under Online Dating
It appears that some people — both men and women — have forgotten some of the signals of what someone who isn’t interested in you looks like. When he (or she) is just not that into you, he/she:
- doesn’t call you
- doesn’t ask you out on dates
- doesn’t kiss you
- doesn’t flatter you
- doesn’t remember you
- doesn’t think about you
- doesn’t text you
- doesn’t respond to your texts or add to any continuity of a conversation
If you find yourself making all the moves, trying to create opportunities for your crush to notice you, and continuosly reaching out to someone who doesn’t engage, then it’s time to recognize that he or she is just not that into you. You can’t take it personally. If you are practicing poly-dating, which I address in my book How to Woo a Jew: The Modern Jewish Guide to Dating and Mating, then you should have other prospects in rotation and one so-called “rejection” shouldn’t make you skip a beat. Plenty of other people will be into you, don’t worry about the few who aren’t. You will never receive a satisfactory explanation as to their disinterest so don’t even bother asking.
under Date Night
After you begin connecting with someone on JDate there’s a balance of power that shifts continuously. Who wrote the last email? Who sent the last text? Who made the last phone call? It’s all part of the game… and it sucks, but you’ve got to play ball. If you were the last one at bat (emailing, texting or calling), then give the other person a chance to hit (contact you).
Enough with the symbolism… if you take a step a back and realize that you’re doing most of the contacting, planning, talking, following up, and so on, then perhaps the other person is not so into you. It’s tough to admit, but they may just be bored and have nothing else to do, and you’re such not bad company to pass the time. Sorry.
To borrow a well-known line… if he or she is not contacting you, then they’re just not into you.
I don’t hear from some men for days, weeks, months even! Then they just act like everything’s fine and we can pick right up where we left off. It doesn’t work that way. There’s a certain rhythm to relationships, and I can’t get into a groove with someone I only hear from sporadically. These are eligible men, but we just never get anything off the ground because they can’t manage to communicate regularly. I call them prairie dogs — they pop up (text, text, text), then disappear (silence… a week goes by), then pop up again (text, text), then gone. And repeat! Some guys text me like that for months, never materializing, till I finally have to say, “Please stop.” It gives new meaning to the term “long-distance relationship.” The guy’s around the corner, but emotionally he’s light years away.
So what’s the ‘right’ timing for keeping in touch in early courtship?
Dear Rhythm and Timing,
Great question. The answer is obvious, but hard to face. If a guy were interested he would call — NOT TEXT — regularly in early courtship in order to make plans to see you as often as possible. A guy who texts you sporadically is simply trying to keep you hooked for when he’s bored or lonely. I know that stings. It sucks. But it’s the truth. If you don’t hear from a guy for a week or more between texts, then don’t wait for him to do it again. Tell him to stop. A guy who wants to date you will call within a couple of days of meeting you (or asking for and receiving your number on JDate), and will make plans with you for within the week. He will call you again to confirm the date and he will call you shortly after the date as well. Don’t confuse attention with interest.
I had a magical first date about a week ago. We went to the park and we didn’t even have any of the usual first date questions. It was perfect. He asked me to hang out that next Monday, but cancelled because he was stuck at work. He rescheduled for Tuesday, but cancelled again. He said he would have a better schedule next week. On Thursday he texted to tell me he’d been thinking about our kiss all day and asked if I could come over for a short visit, but I couldn’t.
I tried to arrange a meet up this weekend, but he couldn’t commit. What do you think? I should just write him off, right? I mean if he wanted to hang out with me he would have contacted me to arrange something by now, right?
Dear Am I Getting Blown Off?
It doesn’t sound too promising, but you know that already. In my honest opinion, no one is ever too busy to see someone they like. And asking you to “come over for a short visit” sounds like he was trying to see if you were willing to hook up. He knows you’re interested and you hung around while he stringed you along, so he tried to arrange a hook up and it failed, which is why your attempt at weekend plans failed too.
It’s unfortunate but a lot of people – guys and girls – are smooth talkers and know what to say on a date to lure you in and make you feel like your date was the best.one.ever. I wouldn’t be surprised if other girls experienced the same thrill you did on your date. I remember dates like those where I went home feeling the same way you did – this guy was different and in a really good way… and then I either never heard from him again or on the second date his true colors came through.
Save yourself the grief and move on now before you give this loser any more of your time and energy.