I want to know definitively and once and for all, should I answer messages if I’m not interested? I get so many different answers from people. My gut tells me yes, it’s only kind and decent. What do I say when I’m not interested but don’t want to hurt feelings?
Dear To Answer Or Not To Answer,
You’re right, it is only kind and decent and you should answer. You don’t absolutely have to, but you should because it’s the Golden Rule or Karma or whatever you want to call it — what goes around comes around and you don’t want to be the one left hanging after you took the chance of writing someone.
As to what you should say, well, try starting with something along these lines: “I’m flattered but…” or “Thanks so much but…” or “I appreciate your interest but…” and then end with something along these lines: “I just met someone” or “I just started dating someone” or “I’m looking for someone/something different” and then say “thank you again though and good luck.” Be nothing but compassionate, polite and respectful.
I am a doctor and I met another doctor on JDate. She gave me her contact information but her email bounced back and so I texted and teased her about it. She apologized for the typo and gave me the correction. Still, should I be concerned??
Dear Prescription for Love,
Give the gal another chance, it could have been an honest mistake. You know how you doctors are with your totally illegible handwriting! I can’t tell you how many times I type my own name wrong when I’m texting on my phone. There are plenty of valid excuses that are acceptable. Now, if her phone number was wrong, that would be another issue, but you texted her and she answered so it sounds like her typo and apology was legit. Ask her out and have fun, don’t harp on the mistake or you might ruin something really great!
What would you say is the correct opening to a conversation?
Dear Hello, My Name is…,
Start with “Hello, my name is (your name)” or some variation of the sort (Hi, Hey, etc.). It’s safe and polite and there’s no better time to introduce yourself. Or take a risk and just start with “I think you’re beautiful/hot/sexy/handsome.” Just make sure you follow up with some evidence that you read the person’s profile so you don’t even give the person the chance to think that you start all your emails that way.
Avoid the cheesiness like: “I think I’m already in love with you” or “Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.” Those are cute, but wait until you already know someone and their sense of humor before you start teasing them.
Major conundrum – I’m 41, not yet married, still would like to have a family but the odds are not looking good. I’ve received 4 emails in 5 months. I email women, they don’t have the courtesy to even respond with a thank you or no thank you. Then you’re left to wonder if they are a member and can read the emails or not. Some women aren’t even posting photos! Any insight?
Dear Major Conundrum,
Keep sending out emails and don’t let the ones who don’t respond (or don’t post photos) get to you. It’s not personal. Only worry about what you can control such as: what are you saying in your emails? How long or short are they? Are you commenting and asking about the women or just talking about yourself? How does your profile come across? Are the photos up to date and flattering? Does your About Me say that you’re “41, not married but still holding out hope that you’ll have a family” or does it say “I’m losing hope that I’ll never have a family since I’m 41 and still single”? Don’t let your frustration come across in your profile. Are your preferences broad and realistic?
As for not hearing back from women you’re emailed, it’s not nice and I’ve written about it before. People should at least write back “thanks but no thanks” if they are paid members and can read their email. But most don’t. Why? Because it’s awkward rejecting someone. So just shake it off and move forward. JDate has the numbers in your favor, so keep emailing because the more emails you send the more replies you’ll receive.
Well, the main question is, how can I get a higher response rate to emails I send out? It seems that so many emails go unread and most of the ones that are read go unanswered.
I know it’s a numbers game, but really it would be nice to hear back. I think there is too much judging going on out there. Even after going out a few times, people run.
I really do try to give someone a chance. We all have issues. We all have quirky things we do. It would be nice to meet girls who are ready, ready to commit, ready to have a life together. I am 43, I know that I will have to make compromises and I will have to change a bit to fit in with someone new.
It would be great to hear your take on this. Thanks!
Dear Response Rate,
Remember that people without a paid JDate account cannot read their emails, so don’t take every “unread” message to heart. As for the ones that are read, now that’s another story. It’s easy to put the blame on the receiving end, and sometimes they are to blame, but all you can do is try and see how you can better your emails and profile and photos to elicit a higher response rate. Are your pictures showing you in the best light? Is your profile appealing? Are your emails too forward? Try to see how you can switch things up a bit to make sure you’re coming across the way you want to because a lot can be lost in translation online. Aside from that, you seem to have a great attitude, ready to meet someone and realistic about what that means in terms of compromising. Good Luck!
I’m shocked about why people don’t get you back to you when you e-mail them. WHY… don’t they complete their profiles if they are here to be serious? You’re here for a reason, so WHY not reply, be polite or at least fill in your profiles?
Dear Why oh WHY?,
I can sense your frustration in your CAPS LOCK, LOL. I’ll say this — if a person isn’t filling out their profile or replying to your email then its not someone you want to date so they’ve made it easy for you. It does suck and I don’t get it either. You’re right, why are these people on JDate if they’re not putting forth the full effort to meet their Beshert? I always recommend that people fill out their profiles fully and at least reply with a polite rejection. Try to keep your sanity by remembering that these people are not your Beshert and move on to the next prospect.
What do I do if someone does not respond to my letter? Forget it or send another letter? And if so, should it be of a serious nature or humorous? Any ideas would be welcome.
Dear Follow-Up Letter,
Good question. On one hand you don’t want to be obnoxious and not recognize rejection, while on the other hand it never hurts to give it another shot. The trick here is to pay attention to their activity level — did she read the email? If not she may not be a paid member in which you’re wasting your time trying to contact her that way. If she did read your letter, has she logged on since? Make sure to give her some time to respond. Did she check out your profile after reading your email? If so, has she done so repeatedly? If you deem it worthy of your time to write another email then I most definitely believe that humor is the way to go. Women want nothing more than a man who will make them laugh. It will make her reevaluate why she didn’t respond the first time and pay you more mind.
Any tips on what to say to someone who sent me a message but, to be quite honest, is just not my type in the looks department? I know that sounds soooooo incredibly shallow but let’s face it, attraction is important! I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or come off like a b**ch. I want to be honest and I think if someone messages me they deserve a reply! Help please….
Dear Not My Type,
You ask a very realistic and common question. First off, I applaud you for not wanting to just delete and ignore the message because you’re right, people do deserve some sort of reply. Here’s the thing though — you don’t have to say why exactly you’re not interested, sometimes it’s more polite to just decline without explanation. The person won’t be left wondering why you didn’t respond and you can avoid being a b**ch. Simply reply something along the lines of “Thank you for your interest, but unfortunately I don’t believe we’d be a match. I wish you the best of luck finding your Beshert!” You can also tell a little white lie and reply “Thanks for your letter, I just recently met someone and want to see where it goes. Good luck!” Some people may reply back questioning your rejection (i.e. “Why don’t you think we’d be a match? Why are you still signing on to JDate if you met someone?) but at that point you can ignore and block and not feel bad about it.
I’ve sent various messages to different guys trying to open my mind and my preferences. However, most of them do not even open my message whether it’s a flirt or an email. What should I do?
Dear Message Center Mystery,
Don’t give up. It can take dozens and dozens of flirts and emails before you receive the kind of response you want, or any response at all. I’m glad that you’re expanding your preferences, so now make sure your profile and messages properly reflect you. Double check your photos, especially the first one, to make sure it’s the best photo you’ve ever taken! Confirm that your “About Me” paragraph is cute and flirty and fun. In particular, make sure the first sentence is catchy. Remember that many people are not paid members of JDate which means they cannot check their email, so don’t consider every unopened email a rejection. Have a good friend – one whom will be brutally honest – critique your photos, profile and emails, as well as your preferences, to make sure that you truly are putting yourself out there.
under Online Dating
I’m wondering if I’m old-fashioned, have expectations that are too high, or if men these days are ignorant of courtship-know-how….or maybe all the above? So many emails I receive from men seem like form letters (i.e. “we have so much in common”) with nothing personal to me, no mention of why they’re writing to me, what interests them about my profile or anything that would make me want to reply. It seems many men no longer think they have to do anything to please a woman or win her over. I’m not playing hard to get, but I do want to be courted. If I take the initiative and write first, I do what I’m asking for by making positive acknowledgements of things I resonate to in the man’s profile. What feedback or suggestions can you give me on this issue? Thank you!
Dear Courtship & Communication,
I don’t blame you for wanting more from an initial email and for wanting to be courted. I feel very strongly about both men and women spending time to make sure an email is personal and personalized — otherwise why bother? I don’t believe that all hope is lost in the search for a man who still believes in courting a woman, but you will have to continue to sift through the rough to find the diamonds. (Many men probably feel the same about finding a real lady, by the way.) My advice would be to continue what you’re doing by practicing what you preach in your emails, but also to give some of the men a chance. As much as you’re frustrated, they are as well, which has led to them sending what may seem like form letters. Write these guys back and see if their follow-up email is any better. You have nothing to lose, right? Good luck!