An Email No-No

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

A JDater just sent me an email she received to show what she is having to deal with. It wasn’t that she wanted to know how to reply but she wanted me to see what kinds of emails are being sent and how people were presenting themselves.

The email was long. Really, really long. The writer offered his full name and gave his intended permission to Google him. He went on and on about how much he liked her profile, which is nice, but it was over the top. He explained their commonalities, also nice, but again he took it too far. Rather than explain some of what he liked about her and some of what they had in common and then leaving the rest for her to be curious about and for them to explore together, he came off as increasingly desperate the more the email rambled on. He CAPS LOCKED some words and offered other sources for her to investigate him online.

Granted, she could know that he was legit and could be very flattering to someone who does appreciate that amount of effort and attention, but odds are it will be incredibly off-putting to most people. Edit yourself and if you aren’t sure if you need to then have a loved one do it for you.


Dumbfounded Dater

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Hi Tamar,

I am an attractive, divorced woman and I get a lot of emails on JDate. I only answer the guys that I am interested in, but what drives me crazy is that when I answer them, they don’t answer me back! Why would they email me to begin with?! It just doesn’t make sense to me! Do you have any idea why?

-Dumbfounded Dater

______________________________________________________________________________________

Hi Dumbfounded Dater,

Ahhhh the mysteries of dating. There’s never a good explanation nor is there ever one single answer as each person has their reason for not responding, just as you most likely don’t respond to the guys whom you are not interested in (and those men are left wondering why).

The reasons I’ve heard are quite varied: they heard back from someone else before you and started dating, they didn’t like your response, they had emailed all the women who fit their preferences and only narrowed it down after receiving responses, they decided to take a break from JDate, and finally, the kicker — they’re just not that into you. I know that last one sucks because you’re getting so many emails with no results. The only comfort I can give you is that everyone has the same experience at some point. You are not alone. Whether you meet guys at a bar, through friends or on JDate they will ask for your number and not call or call once and then not call again or will text (ick) and then not follow-up. All singles have gone through this.

My suggestion would be this: email me some of your messages with your responses so I can decipher if the guys weren’t being genuine in their initial emails or if your responses were turning them off for some reason. Provide me with your profile name as well and I can take a look at your profile and photos and give you my feedback.

-Tamar


Responding to that 1st Email

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Now that you’ve received a perfectly crafted email from someone who read “Tips for Writing that 1st Email” it’s time to craft your response. If you’re not interested, then you can choose whether to ignore the email or, better, to respond respectfully. This can be a copy/paste since you’re only replying for good manners sake… and karma. Simply say “Thank you so much for your interest, I’m very flattered. Though I don’t think we’re a match, I wish you the best in finding your Beshert.”

(If you’re on the receiving end of a rejection letter, just delete and move on. At least you have closure. Don’t dwell on why they don’t think you’re a match. It doesn’t matter.)

If you are interested then… yay! You’re that much closer to finding your Beshert! View the prospect’s profile and respond within 48 hours. Don’t reply too quickly or it will seem overeager and desperate. Somewhere between 24-36 hours is perfect. Thank the person for their email, respond specifically to their compliments and commonalities by pointing out something you noticed both about their physical appearance and their profile and then answer the question they asked. Finally, ask a question of your own in order to keep the conversation going.

Here’s an example of what “PrettyJew4U” could respond to Jacob:

Hi Jacob!

Thanks for your sweet email and for noticing my smile =) I was taken by your eyes because they’re an unusual color but I also liked how they expressed joy in the pictures with your nieces.

I’ve only been to JiRaffe a few times but it’s one of my favorites places! I live in Brentwood, so probably not too far from you. Have you been to Sugarfish? It’s only a few blocks from my place. There’s also a hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant nearby that’s the best in LA, it’s called Divino, have you been there? I can’t go to the Foodie event this weekend unfortunately, but I’ve always wanted to go! Do you know of any other events coming up?

Hope to hear from you soon,

Marissa


Tips for Writing that 1st Email

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

The 1st email you send once you see someone you like on JDate is quite daunting. How do you start the email? How do you end it? How much do you say about yourself? How much do you say about the other person? How do you stand apart from the rest?

Tip #1 Draft your email in a word document first

Not everyone is a natural-born writer. It’s not always easy to string together a few coherent sentences, especially when you’re both talking about yourself and flattering the other person. By drafting your email in a word doc first you will catch typos and be able to read back over and over until you feel comfortable. Additionally, if you like your opening and closing sentences then you can save each email with the name of the person you sent it to and revise the middle sentences accordingly.

Tip #2 Mention a couple unique items about the prospect

Prove to the person that you read their profile by commenting on one thing specific about their physical features which caught your eye (their “sparkling green eyes”) for example and one specific item from their “About Me” which made you interested enough to send an email. You do not need to make a laundry list of things you have in common. Not only will the prospect look at your profile and see those commonalities, but there’s a reason JDate matched you — there’s an algorithm involved.

Tip #3 Ask a question to illicit a response

Saying you find the person attractive and smart doesn’t give the prospect a reason to respond. Asking if he or she has ever been to ______________ (somewhere you would probably have in common) or if he or she has seen _______________ (a common favorite band you both like) live gives the person a reason to click “reply.”

Tip #4 Keep it short and sweet

More is not always better. You don’t want to come off as overeager because you wrote a dissertation-length email but you don’t want to come off as a lazy copy-and-paster who clearly writes each person the same email. About 5 lines is good.

Tip #5

Once you have a reply, then you yourself need to send a 2nd email within 48 hours. This time, ask your prospect if he or she wants to meet for a meal/drink/activity and then either include your phone number or ask for theirs. If you get their number then call to make the plans within 48 hours.

Tip #6 Move on.

If you don’t receive a response to your 1st email then let it go. The person may not have a paid JDate account and therefore can’t access their inbox or they aren’t interested. Move on. If you don’t receive a response to your 2nd email within 4 days, then follow up with 1 more email mentioning something fun that is going on within the next week and asking if he or she would like to join you. Then don’t contact them again. Take the hint and move on.

Sample letter:

Hi PrettyJew4U,

My name is Jacob and I also live in Santa Monica. Your profile caught my eye because your bright smile brought a smile to my face when I saw your photo. Then once I started reading your profile I realized how much we have common! JiRaffe is one of my favorite restaurants too — surprised we’ve never bumped into each other there. Are you going to the LA Foodie event this weekend?

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Jacob


What to Ask in an Email?

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I feel when I email someone for the 1st time, it’s always a lame question. What should I be asking and how many questions should I ask?

Thank you,
What to Ask in an Email

 

Dear What to Ask in an Email,

Start off an email by telling the prospect what it was about them that attracted you, what made them stand out and what compelled you to write them. Mention a few similarities. You don’t need to ask any question, except for: would you be interested in getting together? There’s no need to start exchanging pleasantries via email because you already know so much about each other from your JDate profiles and you need to leave whatever is left of the typical first date chat for the first date.


Email Mystery

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

One of my single friends forwarded me the funniest email she received from a JDate. It said (identifying details have been removed): “Hi, my name is xxxxx. I live in xxxx and am a lawyer. In my free time I like to watch and play sports. I just signed up for JDate last week.” Yup, that was it. It was all about him but nothing new that she couldn’t have learned from looking at his profile. There was nothing about her and why he wanted to start up a conversation with her and there were no questions for her to answer to create a tete a tete. So what was his point in writing her?  Why bother? I’ll give him some benefit of the doubt since he’s new to JDate, but if you’re going to write an email make it worth it. Tell your prospect WHY you choose him or her to write to and ASK more about him or her.


To Answer Or Not To Answer?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I want to know definitively and once and for all, should I answer messages if I’m not interested? I get so many different answers from people. My gut tells me yes, it’s only kind and decent. What do I say when I’m not interested but don’t want to hurt feelings?

Dear To Answer Or Not To Answer,

You’re right, it is only kind and decent and you should answer. You don’t absolutely have to, but you should because it’s the Golden Rule or Karma or whatever you want to call it — what goes around comes around and you don’t want to be the one left hanging after you took the chance of writing someone.

As to what you should say, well, try starting with something along these lines: “I’m flattered but…” or “Thanks so much but…” or “I appreciate your interest but…” and then end with something along these lines: “I just met someone” or “I just started dating someone” or “I’m looking for someone/something different” and then say “thank you again though and good luck.” Be nothing but compassionate, polite and respectful.


Prescription for Love

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I am a doctor and I met another doctor on JDate. She gave me her contact information but her email bounced back and so I texted and teased her about it. She apologized for the typo and gave me the correction. Still, should I be concerned??

Dear Prescription for Love,

Give the gal another chance, it could have been an honest mistake. You know how you doctors are with your totally illegible handwriting! I can’t tell you how many times I type my own name wrong when I’m texting on my phone. There are plenty of valid excuses that are acceptable. Now, if her phone number was wrong, that would be another issue, but you texted her and she answered so it sounds like her typo and apology was legit. Ask her out and have fun, don’t harp on the mistake or you might ruin something really great!


Hello, My Name is…

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

What would you say is the correct opening to a conversation?

Dear Hello, My Name is…,

Start with “Hello, my name is (your name)” or some variation of the sort (Hi, Hey, etc.). It’s safe and polite and there’s no better time to introduce yourself. Or take a risk and just start with “I think you’re beautiful/hot/sexy/handsome.”  Just make sure you follow up with some evidence that you read the person’s profile so you don’t even give the person the chance to think that you start all your emails that way.

Avoid the cheesiness like: “I think I’m already in love with you” or “Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.” Those are cute, but wait until you already know someone and their sense of humor before you start teasing them.


Major Conundrum

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Major conundrum – I’m 41, not yet married, still would like to have a family but the odds are not looking good. I’ve received 4 emails in 5 months. I email women, they don’t have the courtesy to even respond with a thank you or no thank you. Then you’re left to wonder if they are a member and can read the emails or not. Some women aren’t even posting photos! Any insight?

Dear Major Conundrum,

Keep sending out emails and don’t let the ones who don’t respond (or don’t post photos) get to you. It’s not personal. Only worry about what you can control such as: what are you saying in your emails? How long or short are they? Are you commenting and asking about the women or just talking about yourself? How does your profile come across? Are the photos up to date and flattering? Does your About Me say that you’re “41, not married but still holding out hope that you’ll have a family” or does it say “I’m losing hope that I’ll never have a family since I’m 41 and still single”? Don’t let your frustration come across in your profile. Are your preferences broad and realistic?

As for not hearing back from women you’re emailed, it’s not nice and I’ve written about it before. People should at least write back “thanks but no thanks” if they are paid members and can read their email. But most don’t. Why? Because it’s awkward rejecting someone. So just shake it off and move forward. JDate has the numbers in your favor, so keep emailing because the more emails you send the more replies you’ll receive.