If you are too scared to have The Talk about where you are in a relationship, then you simply cannot assume you and your new love interest are on the same page. To assume is to make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” Basically, bypassing The Talk could lead one person in the relationship to feeling more interested than the other, which is never good.
Here’s a clue: if the other person avoids The Talk or behaves skittishly and skirts the topic, then that’s your answer. You can almost guarantee he or she does not want to enter into a monogamous, committed relationship with you for whatever reason. Take note and don’t try to convince yourself that they’re a commitment-phobe, or just not ready, or even that you are committed but don’t need to discuss it. This is a red flag. Ignore at your own risk. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Dear Gems from Jen,
My date keeps looking on JDate. We have met twice, and it seems we have much in common. We both do visual art, and our jobs are fairly retailed. He seems to be a respected business man and well behaved. Should I be anxious about it, confront him and draw the line? Or just go with the flow and make the best out of what he offers and have fun?
Two dates is a nice start, but it does not sound like this is a committed relationship, at least not yet. My question to you is; how do you know he is continuing to look on JDate? There are only a couple of possible answers. Either you are continuing to look as well, or you are keeping tabs on him. My suggestion is to slow down, way down. What will confronting him with this information and drawing the line do for you? My best guess is it will make him run and hide and it will cause you to lose any potential you might have with this man. Rushing a relationship does not generally work. Go with the flow and see what develops. It sounds like you are off to a great start. Take your time and enjoy the experience of getting to know this guy. Keep your profile on JDate and continue dating until you have entered into an exclusive relationship. Have some fun with your dating experiences.
Gems from Jen
Dear Gems from Jen,
After eight months of being off of JDate, I have recently returned to the site. A man who I was in contact with before, but had never met, reestablished contact with me. We had a connection before, but I may have chickened out from meeting him. I was happy he contacted me and even happier after we spoke on the phone. We finally had our first date and had a blast – we spent the whole day together and are planning another date. My question is, if you have an amazing connection with someone and plan on dating them, how long before it is time to take down your profile? I am new at this and really am not sure. He did initially tell me that if we hit it off, he isn’t going to remove his profile after a week, but he didn’t mention when this would happen. His intentions seem genuine and I want to give my 100% but only if he does the same. Any advice would be appreciated!
Dear Curious Girl,
Mazel tov on your new dating life! What a fantastic story. It sounds like the two of you are off to a great start. Take your time and enjoy this new and exciting experience. Becoming exclusive too quickly may not always be the best way to handle a brand new relationship. I am curious as to why you chickened out the first time around? Be sure you know what it is you are getting yourself into. Re-visit the feelings of anxiety that the meeting caused you all of those months ago. This way you will be 100% certain that you have fully changed your mind now about this guy.
My suggestion is to have few more dates with him and then if you still feel the same way, sit down with him and have a candid conversation. You both need to agree that you are going to remove your profiles. Until both of you agree to become exclusive there is nothing wrong with him leaving his profile on JDate. It might not feel right to you, but a relationship takes two people and you both need to be on the same page for the relationship to not only survive, but thrive.
Gems from Jen