Even though I have never had a problem being Facebook friend with a woman while we were dating that doesn’t mean that there weren’t problem with us being Facebook Friends after we broke up…

The problem one faces when you seriously date someone you are Facebook friends with is that when you break up you are left with two, equally poor, options.

Option #1

You de-friend the person you were dating so that you don’t inadvertently learn any new information about them through the Facebook News Feed. Additionally de-friending them saves you in the event that you succumb to temptation, and view their page in order to see what they’ve recently posted or if they are dating someone new you, by giving you a fail safe which prevents you from the agony that inevitably results from such actions since you will no longer be able to view their page because you aren’t their Facebook friend any longer.

Drawback to Option #1

If you decide to de-friend the person you recently broke up with there is a strong possibility you will look like the smaller person in the situation and may receive flack about it from mutual friends. De-friending on the surface seems immature and might make it seem to the other person or people with knowledge or your break up that you aren’t handling it well.

Option #2

You remain friends with then and hope that you enter into a new relationship or post interesting information and pictures to your profile before they do, so you aren’t the one left feeling as though the other person is doing better without you, or doing better than you at that point in time.

Drawback to Option #2

You may inadvertently learn things about the person you broke up with you don’t want to know, which may lead you to feel bad about yourself or fixate on as a result. Information you may not want to know includes that they are dating someone knew, any information that makes it seem like they are doing better than you, or pictures that show them having fun, particularly with mutual friends or at places where you used to have fun together.

In the end there is really no good way to handle this situation, and to some the whole idea behind my past two blogs may seem ridiculous; but I was once in that camp and have through experience come to realize the potential unintentional psychological damage that being Facebook friends with your ex can inflict. Ultimately social media, and specifically Facebook, aren’t going anywhere, therefore we just going to have to adjust to this new aspect of dating, relationships and break ups, as well as the potential consequences or situations that they might present to us.

Social media and, for the purposes of this blog specifically Facebook, has transformed the way we access information about other people. Even though most of the information we are exposed to about people isn’t particularly relevant to our lives, or even information that we necessarily need to know, we are nonetheless inundated with it every time we access the Facebook site.

Personally, I assume everything I say, do or write is going to eventually be heard, seen or read by someone, somewhere, and therefore I try to limit engaging in activities I wouldn’t want people to see pictures of the next day, or write things on my blog about myself that I wouldn’t want other people outside of my close circle of friends and family to know about me.

After college I got my first job and during the time leading up to my first day I did my best to track down the pictures other people had posted of me that weren’t, shall we say, flattering. It was during this exercise when I began to realize the true extent of how much my, and pretty much everyone else from my generation’s life, was on Facebook for (depending on your privacy settings) everyone, or at least all of our Facebook friends, to see.

It wasn’t until my junior year of college when Facebook made its’ way to Indiana University. Yet, this still left me with plenty of time to fill my Facebook page, and many of my friends’ pages, with “interesting” pictures, comments and other information. Through the Facebook newsfeed I am inundated every time I log on to the site with information about what my Facebook friends are doing, where they are, and what information and pictures have recently been posted about them or they added to their profiles.

As a result of this newsfeed, and the access that my Facebook friends have to the information and pictures attached to my profile, I have definitely been more careful with who I accept to be my Facebook friend, which includes not only people I meet but also women who I’m seeing. Initially the thought of being Facebook friends with the woman I was dating seemed like a no-brainer since, after all, it was only Facebook; it wasn’t until after going through a break up that I realized being Facebook friends with your ex was a potentially complicated situation.

Even though I have never had a problem being Facebook friends with a woman while we were dating that doesn’t mean there weren’t problem with us being Facebook friends after we broke up…

A few years ago, I took Jared Fogle’s lead, whom according to jewornotjew.com, has a ninety percent chance of actually being Jewish, and decided to try to lose weight by eating nothing but Subway sandwiches and exercise (minus the exercise). It went okay, but after losing about twenty pounds, I somehow started gaining weight after I stopped eating Subway® subs and started eating steak. The steak diet’s patent is still pending, as there is no way that it can lead to any form of weight loss.

I eventually gained all of my weight back. Last night, I decided to re-try the Subway weight loss challenge. I am happy to report that I have not deviated from the diet yet have yet to lose any weight. This may partially be because the sandwich I ate today had bacon, avocado, roast beef, and ranch dressing. Perhaps the ingredients of the sandwich are more important than the fact that it is a sandwich. I suppose Jared Fogle didn’t lose weight by eating the Chicken Bacon Ranch sandwich.

Okay! So my diet starts tomorrow. I am still trying to figure out how to build a healthy sandwich out of beef, bacon, and guacamole. When this happens, revolution will materialize as people recognize the futility of lettuce. If I went the rest of my life without lettuce of any kind, I think my life would be full and happy. My first report on the progression of my new Subway®  diet will be posted on Thursday. If you would like to join me, and are a girl, I would definitely be open to that.

I have arbitrarily decided that July 15 will be the first day that I will eat food that is not a Subway® turkey sandwich. I have already created an event on Facebook inviting women to a date with a skinny me on that evening. People have started to RSVP, but I’m pretty sure they did it as a joke. I don’t think anybody realizes how not much of a joke it is. I would really like to go out on a date as a thin person. I would like to cordially extend this exclusively Facebook invitation to JDate. If you will be in Houston on July 15, I am completely open to dating you. Also, I am open to dating you on any other date ever.

 In my previous blog entry I discussed how Facebook is becoming directly tied to online dating. Women will frequently want to check your Facebook to see if you are who you really say you are before providing a phone number.

Today I would like to talk about ways to make your Facebook account is worthy of those who check them. We want to update our profile with as many attraction builders as possible and avoid attraction killers at the same time. The following are a few suggestions for doing so:

1. Update your photo galleries. Infuse the pictures with attraction builders that create demand and high social value.

 2. Take down tagged photos that possess attraction killers. We don’t want any negative photos reducing attraction, showing us in a bad light, or making women think we are not exactly the most ideal candidates for a relationship.

3. Fix up that wall. If you have comments that show you in a bad light, take them down. On the flip side, keep comments that build value, especially ones from other women.

4. Don’t have too many messages from other women. Messages from multiple women show’s value (value is a key part of attraction building). Too many messages  will  make you look like a player and potentially have a negative effect.

Follow these guidelines and keep your Facebook profile in check.  These days this is more important than ever.

There is a new trend sweeping across the online dating world that is not going to slow down any time soon.

I refer to this as:  The Facebook identity check

The Facebook identity check is when a woman asks for your Facebook information prior to that final step of giving out her phone number.

The reason for this is she wants to ensure that you are who you really claim to be.  In addition, this will enable her to assess your personality, see what your interactions with friends are like, and judge who you truly are, as opposed to who you claim to be on dating sites.

It is very easy for people to be deceptive through online dating sites and trick potential daters.

On the flip side, it is very hard to be deceptive on Facebook unless you religiously monitor what is being tagged, commented, etc.

So guys, get your Facebook in check because this can make or break you.  Especially if your pick up comes during an instant messaging conversation.

All you males out there should also incorporate all the critical online dating tips of building attraction through your Facebook profiles (as we discussed how to do in previous blogs). Doing this is will not only prevent a last second fumble, but will take attraction to new levels.

How many times have you checked his or her Facebook? JDate Profile? Twitter? In today’s world it is incredibly easy to keep tabs on someone. Is there a benefit to doing this? Do the rewards outweigh the consequences? I have received countless emails on this very subject. I realize how tempting it can be to “spy”, but is it really worth it? Can it give us answers or set us up for suspicion and mistrust? The next time you find yourself tempted to look at someone’s cyber activity ask yourself the reasoning behind your behavior. Are you merely interested in updates or are you looking to catch the person doing something you believe they should not be doing? The cyber world is a great way to stay connected, but the pitfalls come into play when we use this means of communication as a launching pad for stalking-like behavior.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I was chatting with a guy online for at least a couple of hours the other night, and we decided to meet up the next night. The next evening we spoke about where we were going to meet. After his shower he called back only to say he had to cancel due to a family dinner. I said that was fine, things like this happen. I was just slightly disappointed, but definitely wanted to see him another time. He called back three minutes later and said he could get out of the dinner if I still wanted to go out, I felt bad and guilty at that point so I said not to worry about it. Then I get this long text explaining the situation, which I already understood. The next morning I found I had been de-friended by him on Facebook. Why go through all of the effort? Did my not wanting to go out after he said he could cancel, deter him? I mean he had to have known I was going to be upset that he was canceling, right? I’m confused. Did I give off the wrong vibe after the cancellation? Should I call or text him to see what was up? Could he just not be interested, even after all of the effort?

Dear Cancelled Date,

It sounds to me as if he is confused, not you. He made a date with you, cancelled the date, tried to get the date going again, texted you to further explain his situation, and then de-friended you on Facebook. I believe you were reasonable, especially after he cancelled the date, only to reschedule it three minutes later.  I’m not sure why you would even question if he was interested. It sounds as if you need to become disinterested in this guy. He would in all probability make you nuts. Can you imagine what it would be like a few months down the line if he treated you in this manner before your first date? My suggestion would be to not have any further contact with him, don’t call him, text, write, friend request, etc.  There are so many great guys on JDate waiting for someone like you; understanding and patient. Make time for these guys and forget about the ones that keep you on the roller coaster!

Signed,
Gems from Jen

A guy friend, who is a dating coach out in L.A., recently made a presentation at a dating conference.  As I curiously watched his clip posted on Facebook, I thought he hit his most salient advice to date:  Girls, don’t do a thing!  Hmmm…The beauty in its simplicity. You don’t have to do a thing besides look great, be friendly and some subtle flirting never hurt anyone.  A little frustrating, but true.  Think about it, how many times have you cared less about a potential prospect and despite your lack of attention that guy came on stronger and with more resolve.  And then, the times you sat there and analyzed, planned, gave hints, maneuvered, nudged…and got nowhere besides being frustrated.

Bottom line: If the man is interested, I agree with my male friend’s opinion…they will surely let you know.

A friend of mine just told me that after dating some dude she met a few weeks ago, they are now official. Guess how she found out? Apparently one morning after signing on to Facebook, she got a request asking her to verify that she and he are in fact, together. After sending out a silent prayer of thanks to Facebook for letting her know what in fact was happening in her life- she accepted the request, and that was that. There was absolutely NO communication on the subject. She just went from zero to relationship at the speed of light. So in an age where dates are scheduled through second hand parties, and texts count as love letters, is it really true that as far as emotions go people have the range of a teaspoon, and the attention span of a goldfish? Apparently so. You’ll be happy to know that said friend is, in fact, happy with the little love triangle between she, he & her 1,305 friends. And I’m fairly sure the cyber lovefest won’t hit its expiration date for at least another four months. I mean- when the most intimate conversations a couple has involve texting, how could it not? As much as I’d love to advise the clueless Cher to redirect herself into the arms of a guy that’s actually mature enough to remember how people communicated prior to the cellular age (and no, it did not involve the pony express,) I’ll have to let this cyber and cellular insanity run it’s course. I guess like Becky Sharp from days of yore, the title is in fact, the most important thing. Apparently this notion has parlayed it’s way into the hearts and minds of savvy cyber users everywhere. If she’s lucky, he might even propose on her wall! I’m sure I’ll get the event request- although the guestlist might be hidden- which will severely hinder my ability to scope out the hot single guys. If we’re really lucky, there might even be a status update! Charming.

Labels are complicated. Almost as complicated as stepping up to the plate to order a half-caf non-fat no whipped decaf concoction from your local barista. As soon as you label something, for example, your less-than-low-maintenance relationship, you find yourself and the beau to be on the fast track to turmoil. Why? Your guess, guys and dolls, is as good as mine. It has you switching up your Facebook status from “married” to “it’s complicated” and those following you on Twitter know the ins and outs of the latest cyber spat. I’m sure you know all too well the price you pay for donning designer dreads simply because of the complimenting label, and a rose by any other name would probably be cheaper. So it seems we’re all stuck between a rock and hard place, and the only way out is down. You found the right significant other to “insert witty banter here,” but as soon as you two exchange virtual vows and make it official on some cyber site, you end up tainting the terrific. Suddenly solitary confinement is anything but a sentence – it’s a vacation destination, and you want a one-way ticket. So, advice? Absolutely not ladies, that would be like the blind leading the blind, and the bruises I’d endure don’t match my couture. All I can say is I’m a happier girl when I scout something at the second-hand store, designer label-less, but with significant character. Vintage is the new, and mystery is the new black. So I’d refrain from the form of slavery known as relationship restrictions and keep it simple. Have fun and don’t worry about what to call it.