Rhythm and Timing

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I don’t hear from some men for days, weeks, months even! Then they just act like everything’s fine and we can pick right up where we left off. It doesn’t work that way. There’s a certain rhythm to relationships, and I can’t get into a groove with someone I only hear from sporadically. These are eligible men, but we just never get anything off the ground because they can’t manage to communicate regularly. I call them prairie dogs — they pop up (text, text, text), then disappear (silence… a week goes by), then pop up again (text, text), then gone. And repeat! Some guys text me like that for months, never materializing, till I finally have to say, “Please stop.” It gives new meaning to the term “long-distance relationship.” The guy’s around the corner, but emotionally he’s light years away.

So what’s the ‘right’ timing for keeping in touch in early courtship?

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Dear Rhythm and Timing,

Great question. The answer is obvious, but hard to face. If a guy were interested he would call — NOT TEXT — regularly in early courtship in order to make plans to see you as often as possible. A guy who texts you sporadically is simply trying to keep you hooked for when he’s bored or lonely. I know that stings. It sucks. But it’s the truth. If you don’t hear from a guy for a week or more between texts, then don’t wait for him to do it again. Tell him to stop. A guy who wants to date you will call within a couple of days of meeting you (or asking for and receiving your number on JDate), and will make plans with you for within the week. He will call you again to confirm the date and he will call you shortly after the date as well. Don’t confuse attention with interest.


Am I Getting Blown Off?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I had a magical first date about a week ago. We went to the park and we didn’t even have any of the usual first date questions.  It was perfect. He asked me to hang out that next Monday, but cancelled because he was stuck at work. He rescheduled for Tuesday, but cancelled again. He said he would have a better schedule next week. On Thursday he texted to tell me he’d been thinking about our kiss all day and asked if I could come over for a short visit, but I couldn’t.

I tried to arrange a meet up this weekend, but he couldn’t commit. What do you think? I should just write him off, right? I mean if he wanted to hang out with me he would have contacted me to arrange something by now, right?

 

Dear Am I Getting Blown Off?

It doesn’t sound too promising, but you know that already. In my honest opinion, no one is ever too busy to see someone they like.  And asking you to “come over for a short visit” sounds like he was trying to see if you were willing to hook up. He knows you’re interested and you hung around while he stringed you along, so he tried to arrange a hook up and it failed, which is why your attempt at weekend plans failed too.

It’s unfortunate but a lot of people – guys and girls – are smooth talkers and know what to say on a date to lure you in and make you feel like your date was the best.one.ever. I wouldn’t be surprised if other girls experienced the same thrill you did on your date. I remember dates like those where I went home feeling the same way you did – this guy was different and in a really good way… and then I either never heard from him again or on the second date his true colors came through.

Save yourself the grief and move on now before you give this loser any more of your time and energy.