Courtship & Communication

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I’m wondering if I’m old-fashioned, have expectations that are too high, or if men these days are ignorant of courtship-know-how….or maybe all the above?  So many emails I receive from men seem like form letters (i.e. “we have so much in common”) with nothing personal to me, no mention of why they’re writing to me, what interests them about my profile or anything that would make me want to reply. It seems many men no longer think they have to do anything to please a woman or win her over. I’m not playing hard to get, but I do want to be courted. If I take the initiative and write first, I do what I’m asking for by making positive acknowledgements of things I resonate to in the man’s profile.  What feedback or suggestions can you give me on this issue? Thank you!

Dear Courtship & Communication,

I don’t blame you for wanting more from an initial email and for wanting to be courted. I feel very strongly about both men and women spending time to make sure an email is personal and personalized — otherwise why bother? I don’t believe that all hope is lost in the search for a man who still believes in courting a woman, but you will have to continue to sift through the rough to find the diamonds. (Many men probably feel the same about finding a real lady, by the way.) My advice would be to continue what you’re doing by practicing what you preach in your emails, but also to give some of the men a chance. As much as you’re frustrated, they are as well, which has led to them sending what may seem like form letters. Write these guys back and see if their follow-up email is any better. You have nothing to lose, right? Good luck!


High Standards Syndrome

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I know this may seem like a hard question to answer, but when Jewish girls are looking to date a Jewish guy, why do they have really high standards that no one can meet?  Every girl I’ve come in contact with on JDate is looking for someone that doesn’t exist.  For instance, I’ve met some girls who are still in school but are looking for a guy who already has his bachelor’s degree even though they haven’t yet graduated.  I understand the whole security thing with a job and degree, but is there a reason why girls on this site can’t look into the near, immediate future instead of so far down the road?

Dear High Standards Syndrome,

It may sound surprising to you, but there are guys on JDate who are just as picky and unrealistic! But that’s beside the point and I want to address your question and not just go on the defensive (hiding my smirk). It sounds like many of the girls you have experienced on JDate are on the younger side and I bet they will adjust their preferences as they get older and find that their idea of a perfect man doesn’t exist. In the meantime, I’d suggest you alter your preferences and look for women a bit older and who already have their bachelor degrees so you don’t run into the type of women you’ve described above. No matter what though, there are always going to be women who think they are the cat’s meow and believe they deserve the smartest, richest, most handsome guy out there even if they aren’t bringing the same attributes to the table. Luckily, your princess radar seems to be working, so simply eliminate these immature women with unrealistically high standards as soon as you see the signs. But, be cautious because sometimes a lamb is hiding in sheep’s clothing. Some women would rather set the highest standards for themselves and then decide which to compromise on when a good guy comes along — as they could do with you if only they would give you a chance and you would give them some leeway. I, on the other hand, always did the opposite: I set medium height yet realistic standards and waited for a guy to come along who surpassed my expectations. Try to hold back from judging the women too quickly as oftentimes women (as well as men) on JDate tend to come with an overly-confident attitude at first because they’re simply scared. Good Luck!