you old school then that’s a good thing! Make a mental note if the woman didn’t show gratitude, but don’t necessarily count her out.

It’s tough to have continuity in an email conversation when you are stopping to say thank you for a specific compliment, answering the question you should be including, and then trying to add to the conversation. Sometimes people show gratitude for compliments by returning one of their own, so look out for that because it’s more than acceptable.

Some people don’t know how to accept compliments and that doesn’t make them a bad person, but eventually you may need to say, “You’re beautiful; please believe me, accept the compliment and say thank you or I’m going to have to keep telling you you’re beautiful.”


Email Etiquette — How Do I Start a Conversation?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Hi Tamar,

I have no idea how to start a conversation with someone I’m interested in. What should I say that’s not too much… but just enough.

Thank you,

Lost in Conversation

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Hi Lost in Conversation,

Great question! Interestingly, when both people are already intrigued by the other’s profile, it really doesn’t matter how you start the email as long as you take the time to send one. That said, here is an example that you can play around with and personalize:

Hi there,

I was attracted to your profile by your photos, but I was really impressed by what you wrote, especially _____________. We have a lot in common (which you can see by reading my profile) and I’m always excited to meet people who also love ________________. Have you ever ________________?

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Sam


Dear Tamar: Help Me Write Emails Please!

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating

Dear Tamar,

I read all the tips on how to send that first email to ladies. I also emailed more than a dozen ladies on JDate and not one of them responded. I think the fact that I am shy and inexperienced may have something to do with it, but I’m not sure. Here is the email that I sent to the ladies on JDate:

JDate.com probably thinks our profiles matched so I’m sending you this email. It is cool. If you are interested in continuing this research, please write me back when you have a chance.
Best Wishes,
xxx

Do you have any advice for me as to how I can change this email? Or maybe something I can put in this email so that when I email the ladies on the website they will respond to me? Please let me know. Have a good day and I look forward to speaking/hearing from you soon.

Best Wishes,
xxx

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Dear Inexperienced Emailer:

You weren’t kidding when you said you were inexperienced! Your email is awkward, stiff, and, well, awkward. Emails to prospective dates should not be so formal, or appear to be copy/pasted, or appear to be written by Google translate for that matter.

Since you are writing to a prospect on JDate they know that something attracted you to them — so what was it aside from being told you’re a match? You shouldn’t be writing every single prospect an email, only the ones who fit the majority of your preferences and whom you’re attracted to. That said, you should write what it is that you’re attracted to that made the prospect worthy of your time and effort to write the email.

End the short email with a question that addresses something in their profile and shows that you want to get to know them better. You need to prove that you actually looked at their profile by writing both with a compliment and a question, being conversational and casual, and adding in a somewhat flirt tone as well.

Good luck!


Dating and Technology Don’t Mix

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Relationships,Single Life

“Relationships can be harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates.” -unknown

Technology has changed dating as we know it. But you don’t have to let it get the best of you and your relationships. Utilize technology to your benefit: meet someone on JDate (online dating), exchange a few messages (email), call to make plans (phone), and send a quick message when you’re running a few minutes late (text), and do a quick search to make sure your date is who they say they are (social media). Do not use any of those paths to hold a deep and personal conversation or get into an argument or to be passive aggressive about how you’re feeling at any given time. Face-to-face interaction is always best.

Too much can get lost in translation when you’re using technology, and frankly, it also shows a lack of effort. If you like someone and see a future with them (or if you care about someone enough to show them some respect), then put down the phone, close the laptop, turn off bluetooth, and plug in to some one-on-one time without any distraction.

 


Email Etiquette: Jumping the Gun

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

It’s easy to get excited once you start emailing with someone on JDate. You feel as though you’ve already jumped through so many hoops and passed so many tests (think of all the possible prospects out there that you DON’T end up emailing with and you’ll get what I mean). The problem with this excitement is that you don’t actually know the other person, and that anticipation builds with each email, and so do your expectations.

When you don’t get an email response within what you consider a timely manner, don’t freak out! Your match could have a deadline at work, or be tending to a sick family member, or helping a friend with an emergency. And if you catch your correspondent on JDate’s Instant Messenger and they don’t respond, don’t automatically consider it a rejection; you don’t know if they forgot to log out and aren’t even at their computer, or if they don’t have the time to properly respond so they don’t want to engage in conversation. Just send a message saying you’re sorry you missed them on IM and that you hope to catch up soon. Then wait for a reply with an explanation as to why they didn’t IM back. This is why I suggest using JDate’s email to make plans and then meet as soon as possible so there isn’t anything lost in translation.


Delayed Responses

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

You contact someone on JDate and after not hearing back for a few days, you forget about the potential match and move on… just to get an email three weeks later apologizing for the delay. Do you accept the apology and respond?

Here’s my take: Short answer — yes. Long answer — absolutely!

JDaters meet each other and want to see where a successful first or second date could lead… so they stop actively checking JDate until they know where it’s heading. Why should you eliminate a prospect for giving a relationship a chance? Or, the person allowed their JDate membership to expire and then checked their account just to see your smiling face looking at them from the screen with the message icon blinking next to it. And so they re-up their membership and contact you. Again, why should you eliminate a prospect for not knowing you contacted them? You shouldn’t.

Give everyone a chance. What do you have a lose? A couple of hours and a couple of bucks grabbing a coffee, a beer or some appetizers? Totally worth it! Reply now and let bygones by bygones.


Email Expiration Date

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

How long is too long to wait before responding to a JDate email? Ideally you would respond within 48 hours — the same amount of time that is acceptable when you’ve received digits from someone who you met at a bar or elsewhere. If there’s a reason that you can’t get in touch earlier, then apologize for the delay and make sure you sweeten the pot by responding with a charming email.

It happens sometimes. Perhaps they were considering another JDater and wanted to give him or her a chance, and thus ignored their inbox until they were available. This is the usual reason why people don’t respond right away and it’s perfectly acceptable. That said, don’t actually ask whether that’s the reason; simply respond that it’s okay, ask your match how they are doing, and then let the conversation go from there. If that response takes a lengthy amount of time again, then you may simply be communicating with a flake or a player. If they reply right away, however, and it’s an engaging email, then let the delay go and move forward.

Timing is everything with dating. Are you going to give up on someone because of a few weeks?


Love at First JDate: Skip the Chatter

by JenG under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating

I received a message this week from a guy that got straight to the point. Instead of engaging in the get-to-know-you chatter, he directly asked me to meet him out for a drink. While it’s always great to move things along quick with online dating, it was a bit too forward. I wanted to get to know him more, see if we did indeed have anything in common — anything worth spending a few hours in person fleshing out the details.

  • Do: Make it a point to chat before you set up a date. It’s important to know something about the person you’re going to meet in person. It’s risky to go out with anyone without even knowing their basic details if they ask you out in the very first message they send. Thank them for their offer, but ask politely to get to know them first.
  • Don’t: Go meet them in person until you feel comfortable. If they ask you out in the very first message and you don’t feel like it’s right, or you’re questioning if you two would actually get along in person, say no. Ask for more information. Trust your gut and your instincts if they seem overly persistent or something seems wrong. When it comes to dating, the cardinal rule is to do what feels correct.

Follow Jen on Twitter: @tthingsilearned


Extreme Profile Makeover — “David S.” (Part 2)

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Monday Makeover,Online Dating,Single Life

Hi Tamar,

I’ve been on and off JDate for a while; I’ve never had much success in attracting positive responses, either from women contacting me or responding to my emails. I’ve always had my theories as to why, but if it’s really what I’m saying in my profile, or my pictures, I need a little advice.

Thanks!

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Hi David S.,

In Part 1 of this series, we analyzed your JDate profile, which I thought was pretty good!  Now we will delve into your email correspondence to figure out where things may be going astray in your efforts to find your Beshert.

You previously sent me a version of the following back-and-forth email with a JDate prospect which led nowhere (some specifics were deleted by me either for privacy or brevity):

 

Email #1

Hi there,

Can I just tell you that you have seriously beautiful eyes? Wow.

How are you? …. A snow day is a good opportunity to catch up on those cheesy TV shows. What sort of cheese are you into?So as I mentioned in my profile, I think sense of humor can be a great indicator of compatibility, and it sounds like we both have a similar, sarcastic, witty thing happening. It’s a start, right? :)

 
Email #2

Hi Dave,

Thanks for writing… Are you sticking around [town] or heading somewhere warm?I’ll be around… catching up on those cheesy shows. I watch… How about you?Talk to you soon.

 
Email #3

…I wish I were going some place warm!…   But I’m sticking around too. What is your reality TV of choice? What are you excited to do most over the holidays?

Talk soon.

 

 

Tamar’s Synopsis

Your first email to the prospect was great. You started off with a compliment, and then moved on to a commonality, which said a bit about yourself as well and asked a question. She responded by continuing the commonality conversation and answering your question and then asking you a few questions in return, which shows that she read your email and is interested in learning more about you. Here’s the problem: your final email didn’t answer both her questions. You answered the first about not leaving town due to the cold, but you didn’t tell her what cheesy shows you were watching. You did ask a follow-up question (which was good), but rather than continue the conversation via email you should have asked her out. Email #3 should have gone more like this:

“…I wish I were going some place warm! … But I’m sticking around too. Since we are both going to be in town, I’d love to take you out. Since we are talking about cheesy TV shows, how about the cool new fondue place uptown? Let me know, we can either firm up the plans via email or send me your number if you feel comfortable doing so and I’ll call you to figure out when we’re both free next week.”

Do you see the difference? Your email was more of a pen-pal discussion. You were having first date conversation via JDate email rather than being confident and aggressive and getting that date on the calendar. She showed interest in her response to you — so take that momentum and act on it!