Look, I know its tempting.  I know the curiosity might sometimes drive you mad.  I know you are even excited to talk to all the new potential dates you have.

But you need to stop checking your email so many times a day.

Especially those of you who have become more advanced at online dating and learned to successfully date people at will.

For starters, whether you are a guy or girl, popping up as logging in every hour will lower your value and make you look desperate. People who are attractive have lives outside the dating world and get around to their emails when they have a chance.

Second, you will find yourself slowly sitting at your computer day and night, endlessly writing emails.  This will lead to online dating fatigue.

Solution:

Check your mail twice a day and that’s it!  Once in the afternoon.  Once late at night.  Respond to every email at once.  Then shut the computer, log off, and resist the temptation.

The benefits:

No matter how boring life gets, you will have something to look forward to twice a day!

Dear Tamar,

So I have been debating with 2 other friends who also have profiles about the best way to approach a girl on JDate. My guy friend and I feel that a 2-3 sentence email asking the girl about something in their profile (EX: she likes books, what’s your favorite book, but not that boring, I promise!) is the best way to approach a girl. However, our friend that’s a girl says an IM is the best way to approach a girl on JDate. Thoughts?

Dear The Approach,

I would agree with you guys (surprised I didn’t side with the girls?). Back in the day when I was on JDate, an email that showed some thought and effort was put into it always impressed me more than  random Instant Messages. That said, I liked I.M.’s because we got to jump right into a conversation and could see if something flowed (while, of course, I quickly scanned their profile to see if we were a match). The best thing would be an I.M. after the exchange of 2 e-mails where a phone number is asked for and given and then the relationship moves off the computer and to the phone.

Dear Tamar,

I saw someone that I thought was really interesting so I sent her an email and asked her a question about something specific that I saw in her profile. She read the email and looked at my profile, but did not respond. The thing is, I really would like to communicate with her.  Should I try another route to approach her, or should I not be “that guy” and realize she is not interested?  Thanks!

Dear Repeat or Delete?,

The great thing about JDate is that you don’t lose anything by trying one more time. Sure, you could meet that person one day or have a friend in common, but for the most part chances are you’ll never run into each other so you’re not going to lose face by giving it one more shot. Both of you are on JDate to meet someone so why not try another route to get her attention? So far you’ve done everything right by asking her about something specific in her profile. She either isn’t interested, which is fine, or she’s ambivalent which means you have an opening to sway her in your direction. I would suggest trying the humor route, like “I saw that you checked me out, I hope my good looks didn’t scare you away” or something to that effect. Let her know that you know that she read your email and looked at your profile and try to appeal to her funny side — every girl likes a guy who can make her laugh! If she still doesn’t respond, then you know to move on.

Dear Tamar,

I’m 59 and my wife died about a year and a half ago. It seems like every other day I get another JDate Match sent to me of women who are between the age of 35 and 40. Some are pretty attractive! I just keep thinking that if I express interest in any one of them, I’ll come off as some creepy, lecherous, old guy.  Help me out here- is this just in my head or is it just outright creepy?

Dear Creep or Compatible,

I appreciate your concern for not wanting to come off as a creep. There is quite a difference in life experience between a 59-year-old widow and a 35-year-old single. JDate matches are sent to you based off of the preferences you both set, so if you want to find out about women a few years older than you, you need to change your age range settings. Once you do that, you need to check the preferences of the matches you’re receiving by scrolling down to the bottom of their profiles to see if you fit into their age range and marital status choices. There must be something you have in common which is why you got the match sent to you, but both of you having a dog and living in the same zip code does not a shidduch make. If you do find that you have many commonalities then it won’t hurt to send an email saying both that you seem to have a lot in common and that you hope you’re not coming off as overachieving (try not to use the word “creep” in a first email). The worst that will happen is that you won’t hear back. Good Luck!

Dear Tamar,

Last summer I created a free JDate profile without a picture. In December I decided to pay for the membership and I got two e-mails from back in July.  I answered one of them and for a day I was on cloud nine.  But the next day I received an e-mail from the guy and he said we were in different places in our lives. He wished me luck and that was the last I am going to hear from him.  I thought we had a lot in common and we live in the same town. I lost my husband and this guy is also a widower and this is my first time venturing out and trying to date. I don’t know what I said exactly in the two or three e-mails that I sent to him, but I must have said something to turn him off to me.  Now, I am afraid to contact anyone else.  I am afraid of rejection in short.  How do I get over this?

Dear E-mail Denial,

A lot of time has passed between when the guy initially e-mailed you and now and you have no way of knowing what has occurred in his life since then. I would write the guy one more e-mail and let him know that if he changes his mind you’d love to hear from him, as you have a lot in common. That’s all you can do and afterwards you need to move on. It sucks but unfortunately that’s the risk you take not paying for a membership and being able to read your e-mail and contact people. Don’t be afraid to contact anyone else… if you have such commonalities with this guy, you will find another one, if not two, three or four more men. Being afraid of rejection is normal, but if you want to meet someone you have to take that risk and not take it personally if someone isn’t interested. Believe me, you will be approached by many a man whom you will not be interested in!

Dear Tamar,

Maybe it’s just me or what I say, but out of 83 emails I sent out I have only gotten back responses from 4 people. What’s the story?

Dear E-mail Eyesore,

Without reading one of your email examples I’ll give you some basic advice. First, a 5% response rate isn’t all that bad. I know one in every 20 emails doesn’t sound great, but it’s not terrible, I promise you. You have to take into consideration that only paid JDate members can open email, so your odds are probably more like 10% if not more. Then, keep in mind that the ones responding are the ones you want to talk to because you have already established a mutual admiration. Now, take a look at your emails and make sure they’re not too generic, not too long, not too self-involved, not over-flattering and that welcome a response. Emails must be personalized. Lastly, make sure you’re sending emails to people that are realistically in your range, whether that be age, location, looks or what have you. It’s great to reach for the stars because you may catch one, but make sure that, in general, your expectations are realistic. I think that if you implement these things and remember that not everyone can read their emails you’ll find yourself not only getting more responses but feeling better about the ones you do get and not wondering about the ones you’re not hearing back from.

Dear Tamar,

I am 52 years old, was married for 22 years and now I am single. I would very much like to have a meaningful, passionate relationship. I just don’t know how to go about connecting with someone online. Whenever I find someone I’m attracted to I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to come off being too forward or too aggressive. I don’t enjoy playing games, I just want to be honest about how I feel. What would you advise me to do when I want to make a connection with someone online? How should I approach the individual? I want to be smart about it. Thanks!

Dear Connecting Online,

Thank you for your very eloquent letter. You could basically post a version of your letter as your “About Me” paragraph which would attract the right type of people. See my example:

I am 52 years, was married for 22 years and now I am single. I would very much like to have a meaningful, passionate relationship. I don’t enjoy playing games; I just want to be honest about how I feel. I don’t want to come off being too forward or too aggressive but I’m not sure how to go about connecting with someone online. (And then add more about yourself: your character traits, hobbies and what you’re looking for in a mate.)

The same goes for any email you send a potential date. Let them know that you are new to JDate and have a hard time ensuring that your real personality comes through online but that you think you would enjoy each other’s company because of x, y, and z reasons. Your email doesn’t have to be too long or too detailed. Keep it short and sweet and you won’t have the chance to come off too forward or too aggressive. Once you meet in person I believe you’ll be more comfortable so try to get off-line and in-person as soon as possible. Good Luck!

Dear Tamar,

I’m having problems with what to include in my “About Me” paragraph. I know what I’m looking for and what I want in a potential partner, but I can’t describe myself well enough for fear I will be judged the wrong way. What would be your best advice? I’ve tried including my love of sports, hiking, camping, the outdoors, and I’m getting nothing! It’s frustrating. Also, if I see someone that I’m interested in, what’s the rule of thumb when sending the first email to a girl? I’m having a hard time getting responses. Thanks for your help!

Dear Rule of Thumb,

I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to stop worrying how you’ll be perceived and to start sending emails. You’re not going to get any responses if you don’t make the first move. That said, if you know the description of yourself will offend the majority of women, then please do edit it and, while you’re at it, think about why you have to do so. Make sure your first line is catchy and I recommend having a sister or female friend read the paragraph to make sure you won’t be judged the wrong way. As for sending the first email, it’s never a bad thing and it never hurts. In the first email it’s imperative to let the woman know why her profile caught your eye, compliment something about her photos and mention 1-2 things you have in common. Finally, ask her if there’s mutual interest. Try to think about what you would want to read in the About Me paragraph and in a letter and apply that same concept to your repertoire. Good luck!

I am trying to get better at determining when it’s a good time to transition from an online conversation, either via email or Instant Message, to an actual face to face first date, or when I am better off just ending things because neither of us really seems that interested.  As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs I am not someone who operates under the same pretenses and patterns with every person that I meet online.  Therefore, it is important that I read the situation correctly and trust my instincts so that I don’t waste my time talking to a bunch of women with limited potential for actually ever going out on an enjoyable date.

While figuring this out isn’t rocket science I do believe that there is a fair amount of calculations that go into determining what is the right course of action in a given situation. First off, let me reiterate my feeling that you can’t treat every person and situation the same, and those who have a template for how they approach and communicate with people in my opinion are making a big mistake. You can’t lump everyone you meet, whether it’s online, at a bar, or at work, into one group and interact with them all in the exact same way. While I do understand that some people like to ask a few of the same initial questions of those they are getting to know, that is hardly the same as waiting for a certain amount of emails  to transpire before asking someone out for coffee, no matter what vibe the other person is giving you.

You have to feel people out; pay attention to the underlying tone in their responses in order to determine if they are becoming more comfortable sharing information with you, or whether they seem to be uninterested. One of the questions I always try to ask myself is whether or not I feel like the other person is pushing the conversation forward as much as I am. Are they asking me questions that show they’re truly interested in me, or are they just answering my questions and repeating them back to me?  If that is the case then perhaps I should just leave well enough alone since I’m not getting very much out of the correspondence.

During every online conversation there are signals that indicate if things are going well and if it’s the right time to meet, or if it’s not. Often times, especially when we haven’t had any good conversations in a while, we try to force things along and end up either turning the other person off or going out on a first date that we never should have gone on. So keep an open mind when talking with people, trust your instincts when gauging their responses and figuring out their level of interest in you, because there are a lot of fish in the online sea so why waste your time trying to force things to work with the wrong ones.

A coworker has been anticipating meeting an online love intrigue for two months solid. Why the wait? The gentleman lives abroad and has planned the date around visiting family in New York. While there is a certain charm in extended romantic e-pen-palling, there is also a highly elevated risk for disappointment if expectations are not met. Case in point, said friend is also in the throes of an outrageously ambitious diet campaign to reach his goal weight, which is of course, the weight he purports to be in his online profile, some 30 pounds less. I know virtually nothing about his potential lover, but I do know about human reactions to circumstance and am willing to bet the house (or rather, the rent controlled lease) that after flying all the way from Taiwan, said pen pal will be peeved at that one. My friend is a good guy and not purposefully deceptive, just merely in need of a diet motivating device. Hopefully by virtue of the fact that the love birds have communicated regularly via chat and email for the last 60 days, there is a mutual attraction that runs deeper than exteriors. Provided that a slight fudging of numbers is the only source of surprise experienced by either that day, there is something to be said for these two. If intrigue can still exist after 60 days of emails, I have high hopes for them.