Lifitng the Holiday Darkness

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

A friend of mine was dumped two days before flying home with her boyfriend to meet her parents during the holidays. He cancelled his ticket of course, but she went home and tried to enjoy the holidays even though she was heartbroken and in shock. So not only did he crush her, but he was now going to ruin her vacation because she was going to spend all the time crying and moping and grieving. She needs to process the break-up, but she also should try to find a way to enjoy herself because it’s not often she flies home to be with her family. Use the holidays as an opportunity to start anew: Hanukkah is the holiday celebrating the miracle of light — find the items that bring you light and concentrate on them — and New Year’s is the perfect time for her to symbolically leave the drama of 2012 behind and move forward. Does it suck to be dumped right before the holidays? Absolutely. Does it suck to be alone during the holidays? Sure. But at the end of the day I bet you would rather be single then be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Be thankful that your ex didn’t  spend the holidays with you and create new memories and possibly have you falling deeper in love just to dump you right after.

Over and Out

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

How do you delete a man from your thoughts? How can you stop thinking about a man for whom you have strong feelings? I know it is over, but can’t stop wanting him back. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.


Dear Over and Out,

Getting over a guy (or gal) is tough when you have strong feelings, but try to think about it this way: do you want to be with a guy who doesn’t want to be with you? That’s one quick way to realize you deserve better. You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him.

Give yourself a little time to mope and then get back out there and start going on dates, dates and more dates. Treat yourself to a few guys who want to treat you nicely, allow yourself to enjoy the attention before automatically comparing this guy to your ex. And when you do make the comparison’s — because you will — make sure to also compare the bad stuff. You know, the guy who dumped you and broke your heart bad stuff. Remind yourself of all his negative traits and then make the comparisons. And just know that one day you will meet a guy who feels as strongly towards you as you feel towards him.

Disappearing Acts

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

I was on Facebook, catching up with “friends” when all of a sudden something caught my eye on the right side of the screen. It was a familiar picture listed under the “People You May Know” section and the name struck a chord. It was Greg, a guy I had dated pretty seriously in my mid-twenties until he disappeared off the face of the earth. Of course, by now I had gotten over Greg, the person, but what he had done to me had really hurt me and left a dating scar.

Greg and I met on JDate and spoke a few times on the phone before he took to me on an incredibly romantic first date. It was lunch at a really upscale restaurant on the water and afterwards we walked along the rocks. We made plans to see each other a few days later and soon enough we were seeing each other about twice a week except when one of us was out of town. When I hesitantly asked him if he would accompany me to a distant family member’s wedding he accepted without hesitation and was the perfect companion. We had a lot of fun together and even though we hadn’t had “the talk” there wasn’t any pressure or any doubt that we were headed in the right direction.

We had been seeing each other for two months when, for the first time, he didn’t call when he said he was going to call. I called him and, for the first time, he didn’t answer. I left a message but it was never returned. I waited a week and called again, no answer, left a message and never heard back. At this point I was beyond wary and wasn’t going to waste time stalking him but if he called me with a really good excuse I wasn’t going to give him grief either. He never did call and I never did see him again.

About a month later I ran into a mutual friend of ours and I asked her what was going on with him. She said she had recently bumped into him and his new fiancé. Speechless is not a strong enough word to describe how I felt at that moment. Chills went through my body, my heart started beating double time and I broke into a cold sweat. I don’t think I was asking too much for him to have simply called me after our last date and told me he had met someone and it was getting serious. That would have burned, yes, but at least it wouldn’t have as core-shattering as this news was.

I just don’t get why he couldn’t simply pick up the phone and break it off with me? Why would that be so difficult? I don’t care how non-confrontational someone is, it’s not like I could have slapped him through the phone (not that I would have) and he wouldn’t even have to look me in the eye. If I had started crying (which I wouldn’t have) all he’d have to do is end the conversation. It’s one thing to not call after a first date because it is, after all, just one date. But to completely disappear after two months of dating is rude and inexcusable.