My Life Is Swell

by JeremySpoke under Single Life

I’m starting to realize that my posts have been really depressing lately, and that some people may actually be coming upon them accidentally when googling my name in search of the other two people I know of in the world with the same name. I’m going to write some positive things about myself.

First, the cute girl at the gym no longer shows up. This would seem like a bad thing. However, this is great. The gym is the point in the day when I’m at my absolute worst. I wear old clothes. I’m sweaty, tired, hungry, and angry. I often scream while lifting weights, walking around, or even drinking water. I just hate being there. I pretty much scream the entire time I’m there. I don’t want people to see me at all, and if they do, I damn sure don’t want them to be attractive women. I want them to be old, hairy men. I’m so comfortable around old, hairy men. Partly because I know it’s what I will one day become, and partly because they don’t make me self-conscious and constantly make me smell my armpits, trying to convince myself that I washed my gym clothes the night before, when I know the last time they were washed was in 2011 when I had a washing machine and not a 70-gallon litter box.

Second, I figured out a way to groom my head-hair so that it’s not so obvious that it’s going away. For a while, I had to shave the area on my forehead where my hair was receding, in order to make the line straight. However, in doing so, the area that I shaved off was always shinier than the rest of my forehead. I have decided that if I let my hair grow a little bit longer, it can cover some of my shiny head. This may not seem like a a big thing but 1) It’s good for my self-confidence and 2) I couldn’t think of anything else going for me, and I was only on my second thing. My hair is at such a good length right now. If I hadn’t retired from dating a few weeks ago, I would have gotten married like three times by now.

Third, I’ve started wearing a nice shirt and tie every few days. This also does wonders for my self-esteem. Sitting at work in a Polo shirt is okay, but when I’m in a tie, everything is so much better. Anytime I start to feel sad or unsure about anything, I look down at my tie and realize how great I really am. When on the phone with a customer, it’s always like they know I’m in a tie. They say things like, “You sound really smart. Are you wearing a tie?” I answer, “Yes, I am. Now you understand how smart I am.” You see, smart people wear ties. Mark Twain regularly wore a bowtie. Albert Einstein wore a tie. Aristotle may have worn a tie when he wasn’t butt ass naked in a robe. I think self-confidence has a lot to do with intelligence. How many epiphanies have you had in a tank top and sandals?

Hopefully by next week, I’ll actually have something tangibly good going on in my life. Until then, I’ll have to keep looking for the little things. Marry me?

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