More on Social Media while Dating

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

If you have a JDate account then I can pretty much assume that you have a Facebook page — and quite possibly some other combination of Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Google+, and/or LinkedIn (and I’m sure there are other sites and apps I’m missing). Using the internet while dating is tricky because once you exchange names, then all it takes is a couple of clicks of the mousepad to learn more about a prospect.

This is a good and bad thing, which I’ve discussed before, but that doesn’t mean you need to shut down social media. A guy I once dated was unsearchable, and it actually made me think there was something he was hiding. Even once we started dating and added each other on different sites — eliminating the “privacy” modes — he still didn’t have anything posted, nor did he often “like” items. He did, however, scroll through Facebook and Instagram regularly and the combination of the two made me very skeptical.

On the other hand, you can meet people who over-share and put every detail about their life online — pictures of their meals, status updates about their frustrating morning, opinions about everything, photos of every thing they do, and so on. That doesn’t include clicking “like” for ALL of their friends posts and commenting as well. It’s exhausting and it’s overkill for someone who barely knows you, but is interested in dating you.

As with most things, there’s a happy medium with social media where you let people see things about your life without being too much of an open book or too much of a recluse. You can also use privacy settings for people you don’t really know so they can’t see everything you post, and they can get to know you at a more natural pace.

That said, try not to cyber stalk and don’t add your date on social media until you’re on your way to dating seriously. Not every first date should become a Facebook friend.

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Brotherly Love

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Judaism,Online Dating,Single Life

This Passover my Facebook newsfeed was inundated with beautiful family photos… and many times I was confused. Many of these “friends” I hadn’t seen in awhile, and many of their siblings I hadn’t seen in even longer. In fact, I didn’t know if the person they were lovingly posing with was their sibling at all, or if it was their significant other. And sometimes there wasn’t a tag or it wasn’t clear who the tag belonged to.

Obviously there is nothing wrong with showing affection with your siblings, but if you’re single, then you should not only tag photos but caption them as well: “love hanging out with my brother/sister!” The same goes for any of those photos that you use on JDate as well — make sure you add the description of who is in photos with you. You don’t want any prospects to be confused and think you’re dating someone seriously enough to post a photo on social media, or to think you’re using photos with an ex on JDate — because without a doubt your matches will then compare themselves to your ex!


Hanging Your Dirty Laundry

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships
  • Single again. =(
  • Boys suck!
  • All girls are sisters.
  • What do I have to do to get a date?
  • All my friends are getting married and having kids, and leaving me behind. :-(
  • I’m never going to get married at this point.

These are only some of the Facebook status updates I’ve read within the past few weeks. Word to the wise — posting these types of updates is not going to help you find a date. Your friends will be sympathetic, but probably won’t want to set you up given your current state of self-despair mode. Nobody likes a pity party. Keep your dirty laundry off your social media profiles; simply vent to your close friends instead and then move on. You will find someone, but dating is a state of mind and you need to keep it positive in public.


Status Up(Dates) Refresher

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Many, many posts ago I wrote about updating your status on Facebook and how broadcasting your every date, crush, and disappointment is harmful to your health. Well, so are your rants. A friend of mine who I’ll call Lisa was divorced about 3 years ago and has consistently updated her relationship status since then with every boyfriend she quickly entered into a relationship with, posted about them in her Newsfeed, and then subsequently reverting her status and ranting about each guy and why the relationship met its demise.

When Lisa’s most recent boyfriend proposed after 6 months she elatedly posted a photo of her ring and changed her status. One friend of hers couldn’t hold back and commented that she hoped Lisa would be cautious. Granted, it wasn’t this woman’s place to comment on a public forum, she was wrong and she was rude, but Lisa responded by ranting that she wished people would be happy for her or keep their mouths shut and that she was going to delete people who couldn’t be happy for her — which put a damper on what should have been her special day.

I sent Lisa a private message and told her that I strongly recommend that in the future she simply delete negative comments and possibly delete those people as well. I also congratulated her and silently prayed that this engagement was going to be successful (and would minimize her dramatic posts). But Lisa set herself up for part of it as well by constantly narrating her love life as well as her heartbreaks more often than she changed her profile picture.

Just like no one really wants or needs to know what you ate for dinner, no one wants or needs to know about every date, every new prospect, every rejection, or every kiss. Keep some intimate items to yourself or share them with your closest friends. Not only is it no one’s business but new JDate prospects who are on Facebook or will eventually be your Facebook friend will be able to look back and see all of thee dramatic posts and may think differently about you because of it.


Another Social Media vs. JDate Rant

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Single Life

Social Media — Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and blogs — has given people a false sense of self-worth. Post a pic and 98 of your closest friends and acquaintances will instantly “LIKE” it. Add an event to your timeline and people whom you haven’t seen in more than a decade will comment about your dog dying when you run into them on the street tomorrow. But check out this real-life scenario:

You’re on JDate, you are following my advice by poly-dating, and after a few dates with a few different prospects, you add or accept invitations to add these prospects on Facebook.

Then one of the more promising prospects stands you up on a date and what do you do? Well, naturally (enter sarcasm here) you take to Facebook to rant about being stood up. You use word like “rejection” and “desperate” and “soul mate” and “self-worth” and other extremely exaggerated terms to describe how you’re feeling right at that very moment about something that, in the long run, will end up being just a memory among millions… less than a drop of water in the ocean.

Except… all the other prospects now see that “Status Update” and are totally turned off. Not only is it clear that you are more into someone else, but you are now outed as a poly-dater (there’s nothing wrong with poly-dating, just don’t go around promoting it), and as an unnecessarily emotional single who likes to broadcast their baggage.

  • Bottom line: all these social media sites are public. Unless you block certain people from seeing your updates, then all your friends — and possibly their friends, and possibly the whole world — can see everything. Keep your crazy to yourself and call a friend to vent rather than hashtagging your emotions.

Anti-Social Media

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

A picture is worth a thousand words… especially when you post a photo of yourself scantily clad, drunk or provocatively posed (or all 3!) on Facebook, Instagram and other social media websites. When you’re single and are looking for a mate, is this really how you want to portray yourself to potential suitors? Summertime means less clothing and more opportunity for partying which means more chances to snap and post. Hold off. Those photos can be saved to someone’s device forever, they never completely go away. Have fun, sure, but not every action each day needs to be documented online. Are you representing yourself well? People you meet on JDate tend to do some background checking via social media sites so make sure you don’t ruin your reputation because of one crazy night.


Stalker Shocker

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

So much response to “Stalker Tendencies: 5 Things NOT to do with a New Love Interest”   made me realize that people don’t think this type of behavior exists. Unfortunately, it does. Sometimes with scary repercussions, other times it’s just benign. But ALL of the items I listed happened. One comment mentioned a boyfriend who actually got a job at the Post Office to find her new address. That is extreme. Kind of like the sneaking-into-his-apartment-and-redecorating stint I mentioned. But Facebook stalking has become the norm. A weird norm, but it happens the vast majority of the time. It’s not just psychos doing it either, nearly everyone I know Google’s their date’s name and search him or her on Facebook. One comment said she found out her significant other was dating another woman — she could have dumped him but instead managed to get him to dump the other woman. Regardless of the outcome, her Facebook-ing allowed her to see the truth. Of course, most people aren’t so dumb as to post pictures of themselves doing something they aren’t supposed to and if it’s out there for the world to see then it’s not necessarily “stalking.” But even if you just know the names of their friends, the last few places they visited and their dog’s name all before a 1st date, then you are officially a stalker. Embrace it, it’s a part of our lives now with the influx of technology. Just don’t take it too far because if you get caught  it could ruin what would have otherwise been a very good thing.


Bieber vs Gomez

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez’s on again/off again/on again/off again relationship has the celebrity gossip mills buzzing. Post break-up Bieber was seen with a Victoria’s Secret model, then he picked up Gomez from the airport, the two reportedly spent the weekend together and paparazzi caught them leaving a restaurant after 10 minutes where his car was seen leaving her house, returning to her house, and leaving her house again. Due to Twitter and TMZ, we have a play-by-play of their every move as these two young people are trying to figure out their relationship troubles. Sucks for them. Luckily, you are not Bieber or Gomez. And you do not need your love life played out for the world to see.

That means not posting or Tweeting your every fleeting thought, post-date synopses, feelings on being single/dating/desperate/breaking up/making up and so on. There is no need to broadcast your every meal, movement, sleeping pattern, or outfit. Don’t air your dirty laundry in public and save the drama for your mama. Literally, ask your mom for relationship advice before posting your equivalent of the Bieber and Gomez drama on your Facebook page.

And here’s why (if you actually need rationalization): say you’re in a relationship, you break up and post all about it on Facebook. Then you decide to get back together, but now everyone knows your business and you’re going to have to answer lots of questions, including people doubting if you should reconcile. It’s none of their business, right? So don’t make it theirs.


Being a P.I. on JDate

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Sometimes when you meet a new prospect on JDate you feel compelled to do a little digging and put on your Private Investigator cap. My immediate reaction is to tell you NOT to Google! But I’ve recently heard some horror stories that have made me change my mind. You shouldn’t research someone to the point where you know more than they would have shared on the first date, because if you already know the answer why would you ask the question? It’s normal to ask someone if they were ever married but it’s not normal to already know they were married at 21 years old for 6 months. Conversely, if someone tells you they are divorced and your relationship is getting a bit serious, it is not abnormal to check the county’s website for confirmation that their divorce is indeed official. Not knowing someone’s name on JDate is kind of nice because you can’t look them up on Facebook. It’s kind of like forgetting your cell phone at home because you feel kind of free – it’s all out of your hands and you have no control and you just need to see where you end up. It’s okay to maybe get an approval from a mutual friend, but try not to ask for too much information. With JDate, you have been delivered so much information via the profile questions that you are already lacking in the mystery department and a first date ends up really being more like a second date. Don’t dampen the excitement by finding out too much!


Faceday

by JeremySpoke under Entertainment

Birthdays were just the best up to the year 2003. Then Facebook got invented. Birthdays then became something else. Something dark. Each year gets progressively worse. On my first Facebook birthday, I got maybe ten posts, or whatever ‘posts’ were back in like 2004, wishing me a ‘Happy Birthday’. People that I didn’t even realize existed, much less liked me, were suddenly very much invested in the campaign for me to have a great day.

Each year, as Facebook grew, and Facebook birthday notification systems became increasingly more self-aware, I would get more posts. However, all good things must end, and eventually I plateaued at about fifty. I initially thought that this was a lot, until I started noticing other people’s posts during their birthdays. I would have been perfectly okay with other people receiving more posts. However, people receiving more posts than me were terrible. Childhood bullies, people who unironically wear visors, ex-girlfriends, etc. Maybe people post on these assholes’ walls because they’re scared they’ll get murdered if they don’t. Either way, this made my birthday somewhat of a bummer. Also, I never post on other people’s walls on their birthdays, which not only makes me undeserving of any birthday praise, but also a hypocritical ass like my other friends who get so much more birthday love.

Now, I realize that birthday notifications don’t mean anything. Sure, a few good friends will post on your wall, and that’s great. However, the majority of your birthday posts are from people you haven’t seen in twenty years who write the same thing on every one of their friends’ walls during every one of their birthdays. I realize that writing this post is going to cost me like 30 Facebook birthday notifications next year. I also realize that it won’t at all because nobody reads this, and if people do, it’s damn sure not people I haven’t seen for the vast majority of my life. To all of my Facebook friends who have a birthday on October 2, Happy Birthday!