Dear Gems from Jen,

I met a guy online and we have been corresponding through Instant Messenger, Email, phone calls and texting for about the past month.  We still have yet to meet each other in person, which seems a little odd to me.  We do have different work schedules, so it is hard to figure out when we can get together, but I of course suggested that we meet for coffee sometime and that way we can at least meet for a little bit. However, he says that he really wants us to meet for a half day, so that we can spend a lot of time together.  I don’t quite get it. I would think that if he really wanted to meet me, a little time is better than none.  I’m not sure if I should bother communicating with this guy any longer. What do you think?

Dear First Date,

I agree with you, it does seem a little odd. It sounds as if the two of you have both agreed to meet and for some reason unknown to us, he is not willing to even meet for a quick cup of coffee. I’m not so sure there is anything else you can do at this point. He either wants to meet or he doesn’t. Do yourself a favor and keep your profile active on JDate.  Continue to look at profiles and correspond with those that spark your interest.  Don’t wait around for a guy that is unwilling to commit to a first meeting.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I’m new to JDate and feeling overwhelmed by the world of online dating. I’ve found that men are much more likely to contact me through IM than through email, but I don’t really feel comfortable giving out my phone number (or agreeing to meet someone) after one conversation, even if I think I may like them.  How do I respond to those requests without making it sound like I’m just not interested in getting to know them?

Thanks

Dear Too Fast,

I can understand why you are feeling overwhelmed. I agree with you, dating should be a natural progression, even in the online world. If someone IMs you and wants to meet after one conversation, you need to decide if this is someone you really do want to get to know. I know for me when things move too quickly I become uncomfortable and begin to question the motives behind the person who is rushing the process. I tend to wonder if the person is just merely excited, or if they are  going to lose patience and/or attention too quickly. If you do decide to continue corresponding with these people be straightforward and speak the truth. Let each one know you are not yet comfortable giving out your number and would prefer to continue getting to know them through email. Do not do anything until you feel ready and comfortable. If the people on the other end do not understand or are no longer interested because you are not willing to rush things, move forward without looking backward.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen-

I occasionally email someone who seems to have a lot in common with me, but never get a response. Can you tell me what’s necessary to say in a first email message to optimize a response?
I’m an attractive, intelligent woman and I just don’t get it.

Thanks,

Email Messages

Dear Email Messages,
I’m not sure if there are hard and fast rules as to what to say in a first message, but there are some guidelines that may increase your chances of getting a response. State what it is you have in common with the person by reading their profile. Don’t respond based solely on the picture.  Looks can be deceiving. Make certain your subject line is catchy and tells the person that you did take the time to read what it is they are all about. For instance, if the person you are wanting a response from likes baseball have your email subject relate to baseball. Let them know what caught your eye and ask for some elaboration. Be sure to ask questions about the person you are interested in getting to know better. It is very difficult to respond to an email that does not leave room for a response or responses. Lastly, check your spelling and grammar.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Are there any dating faux-pas when it comes to contacting a guy on a dating website? I’ve contacted several (either via ‘Flirts’ or a simple ‘hi’ via email) and once they reply and then I reply, it all seems to come to an abrupt end. Should I email again or just let it go by the wayside?

Dear Dating Faux-Pas,

My suggestion is to start the first communication with more than just a “hi.” Make sure you include something in the body of the email that shows you have something in common with the person you are writing for the first time. I know in my own experience if the communication is too brief the emails tend to die down rather quickly. Make certain you always leave an opening for the person to respond. Ask a few questions throughout the email so the person you are communicating with will feel more at ease responding. If you are still interested in the guys who do not respond try again.  Be sure to leave an opening for a response in order to maximize the possibility that you will get a return email.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,
Here is my profile description — it’s not getting a flood of responses.  Can you tell me why or what to do to improve it?
_______________
I am a Jewish secular humanist who believes in a human-driven ethical code, rather than in any kind of deity. Still believe in peace and love and working for a more just and humane society. Empathy, humility and kindness are most important to me when considering a potential partner. I am drawn to the arts, particularly music and painting, and I love to read in my spare time, especially poetry and history. I seek a compatible partner — must be politically progressive (e.g., liberal democrat — I am a big fan of Bernie Sanders but you don’t have to be). Basically, I am looking for someone who is in some way an activist — someone who has compassion for the struggles of the poor and disenfranchised. Basically seeking an educated, humane, giving person who is a reader, a thinker, and someone with a compatible world view.

Dear Secular Humanist,

I really enjoyed reading your profile description.  It sounds like you are passionate about your beliefs and look for the good in all. I think your profile does a great job of describing who you are. Perhaps you could add some specifics about what it is you can offer to a relationship.  Your profile definitely states who you are and what you are passionate about, but it lacks what you can offer to a potential romantic partner. Specifically, what it is you can give one on one, not to the entire world.  How do you stand out in terms of a partner from the next profile? Consider adding some of these specifics to your JDate profile and see what happens.

Have you emailed or Flirted with people on JDate that interest you? Spend a few minutes a day looking at profiles and reach out to those who spark your interest.  Remember, everyone has their preferences and just because you are not getting a flood of responses does not mean that there is anything wrong with your profile.

 Signed,
 Gems from Jen

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Dear GemsfromJen,

What would help me to make a connection with someone after having already tried emails, Flirts and Instant Messages?

Dear Connections,

My first suggestion is to move on to the next profile that you find interesting.  If someone isn’t responding after several attempts of trying to gain their attention, it usually means they are not interested. Not that this is always the case, but it generally tends to be. My belief is if someone receives messages and they are not interested in establishing a connection it is common courtesy to let the person know in a polite manner that they do not feel that it is a good match. You don’t want to come across as harassing, so it sounds to me as if it is time to focus your attention elsewhere.
 Signed,

 Gems from Jen

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