How many times have you checked his or her Facebook? JDate Profile? Twitter? In today’s world it is incredibly easy to keep tabs on someone. Is there a benefit to doing this? Do the rewards outweigh the consequences? I have received countless emails on this very subject. I realize how tempting it can be to “spy”, but is it really worth it? Can it give us answers or set us up for suspicion and mistrust? The next time you find yourself tempted to look at someone’s cyber activity ask yourself the reasoning behind your behavior. Are you merely interested in updates or are you looking to catch the person doing something you believe they should not be doing? The cyber world is a great way to stay connected, but the pitfalls come into play when we use this means of communication as a launching pad for stalking-like behavior.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I was chatting with a guy online for at least a couple of hours the other night, and we decided to meet up the next night. The next evening we spoke about where we were going to meet. After his shower he called back only to say he had to cancel due to a family dinner. I said that was fine, things like this happen. I was just slightly disappointed, but definitely wanted to see him another time. He called back three minutes later and said he could get out of the dinner if I still wanted to go out, I felt bad and guilty at that point so I said not to worry about it. Then I get this long text explaining the situation, which I already understood. The next morning I found I had been de-friended by him on Facebook. Why go through all of the effort? Did my not wanting to go out after he said he could cancel, deter him? I mean he had to have known I was going to be upset that he was canceling, right? I’m confused. Did I give off the wrong vibe after the cancellation? Should I call or text him to see what was up? Could he just not be interested, even after all of the effort?
Dear Cancelled Date,
It sounds to me as if he is confused, not you. He made a date with you, cancelled the date, tried to get the date going again, texted you to further explain his situation, and then de-friended you on Facebook. I believe you were reasonable, especially after he cancelled the date, only to reschedule it three minutes later. I’m not sure why you would even question if he was interested. It sounds as if you need to become disinterested in this guy. He would in all probability make you nuts. Can you imagine what it would be like a few months down the line if he treated you in this manner before your first date? My suggestion would be to not have any further contact with him, don’t call him, text, write, friend request, etc. There are so many great guys on JDate waiting for someone like you; understanding and patient. Make time for these guys and forget about the ones that keep you on the roller coaster!
Gems from Jen
A guy friend, who is a dating coach out in L.A., recently made a presentation at a dating conference. As I curiously watched his clip posted on Facebook, I thought he hit his most salient advice to date: Girls, don’t do a thing! Hmmm…The beauty in its simplicity. You don’t have to do a thing besides look great, be friendly and some subtle flirting never hurt anyone. A little frustrating, but true. Think about it, how many times have you cared less about a potential prospect and despite your lack of attention that guy came on stronger and with more resolve. And then, the times you sat there and analyzed, planned, gave hints, maneuvered, nudged…and got nowhere besides being frustrated.
Bottom line: If the man is interested, I agree with my male friend’s opinion…they will surely let you know.
A friend of mine just told me that after dating some dude she met a few weeks ago, they are now official. Guess how she found out? Apparently one morning after signing on to Facebook, she got a request asking her to verify that she and he are in fact, together. After sending out a silent prayer of thanks to Facebook for letting her know what in fact was happening in her life- she accepted the request, and that was that. There was absolutely NO communication on the subject. She just went from zero to relationship at the speed of light. So in an age where dates are scheduled through second hand parties, and texts count as love letters, is it really true that as far as emotions go people have the range of a teaspoon, and the attention span of a goldfish? Apparently so. You’ll be happy to know that said friend is, in fact, happy with the little love triangle between she, he & her 1,305 friends. And I’m fairly sure the cyber lovefest won’t hit its expiration date for at least another four months. I mean- when the most intimate conversations a couple has involve texting, how could it not? As much as I’d love to advise the clueless Cher to redirect herself into the arms of a guy that’s actually mature enough to remember how people communicated prior to the cellular age (and no, it did not involve the pony express,) I’ll have to let this cyber and cellular insanity run it’s course. I guess like Becky Sharp from days of yore, the title is in fact, the most important thing. Apparently this notion has parlayed it’s way into the hearts and minds of savvy cyber users everywhere. If she’s lucky, he might even propose on her wall! I’m sure I’ll get the event request- although the guestlist might be hidden- which will severely hinder my ability to scope out the hot single guys. If we’re really lucky, there might even be a status update! Charming.
Labels are complicated. Almost as complicated as stepping up to the plate to order a half-caf non-fat no whipped decaf concoction from your local barista. As soon as you label something, for example, your less-than-low-maintenance relationship, you find yourself and the beau to be on the fast track to turmoil. Why? Your guess, guys and dolls, is as good as mine. It has you switching up your Facebook status from “married” to “it’s complicated” and those following you on Twitter know the ins and outs of the latest cyber spat. I’m sure you know all too well the price you pay for donning designer dreads simply because of the complimenting label, and a rose by any other name would probably be cheaper. So it seems we’re all stuck between a rock and hard place, and the only way out is down. You found the right significant other to “insert witty banter here,” but as soon as you two exchange virtual vows and make it official on some cyber site, you end up tainting the terrific. Suddenly solitary confinement is anything but a sentence – it’s a vacation destination, and you want a one-way ticket. So, advice? Absolutely not ladies, that would be like the blind leading the blind, and the bruises I’d endure don’t match my couture. All I can say is I’m a happier girl when I scout something at the second-hand store, designer label-less, but with significant character. Vintage is the new, and mystery is the new black. So I’d refrain from the form of slavery known as relationship restrictions and keep it simple. Have fun and don’t worry about what to call it.
As the girls and I were sunbathing in Sheeps Meadow this past weekend in Central Park (with thousands of other folks “you may know” on facebook) a friend relayed a story of a guy who approached her at a party and asked, “Do girls like good or bad boys?” Her well-balanced answer: “Girls like interesting good guys.”
For all the single guys who are looking for a commitment, trust me, good guys do finish first. Admittedly, in my twenties, my standard response was I’m looking for a guy “with edge.” My mom continuously asked me what this “edge” actually meant? Looking back, “edge” equated to my lack of knowledge and self awareness of what I needed in a life partner in my twenties. There comes a time, usually in a lady’s thirties where “edge” is trumped by the desire to find a superhero aka a “good egg.” And, although bad boys may be fun for that Vegas vacation story, they are not usually the keepers.
Like Marvel or DC, I’m convinced Good traditionally trumps Evil and the “good guy” IS the hot commodity.
I don’t like aging myself. Who does really? Once in awhile you have to, and I guess this blog entry will do just that. It dawned on me the other night when I began to text message rather than pick up the phone that I have come into the modern age. When I was a teenager, I called. I had to gather the courage to dial a phone and speak. There was no texting, twittering, instant messaging, or e-mailing. I didn’t change my Facebook status every time the mood struck. If I wanted to know what was happening or how someone was, I picked up the phone, dialed, and had a live conversation with that person. Fast forward to today and there are countless means of communication with the outside world. How does this translate into today’s dating arena?
What is the protocol for dating and these modern modes of communication? Can you break up with someone via text messaging? Can you profess your love through an e-mail? Can you begin a relationship by declaring it on Facebook? Let’s face it; we are on JDate and meeting people in ways we would have never thought to be possible a few years back. It is a fantastic way to broaden our dating pools, but does this mean we are damned to communicate electronically once we have met someone that we are interested in dating?
My gut tells me no. Electronically communicating is a great first step, but once you begin to make plans to meet, communication ought to be continued over the phone. Electronic communication leaves a vitally important facet out-the voice nuances of the person you are speaking to that come through only with a live conversation. It also tells me that the person is willing to spend the time having a conversation. Emailing or any other electronic means of communication can be interrupted and/or prolonged. This idea might seem old-fashioned to some, but it really does help to curb misinterpretations and miscommunication; not to mention, messages/emails that are never received because they are stuck somewhere in cyber-space.
Keep the text messaging, emailing, and instant messaging short and sweet. Getting to know someone takes work and the more authentically this can be achieved, the better the chance is for a true relationship to follow.