Confirming Your Date

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating

You got matched up on JDate, exchanged a few emails, had a 10-minute phone call to make plans, and then, as the day approaches, what do you do? You need to confirm your date!

I am no fan of texting, but you should send a text at the very least to simply say, “Looking forward to seeing you tonight!” You should also send that text at least six hours prior to the date. If you need to exchange any more information than that — as in the time or place — then, call. Pick up the phone at least six hours in advance, if not the night before, to solidify the plans. Some people will have to make arrangements for childcare, or getting primped, and it is a show of common courtesy to assure them the date is on and to let them in on the plans.

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How High is Your Wall?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Single Life

Everyone has a wall up when dating (and if not, you should!), but there’s a difference between being careful to not reveal too much too soon and having your heart guarded by the U.S. Army Reserves.

On a first date, whether you met on JDate or not, keep it to the basics: where you grew up, where you studied, and where you work. You can also cover a VERY brief recap of your relationship history (divorced, widowed, children), where you’ve traveled, what your hobbies include, and more general topics like such. Your wall should keep you from revealing more than that in order to safeguard your heart. If you get into your sob story or discuss other intimate topics — and then never hear from your date again — you’ll be crushed that you opened yourself up to someone who is basically a stranger. Wait until something develops first. In the meantime, find commonalities and build on them, revealing a bit at a time so that your date knows that you’re interested and interesting.

Cussing & Courting

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Single Life

When you’re on a date, watch your language. Don’t use cuss words as it makes you look classless and tacky.

In general, the F word (as well as “c… u… next… Tuesday” and other crass words) should rarely be uttered on a date. However, when one of those words is needed for effect during storytelling, just make sure you excuse yourself afterwards. People who pepper their vocabulary with the more acceptable, like “d*mn” or “s***,” should also try to temper their language as it only reflects poorly on themselves.

Don’t pretend to be someone else; simply be your best self by not cursing constantly.

Don’t Drink the Haterade

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Single Life

What do you do when you’ve been on a great date and all your friends are hating? Look for an underlying reason:

  • Is your friend single, and could your friend perhaps be jealous?
  • Maybe your friend went out with the same date once and it didn’t go well?
  • Perhaps your friend is just trying to look out for you?

Recently my friend went on a first date with a bachelor who is, shall we say, popular on the dating scene. She was warned by no less than three people that he was a player. Aware of her date’s history, I went about doling out advice in a different way. I do know the guy, but I would have given her this same advice regardless of whether I knew him: every one is a player until they meet “The One.” Therefore she should be cautious, but not judge him just because he’s dated around.

You need to make the call for yourself after getting to know your date. Don’t allow others to factor into your opinion, but do make sure to keep the information tucked away so that you can’t say you weren’t warned. And if you’re on the other side of the equation, as the friend, then give your words of caution, but don’t hate. It will only make you look bad, regardless of the outcome.

Old-Fashioned is the New Fad

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Online Dating,Single Life

Dating the old-fashioned way is the way to date these days.

Chivalry is being resurrected. What does that mean? It means that men (or the more aggressive half of a same-sex relationship) are preferring to make the phone calls, plan the dates, pick the woman up at her home, pull out her chair, order on her behalf, pay the bill, and take the initiative for another date before leaning in for the first kiss. It’s not that they prefer women who don’t do these things, but most of the single men I’ve spoken with just want to be “The Man,” regardless of who they are dating.

The great thing about “dating the old-fashioned way” is that women can allow men to take these leads without giving up a sense of their independence. A woman can allow a man to “take care of her” simply because it feels good… not because she needs it. These are not gender stereotypes to be looked down upon negatively; each person will have ample opportunity to play whichever role in the relationship they feel natural settling into when that time comes, but until then, if a man wants to wine you and dine you — as many men seem to want to step into the role of doing — then let him.

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JDating with a Disability

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

A friend of mine was very excited about her newest JDate and took two hours to get ready, called me on the way for a pep talk and had high hopes. About three hours later I received a perplexed phone call from her. Her date didn’t have any hands. No prosthetics either. He was more than able to eat and drink and of course his physical disability had nothing to do with the great conversation — or the lack of chemistry — but she was also perturbed that he hadn’t mentioned it earlier because she was in shock. Nor did he address it during dinner and she didn’t feel comfortable doing so either. Even so, she was able to put that aside and enjoy the date and was disappointed when she didn’t feel anything romantic towards him. Yet, she was perplexed about why he wouldn’t have disclosed such an obvious physical disability ahead of time and asked me if that was wrong of her to feel that way.

Although I don’t necessarily think her date needed to write about it in his JDate profile, he could have broached the topic in their emails simply by saying that he has a physical disability which doesn’t hold him back from living a normal life but that he doesn’t want her to be surprised upon arrival. And he absolutely should have addressed it immediately upon meeting her as it becomes the elephant in the room otherwise. It doesn’t need to become a focal point, he should have just said something along the lines of “clearly I don’t have hands, this is why and what happened and how I operate” and let her ask a question or two and then move on. The same would go for a glass eye or a prosthetic leg or anything else that is visually obvious because although it is not a lie to not disclose it ahead of time, it is omitting something important. Of course there are mental disabilities that people don’t have to disclose and can keep under wraps but that’s another post which would be 10x as long!

Bite Your Tongue

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

There are some phrases people say that they probably would wish they could take back if they knew how the other person heard it, felt about it and reacted to it. Some are stupid, some are offensive, some are insensitive and some are just annoying. Think of these scenarios: you see a mom with two kids the same age who look exactly the same and you ask, “Are they twins?”… um, duh. Or when you meet a ginger and you exclaim, “You have red hair!” as if they didn’t already know that. Or when you run into a basketball player and say, “You’re so tall, how’s the weather up there?” as if he had never heard that joke before.

So when you’re meeting a JDate in person for the first time, try to stay away from making the obvious comments. Most people will just smile at these inane comments, but inside they’re cringing because they’ve heard them all before and are waiting to meet that special someone who has something original to say. 

Keeping it Real

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Who are you? Who are you with your friends, with your family, at work, on dates and in a relationship? Are you the same person or do you have different personas depending upon who you’re around? If you’re dating someone and begin introducing them to your family, friends and coworkers are they going to recognize you and your personality?

Everyone is on their best behavior during the first few dates with someone new, that’s understandable and acceptable, but if you make a complete 180 once you get serious or are around other people then you aren’t being real, and you’re not being fair to yourself or your date. Don’t be fake, that requires far too much effort, and you don’t want someone who likes you for who you are pretending to be.

WWJD — Nightcap

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

What Would Jew Do?

You’ve just been on an amazing first date with a JDate whom you really matched up with both online and in person. At the end of the night, the prospect invites you up for a nightcap (or a drink, or to continue talking, or to…) but you don’t know if you should accept the offer or not. What’s a Jew to do? If you accept the offer and there were sexual undertones that you didn’t expect then you may be sending the wrong signals and get yourself in a situation that you don’t want to be in — then again, now you know what type of person this date really is and you can dismiss the match as a dud. If you don’t accept, and the offer was purely innocent and not sexual then you might send the wrong signal that you’re the one not interested because you chose not to continue the date. Best bet is to very politely and charmingly turn down the offer and instead try to make plans to get together again right then and there. This way you are sending the right signals about the type of relationship you are looking for without having to reject your date.

WWJD – Rescheduling a JDate at the Last Minute

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

What Would Jew Do?

For whatever reason — a giant zit, a bad day at the office, bloating, or your ex calls and makes your head (and heart) spin — you need to reschedule a first JDate at the last minute… do you lie or tell a version of the truth?

This is where little white lies can work for you… you don’t need to expand upon your reasoning for rescheduling a date, just say something really important came up that you have to deal with and you apologize for the late notice but you need to move your date to another time. The important part of the conversation is to make another date right then and there, otherwise the other person will think you are just canceling in a “nice” way and blowing them off. So make sure you reschedule before hanging up and don’t put too much time between the date you’re canceling and the date you’re meeting.