I’ve been a JDate member for about four months and have been chatting with someone since July. In our 1st chat he gave me his personal email, but since then his profile has been unavailable. What does it mean?? He’s a widow and really interesting…but something weird is going on. He told me he lives in NYC, but he’s been in Egypt for a month…and if I ask something personal he doesn’t answer. How do I know if he is telling the truth??
Dear Truth Teller,
If you have to ask the question then you probably already know the answer. This guy sounds super sketchy. He’s interesting because he’s making up interesting stuff to impress you. He’s totally unavailable and doesn’t reveal anything personal about himself. I would even go so far as to say he is either married or, at the very least, in a serious relationship. Sorry, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he sounds shady and I would suggest you block him, forget about him and move on to better (i.e. honest) men. If you feel like it, call him out on his conniving ways before you block him, but definitely forget about this loser! Good Luck!
After a long day at work I had an interesting call from an old girlfriend. This particular phone call was enlightening to say the least. My old friend has been dealing with some interpersonal relationship issues in almost every area of her life. She had recently met a guy and began a friendship. She swore it was just a friendship, and I do believe she was telling herself this as well. She is an engaged woman and met this guy at work. They seemed to have a lot in common and they were just friends. However, she did start to develop some feelings towards this guy.
When she called me I knew instantly something was wrong by the tone of her voice. The guy friend admitted he was engaged and told her he was developing feelings for her. He told her that a friendship between the two of them was impossible. She agreed to end the friendship and was incredibly angry and felt betrayed due to his lack of honesty regarding his engagement. She vented to me for about 20 minutes. She cried, was angry and appeared as if she had been scorned. I asked her if she shared with him that she too had a fiancé. To my surprise, she had not shared this info with her now ex-guy friend.
After discussing the matter with her, she came to the conclusion that perhaps she was so upset because she had not been honest with him and she knew it all along. She saw in him in what she dislikes in herself. It was as if she was looking in a mirror. A mirror tends to give an accurate reflection. My suggestion is to always look at qualities in another person that you don’t like. See if those qualities apply to you. If they do, change might be necessary.
As unromantic as it sounds, the Internet has commoditized dating. And differentiation among profiles and marketing are key components. But where does marketing cross the line when the truth is no longer the whole truth? Peoples’ own perceptions of themselves aren’t often recognizable in reality. Pertinent facts are changed, misrepresented or left out. I have heard numerous stories on this point from BOTH genders. It seems the most common form comes in putting up a fake or old picture, changing one’s age and height. Does he/she really not think we will notice the difference between 5’11 and 5’7 or size two and ten? Is this a crime? If the initial introduction starts out with misrepresentations, is everything after it doomed?
Everyone seems to have their own distinct opinion on this matter. If one meets serendipitously, it seems the check boxes are more forgiving. It no longer matters as much that the cutie is divorced with kids. However, when utilizing an online dating system, there needs to be some criteria. I have waivered and have heard the views of both genders. Even though I “get” marketing and online relationships can feel commoditized until an in-person connection is formed, ultimately, relationships are about human connections and trust. And once violated, this is hard to regain in any circumstance. I’m not an advocate of lying, but I think I fall on the fence. If you feel you must be less than 100% honest (hiding the fact that you are separated, altering your age or height) in the search criteria, this relevant information must be revealed somewhere in your actual profile or in your initial email/conversation. If the person you are communicating with hasn’t taken the time to read your profile, who are you to be blamed for not telling the whole truth? And if such criteria are set in stone – why would you want to be with someone so narrow minded. The truth, the whole truth, seems like the way to go.