Don’t you hate it when your ex gets married, gets a promotion, or just plain looks goooooood? It makes your blood boil, right? Especially when you’re in the exact same place as you were when you broke up. This is not a reflection of you, so try not to take it personally or beat yourself up over it. Maybe this is the kick in the tush you need to finally go after that hottie or that job or that haircut. It freaking sucks in the meantime, but use it for good, not evil. Even if you’ve moved on, it still might burn. But if you’re single, and your ex always pops up on JDate and then you hear he or she has moved on and suddenly their profile POOF! disappears, it’s gonna sting. Wallow in your self pity for bit, and then paste a smile on your face and carry on. Letting your ex’s success get the best of you will only make your desire to meet your Beshert seem like retaliation rather than authentic.

Sometimes I am so unmotivated to write anything that I decide to think of a nonsensical title, and then write the post based on the title alone. Here, ‘alone’ refers to the fact that I am going to write this by myself, without a girl, or anybody, by my side.

Literally, this title refers to the fact that when I got to the gym today, my stomach hurt so badly that, once on the elliptical machine, I could actually feel my stomach breaking up into little pieces. I had to get off so I could run to the bathroom to vomit, but not before making sure that everybody in the gym noticed me running.

Figuratively, I guess this title could be used for a post about my longtime overdue reunion with my ex-girlfriend once we’re both dead and fall short of heaven because of both my religion and the fact that she is a terrible person. This, of course, sounds good initially because of the long period that I wanted her back that lasted from puberty to about now. But this is hell, and nothing here is what it seems. In hell, I will be forced to re-live that one time, while dating her, that I found a then-recent photo of her with her arm around another man. Then, she will desperately try to explain to me that that was her cousin, but not before I realize that she doesn’t have a cousin because her parents are both only children. I better live forever.