Learning from the B*tch on The Bachelor

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Every season there’s a b*tch on The Bachelor. This season, Tierra takes the cake. She outdoes every previous villain in Bachelor franchise history. But (once again) it does lend some advice for dating.

First, who you are with your partner should be the same person you are when he or she is not around. If your mate only gets to see the fun, happy, smiley, peppy side of you, then he or she is not seeing the reality of who you are. Not everyone is cheerful all the time. And if every time you do cry or complain it has to do with other people hating on you, then don’t be surprised when your significant other is suspicious. No one is perfect all the time so don’t bother pretending to be.

Second, if you don’t have friends, then that’s a problem. Ladies without girlfriends and men without guyfriends are an issue. You have to ask yourself why you don’t have friends of the same gender because your mate is going to wonder why eventually as well. Are you difficult to get along with? Do you intimidate others? Do you always think everyone is attacking you or judging you? The older you get, the more important friends are (particularly friends of the same gender), so it’s time to make an effort because it’s both good for you and your relationship.

Ahhhh the things you can learn from The Bachelor!


Friendlier Than Friends?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Everyone has that friend whom you think of as “just a friend.” They accompany you out, you grab a bite to eat, you laugh, you’re there for each other, but for some reason you just don’t look at each other as anything more than a friend. You have the same values, are both single and are both looking. You get along fabulously, you enjoy each other’s company and you sometimes feel a little jealous when your friend introduces you to their latest date.

Have you ever attempted a romance with this friend? Have you ever looked at this friend with anything more than amiable feelings? Everyone has this vision of who they think they want, but when you have this amazing friendship with someone you trust then why not at least even consider the idea for a fleeting second? He or she may not have the exact physical attributes that you believe you want, but oftentimes attraction grows out of connection. If there isn’t any chemistry, then ignore this notion and don’t risk the friendship.

But if you can possibly see something really spectacular coming out of the relationship then make a few suggestive gestures. Touch his or her arm when you laugh, make eye contact and smile, linger a bit longer when you hug hello and goodbye, and see if any of it is reciprocated. Then, before it goes any further, talk about it. It could be the biggest risk you ever took resulting in the biggest reward.


See No Evil

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

You log on to JDate, enter in your most ideal, most specific, most targeted preferences and up pops… that-guy/gal-you’ve-grown-up-with-your-entire-life-who’s-basically-like-family-but-you-aren’t-technically-related. At this point 2 things will go through your mind. First, the “Oh my gosh I can’t believe THIS is my match!? He/She is totally not my type, aside form the fact that we’ve known each other our entire lives, we would never work!” And then, “hmmm… I’ve never thought of him/her that way, I wonder if that would work, JDate seems to think so, could we even go there?”

Proceed with caution. You don’t want to ruin a lifelong friendship and risk awkward family gatherings in the future. But it could be Beshert. Wait til the next holiday when your families get together and then flirt a bit and see what kind of response you get. Drop subtle hints about being single and find out his or her status. If there’s chemistry then it should be obvious. If you’re confident that it’s mutual, then suggest going out for drinks and see where it leads. If things get awkward then back off and save the friendship by changing the conversation to setting each other up on dates.


Don’t Forget About Your Friends

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Across the board, almost without fail, people tend to forget about their friends when they start a new relationship. It’s a nasty habit, and singles ought to make a pledge not to forget about the people who were there for them (and will be there for them if and when this current relationship ends). It’s always the same tune, different song: when you’re single and looking you surround yourself with your single friends for going out and your coupled-up friends for hanging out. Then once you start dating someone and it gets serious you instantly drop all your friends and become completely immersed in the new relationship. Your single friends are put by the wayside, and only once your relationship reaches the level of double-dating do you commence communicating with your coupled-up friends. Your single friends only resurface after you either have “The Talk” or break-up. That is, if they stick around long enough. I think it’s natural to want to hang out with other couples when you become one of them, but it’s sad when you lose sight of your devoted friends during a new phase in your life.

I understand why it happens: when you’re on the inside of something new, you want to spend all of your free time together, and when you can’t be together, you’re on the phone or texting or emailing because it’s new and exciting and you’re getting to know each other better and falling in love. And even if you do pay some attention to your friends, your mind wanders back to your new relationship, and you don’t focus well on listening to what they have to say. Or all you do is talk about your new relationship until your friends lose their minds.

When we’re the single friends being left out to dry we hate it, yet we do the same thing when it’s our turn. So let’s all make a promise not to forget about our friends (or bore them to death with every last detail of our new relationship) when we become somebody’s boyfriend of girlfriend. You will need and want your friends one day – whether this relationship makes it or not – so show them how much you appreciate them by not ditching them the minute you find love.


What About Your Friends?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Remember that TLC song “What About Your Friends?”
What about your friends?
Will they stand their ground?
Will they let you down?
What about your friends?
Are they gonna be low down?
Will they ever be around?
Or will they turn their backs on you?

Epic words, right? But across the board, almost without fail, people tend to forget about their friends when they start a new relationship. It’s a nasty habit and singles ought to make a pledge not to forget about the people who were there for them before and will be there for them if and when this current relationship ends.

It’s always the same tune, different song: When you’re single and looking to surround yourself with your single friends. Then once you start dating someone and it gets serious you instantly drop all your friends and being completely immersed in the new relationship. Your single friends are put by the wayside and only once your relationship reaches the level of double-dating, do you commence communicating — with your coupled-up friends. Your single friends only resurface after you either have “The Talk” or break-up. That is, if they stick around long enough.

I think it’s natural to want to hang out with other couples when you become one of them, but it’s sad when you lose sight of your devoted friends during a new phase in your life. I understand why it happens: When you’re on the inside of something new you want to spend all of your free time together and when you can’t be together you’re on the phone talking or texting or emailing because it’s new and exciting and you’re getting to know each other better and falling in love. And even if you do pay some attention to your friends your mind wanders back to your new relationship and you don’t focus well on listening to what they have to say. Or all you do is talk about your new relationship until your friends lose their minds. And the worst part is you’re so self-involved you don’t even realize what you’re doing.

When we’re the single friends being left out to dry we hate it, yet we do the same thing when it’s our turn. So let’s all make a promise not to forget about our friends (or bore them to death with every last detail of our new relationship) when we become somebody’s boyfriend or girlfriend. You will need and want your friends one day – whether this relationship makes it or not – so show them how much you appreciate them by not ditching them the minute you (possibly) find love.


Social Networking

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I was just wondering if JDate has a way for me to correspond with people just for social networking, aside from dating. I’m 38 and single and many of my friends are in relationships. I’d be interested in networking with other women for socializing, going to singles event, etc… Thanks!

Dear Social Networking,

I think utilizing JDate to find single girlfriends to hang out with is a great idea! Although there aren’t specific ways to do so, my advice is to go to JDate events being held in your area and meet other girls in person. It’s definitely easier to go to Jewish singles events with a buddy and there are, without a doubt, other gals on JDate whose friends are all married. I admit, I used to check out the other girls who would show up in the same searches as me and sometimes I would think to myself, “gee, we have a lot in common” or “wow, she looks like she would be a lot of fun to hang out with.” I never went so far as to email them, but I did think about it and I don’t think it would be wrong for you to do so.


Mirror Mirror on the Wall…

by GemsFromJen under JBloggers,Relationships

After a long day at work I had an interesting call from an old girlfriend. This particular phone call was enlightening to say the least. My old friend has been dealing with some interpersonal relationship issues in almost every area of her life. She had recently met a guy and began a friendship. She swore it was just a friendship, and I do believe she was telling herself this as well. She is an engaged woman and met this guy at work. They seemed to have a lot in common and they were just friends.  However, she did start to develop some feelings towards this guy.

When she called me I knew instantly something was wrong by the tone of her voice. The guy friend admitted he was engaged and told her he was developing feelings for her. He told her that a friendship between the two of them was impossible. She agreed to end the friendship and was incredibly angry and felt betrayed due to his lack of honesty regarding his engagement. She vented to me for about 20 minutes. She cried, was angry and appeared as if she had been scorned. I asked her if she shared with him that she too had a fiancé. To my surprise, she had not shared this info with her now ex-guy friend.

After discussing the matter with her, she came to the conclusion that perhaps she was so upset because she had not been honest with him and she knew it all along. She saw in him in what she dislikes in herself. It was as if she was looking in a mirror. A mirror tends to give an accurate reflection. My suggestion is to always look at qualities in another person that you don’t like.  See if those qualities apply to you. If they do, change might be necessary.