There is a language for love and then there’s a language for finding love online—both, I whole-heartedly believe, take trial and error, and countless embarrassingly syntactical mistakes to master. But when learning how to present yourself and tame your feelings for a person you have just scrolled upon online, there is a certain etiquette to foster if you want to rendezvous in the real world.

Just like it took me some time to understand when to use the “Poke” button on Facebook (which is never), it also took me a bit of time to understand when to use and when to respond to messages in my JDate inbox that are “Flirt Messages,” (the standard template of one-liners JDate provides users).

• Do: Send a “Flirt Message” if you want to make someone smile, for a second, to show that you are thinking about them or interested. Follow up with a personal message that showcases a bit of your personality, and above anything else, that you took an extra couple of seconds to browse more than just their selection of glamour shot photos.
• Don’t: Use it as a cop out and send someone a “Flirt message” over writing your own personal note to them. Remember, your first message to someone doesn’t have to be a novel of questions or a five-paragraph essay. It can be a simple remark about something that caught your eye about them on their profile. Your chances will skyrocket that someone will respond back to a personal message over a standard template message.

Read more of Jen Glantz here.

Dear Tamar,

I am having difficulty meeting men in the city of Boynton Beach, FL where I live and I’m not a barfly.  So, I’m turning to JDate for a little help. I have been divorced for 5 years now and am definitely ready to be your next success story! Could you please give me any helpful advice/tips on how to make this a successful dating experience?  Do I need to make the first move?  Should something in my profile be changed? I would appreciate ANY advice/help to make this successful and a fantastic experience.  I will be joining within the next couple days. I look forward to hearing from you and thank you in advance for your help!

Dear Next Success Story,

I appreciate your eagerness to seek help. I know you’re not a barfly but find out when there’s going to be JDate event in your area for starters. Be honest about your divorce both on JDate and on dates but don’t give too much information too soon. Keep the details to a care minimum. Once you create your profile, go through all of your matches and start using the tools to Flirt! and so on in order to let the guys know you’re interested. Make sure you’re preferences are realistic but not too narrow. I think you’re enthusiasm will help you land a lot of dates quickly!

Dear Tamar,

I’ve belonged to JDate for many years, but the format has definitely changed.  I am 75 and want to see men 75-79.  HOW DO I GO ABOUT THIS???

Dear New Profile Format Help!,

It always takes me time to get used to new formats. It took me months to stop noticing and getting annoyed by the new Facebook and Twitter formats so I’m sure it’s frustrating when your favorite dating website changes things on you. But don’t fret, I’m here to help! First, take some time to explore the new site. Play with different levers: change your preferences, fill out the Color Code personality quiz, use the Click!® and Flirt features, send messages, play Secret Admirer or answer the fun trivia questions and so on. You have a realistic age range, so then be flexible and tinker with the other categories. Most importantly, be patient while you adjust to the new format.

Dear Tamar,

I’ve sent various messages to different guys trying to open my mind and my preferences. However, most of them do not even open my message whether it’s a flirt or an email. What should I do?

Dear Message Center Mystery,

Don’t give up. It can take dozens and dozens of flirts and emails before you receive the kind of response you want, or any response at all. I’m glad that you’re expanding your preferences, so now make sure your profile and messages properly reflect you. Double check your photos, especially the first one, to make sure it’s the best photo you’ve ever taken! Confirm that your “About Me” paragraph is cute and flirty and fun. In particular, make sure the first sentence is catchy. Remember that many people are not paid members of JDate which means they cannot check their email, so don’t consider every unopened email a rejection. Have a good friend – one whom will be brutally honest – critique your photos, profile and emails, as well as your preferences, to make sure that you truly are putting yourself out there.

Dear Tamar,

I have read the advice and followed all the recommendations (lots of pictures, upbeat, friendly, personal, identifying common interests, etc.), but have had limited activity.  If I could have a dime for every man that I have contacted who says, “thanks for your interest, but I have recently begun a serious relationship,” I’d be wealthy. I also find these same men trolling on JDate the next day and many days after. The second most common response is to just not answer. What can I do better?

Dear What Can I Do Better?

There are always things we can improve upon, but I commend you for making such a good effort. So listen — the guys who are telling you they’ve recently begun a serious relationship are trying to let you down easy. Give them credit for at least responding and not just ignoring you or replying with something rude. Girls do it too. I know I have before. On the same hand, not all the guys who don’t respond are rejecting you, they may just not have a paid membership and can’t check their email inbox. I suggest a profile makeover for starters, utilizing an honest male friend to help you edit. Narrow down the number of photos you use to just a few great ones and make sure your paragraphs are short but sweet, and not too revealing.  I would also recommend you scaling back a little — make sure the guys are viewing you and you’re viewing them, Hot List them, see if you Click! and Flirt. If you decide to initiate email contact (hopefully you’ll receive so many emails you won’t need to send one yourself…but just in case), make sure you’re not coming on too strong or exposing too much about yourself. Simply list what got your attention, something(s) you have in common and then let them know how to contact you if they are interested. Finally, don’t mention the negative experiences you’ve had on JDate at least until the 2nd date. Good luck!

I may have made a slight mistake the other night when I did something that I would definitely negatively judge someone else, either male or female, for doing. Inadvertently, I may have accidentally opened a conversation, and then flirted with, a good friend of a woman I met, and briefly dated, on JDate. However, I hope that those of you reading this will at least bear with me for the full story before coming to the verdict that I was either in the wrong, or just making an honest mistake.

Recently, I have been trying to be more active on JDate; engaging women by trying to start more IM conversations, and sending out more emails, all in an attempt to try to build up some confidence. The other night I saw a woman online that I thought was cute and, in keeping with my new mentality, I quickly clicked on her name to check out her profile. After a brief skim, I decided to IM her. Since she was wearing an Indiana University shirt in one of her photos, and I attended IU for my undergraduate degree, I thought, “So, are you a fellow IU grad?” was a decent way to open up the conversation.

After a minute or two of no response, I realized that she probably never got my IM because, while I was in the process of looking at her profile, she had gone offline.  Thus, my next move was to send her a flirt and this, once again, led me back to her profile for another in-depth look. Yet, while looking over her profile again and considering what else we might have in common, I began to put the pieces together that I knew this girl better.

23-years-old, special education teacher, Indiana University: I do know this girl. The light bulb illuminated in my head when I suddenly realized that she was a good friend of a woman I had recently dated.

Subsequent to this conclusion were immediate feelings of guilt because I had been trying to flirt with/hit on the friend of someone I had dated. Unfortunately, for me, there was no going back, especially since the IM and flirt had already been sent, and the perceived “damage” had been done. But was this mistake really that big of a deal? Did I really do something so terrible? It’s not like I asked her out on a date, or even kept pursuing her after I realized who she was. Come on. When I break it down in my head it really doesn’t seem that bad: I saw a cute girl online, attempted to flirt with her, realized my connection to her, and now feel silly about it. Sure, judge me if you must. But I’m ready to move on.

Dear Tamar,

I’m ready to meet someone special and after a long period of self reflection, I’ve refreshed my JDate profile to try again.  My profile is packed with information and the best photos I have of myself. I’ve even recruited my good female friends, who know me well, to check my profile and make suggestions to show myself in the best light. My messages to other members are personalized, upbeat and I try my best to refer to something I find interesting in their profile, but I’m still getting almost no responses. It’s becoming discouraging and as my confidence is fragile, I’m losing heart fast. What else can I do to make a positive impact and encourage others to reply? I’d really appreciate some advice. Thanks.

Dear Back in the Game,

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and have the right motivation, but patience and not letting rejection get the best of you are important traits to have in the dating game. You are getting some responses, so it’s not like your efforts are going unnoticed, but there are some things you need to be made aware of. For starters, if a JDate member is not a paid member that means she cannot access her mail and therefore, has no idea that you contacted her to begin with. Secondly, reassess your approach — are you coming on too strong too quickly? Did you repeatedly view, Flirt, Click!, Hot List, etc. before sending an email? Try using that approach first as it is similar to hitting on a girl at a bar (eye contact, smile, waiting for the hair flip, etc). Don’t give up hope and don’t stop trying — yes, you will get rejected but the more you try the better your odds will be at finding your beshert. Good luck!

Dear Tamar,

I just joined JDate but I haven’t really had any responses yet.  I’ve read a few profiles of men that I am interested in getting to know a little more.  Is it alright to send them an e-mail? How should I approach the message in the e-mail?

Dear Approach Attempt,

It’s definitely okay to send a message — or any other form of communication for that matter. I know it’s probably difficult as a woman to feel like you’re the one hitting on a man, but with more than half a million people on JDate, you need to help yourself get noticed. I suggest using Click!® first and if it’s a match then utilize Hot List and finally, send a Flirt. If you still have not heard from the guy at this point, you can decide whether to throw in the towel or send a subtle e-mail letting the guy know why you’re interested in him and that you’d like to be in touch. After that, it’s out of your hands, but at least you’re putting yourself out there! Good luck!

Dear Tamar,

I have been a long time on-again-off-again JDater®. I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong this time around. I obviously have not found true love but in the past, I have gotten to email, IM and meet lots of candidates. Now, I am constantly getting refusals to even IM?! Why don’t any of the guys want to IM? It’s not like I said something and they discontinue the conversation. They won’t even give me a chance?!?!?  Any suggestions??

Dear I’m Hating IM,

I can’t even begin to tell you how many people think they are getting rejected by someone via Instant Messenger when in actuality they are IMing someone who either isn’t at their computer, doesn’t know IM exists or how IM works, may be at work, may not have the necessary Flash program downloaded on their computer, or may be logged on to JDate but not have the screen up and therefore do not hear or see that they have an IM waiting for them. In other words, don’t fret. Instead, utilize the other JDate tools to let someone know you’re interested or to make contact: repeatedly view profiles, Hot List, Flirt, Click! and send e-mails. Don’t stop trying to make contact via IM, but don’t become a stalker and continue trying to make contact with someone who isn’t responding just in case they are getting your IMs and simply aren’t interested. Good luck!

Dear Tamar,

How do you know when there is interest on both sides? Also, if someone puts me on their Hot List, does that mean they think I’m hot? I’m new and need help learning.  Heeeeelllllllllpppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear JDate Newbie,

There are a few ways to tell if someone is interested in you. First, log on everyday and view the profiles of the guys that match your preferences, then check “who’s viewed you” to see who has checked you out. If the same person keeps checking you out every day, then that’s a pretty good sign that he or she is interested. Next, Hot List those who you want to know you are interested, and see who has Hot Listed you. Does it mean they think you’re hot? For lack of a better term, yes. It means they like your photos and profile and want to keep an eye on you and let you know they are into you. Utilize the “Click!” feature and click “Yes” and hope the other person does the same. That’s how you get results (JDate won’t tell you if one person clicked “No,” only if both clicked “Yes”)!  At this point, if you don’t want to make direct contact, you can send a Flirt or an e-Card. Eventually though, one of you needs to write the other person an e-mail or even an Instant Message if you are both online at the same time.  If you really want to meet someone then don’t hide that you’re online. Log on everyday and have a paid membership so you can utilize all the perks. Good luck!