Happy belated Mother’s Day to all you mamas out there. For the rest of you, the holiday just happened this past weekend, so I can’t remind you to get a gift. But, this is your cue to start planning for next year. Also, you might be wondering what mothers have to do with a dating blog. In case you forgot, this is a Jewish dating blog, so… everything! In fact, I know of two Jewish moms who actually created JDate profiles so they could shop for potential sons-in law. Seriously. Or at least to check out the local prospects and competition for their kids. (My mom is NOT one of them!) Letting your mom take the reins for a day or two: fun and potentially helpful. Giving her full control to search and send messages on your behalf? Not so much. So yeah, for better or for worse, moms have certainly earned their place in this column.
When it comes to moms and dating, my perspective is that of a single daughter with a married mom. But JDaters come from all family structures… some are single moms, some don’t have moms, and some are dating at the same time as their kids! (Does anyone know of a mother-daughter [or father-son] duo on here? So cute. I would love to feature them in a future column.) So as strange as it might sound to have your mom checking out the site to recommend pre-vetted profiles, imagine how it must feel to have your daughter (or grand-daughter!) do the same.
Would you let your mom write your profile on your behalf? On one hand, I’m sure it would be very glowing: “Little Davey is a brilliant, lovely young man with a heart of gold from a good family. He has a stable job and is confident and handsome.” On the other hand, no one knows your shortcomings quite like mama: “He is looking for a good woman to laugh at his poorly timed jokes and fold his laundry because his, on the rare occasion that he decides to wash it, is always stuffed into drawers with no order. He wasn’t raised to live like such a savage.”
When you marry someone, you marry the family. Similarly, if you’re dating someone, you might date the family too. And no matter how embarrassing or nosy or annoying your mom, your daughter, or anyone in the mishpacha might be, remember that they all want one thing in common: your happiness!
Bringing a date around babies is a great test to see what kind of instinct they have. Bringing a date around pets is another good way. If your date doesn’t want to hold the baby or pet the animal, then you’ll need to question why. That is, if you want to have babies or pets in your future (if you don’t then it’s a perfect match!). But most people are looking for a family of some kind in their future, and finding someone with a natural instinct and comfort around babies and animals is important. So once you get to the point of having to decide whether you want to get serious with someone, take them around your friends who are already settled down and see what their vibe is in a house with 2 kids and a dog.
The other day I was talking to a guy who went on an amazing date with a woman he met online. She was beautiful, funny, and perfect all around.
To make a long story short, his date informs him that she is extremely close with her family.
She texts and calls her mom a few times every time they are together. As time goes on, this goes from a little quirk, to just plain annoying. It’s one thing being close with family, but to deal with this multiple times every few hours adds up.
And while he does not want to hurt her feelings, he wonders if this should be addressed. When is enough ENOUGH?!
Is he wrong, or is too much family love a problem?
I had developed an amazing online relationship with a wonderful girl on JDate. We lived far from each other, though, so I knew that the relationship’s growth was futile. Still, we had a great time talking to each other. We shared relatively intimate things with each other online and soon decided to swap phone numbers. Now, things got real. I was texting and talking to a real person as opposed to another username on JDate. It was pretty exciting. I often told her tidbits of information that I would have never shared with her in an online conversation. She now not only knew basic information about me but she knew my social security number, the pin number to my debit card, my email password, and my greatest fear. Okay, she knew none of that, but she did know other information that couldn’t lead to identity fraud.
One day, I decided to take it a step further. I asked what she was doing via text message. She said she was studying for a test. I thought that was odd because I knew she wasn’t in school. I went with it, though. “Oh, okay,” I said. “Anything I can do to help?” “Who is this?” she asked. “It’s me, Jeremy.” “Jeremy, you know this is Meaghan, right?” “Of course I know that.” “This is Meaghan, your cousin.” Whoa, we were cousins? Why didn’t she tell me this pertinent information earlier in our phone relationship? Also, interestingly enough, I remembered that I actually had a cousin named Meaghan. Oh no.
Though I changed her name in this post to save myself from further humiliation, I believe that cell phones, especially ones that look and feel very technologically advanced, should include an important feature. This feature should allow users to be unable to save two different phone numbers under the same name. Though my story is sort of a worst-case scenario, this feature would be exceptionally helpful in preventing confusion about a person you are interested in dating and a person whose mother is your mother’s sister.
under Online Dating
I am very close with my family so what goes on in my personal life, including whom I’m dating, is considered an open forum for questions and conversation. However, since online dating can be a very fluid situation where you go out on several dates in a short period of time, I don’t necessarily feel a need to tell my family, or even my friends for that matter, every time I go out on a first date. In fact, I generally won’t mention that I am seeing someone to my family or friends until we have gone out on a few dates and I actually have something meaningful to tell people.
My rationale behind this approach is: Only when I finally meet someone I’m interested in seeing more frequently will everyone in my close circle of friends and family know about her. Unfortunately, this methodology doesn’t really fly with my family, especially my mom and sister. Before my sister met her current, serious boyfriend she went out on several dates with guys she met on JDate, and after each date she would give my mom the details about the guy and date.
As a result of how openly my mom and sister talked about her JDating® experience they both have taken that same approach with me. Recently, I told my mom about a woman that I was seeing since we had gone out several times and it was going well; however, before I had the chance to tell my sister about her, my mom did. As a result, the next time my sister and I were on the phone she grilled me about my new quasi-relationship and made me vow to give her the news, and details, before she heard them from my mom.
Even though it may seem strange to some people that I would talk to my mom and sister about who I’m dating I honestly don’t care because we are close and I don’t mind sharing aspects of my dating life with them. Therefore, after this recent situation where I ended up being scolded by my sister because she had to hear about my dating news from my mom, we’ve reached a compromise where I still won’t tell them the details about every date I go on, but will make sure to keep both of them in the loop and up to date about what’s going on in my dating life so they don’t have to heard it from the other.
Another year passes with the start of the holiday season. Nothing is better than the holiday spirit in NYC! Sure, did I think I’d be celebrating with my apparently LOST spouse and kids, hell yeah, but such is life and fate with its mysterious twists and turns. Fortunately, I’ll be spending it with my wonderful family, which always involves much laughter, thankfully some catering, and a great celebration with friends and family. During what has been an extraordinarily difficult time for many people this year, I am grateful for all my blessings and hope much joy, peace and easier times ahead for those affected by 2009.