What Can I Do Better?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I have read the advice and followed all the recommendations (lots of pictures, upbeat, friendly, personal, identifying common interests, etc.), but have had limited activity.  If I could have a dime for every man that I have contacted who says, “thanks for your interest, but I have recently begun a serious relationship,” I’d be wealthy. I also find these same men trolling on JDate the next day and many days after. The second most common response is to just not answer. What can I do better?

Dear What Can I Do Better?

There are always things we can improve upon, but I commend you for making such a good effort. So listen — the guys who are telling you they’ve recently begun a serious relationship are trying to let you down easy. Give them credit for at least responding and not just ignoring you or replying with something rude. Girls do it too. I know I have before. On the same hand, not all the guys who don’t respond are rejecting you, they may just not have a paid membership and can’t check their email inbox. I suggest a profile makeover for starters, utilizing an honest male friend to help you edit. Narrow down the number of photos you use to just a few great ones and make sure your paragraphs are short but sweet, and not too revealing.  I would also recommend you scaling back a little — make sure the guys are viewing you and you’re viewing them, Hot List them, see if you Click! and Flirt. If you decide to initiate email contact (hopefully you’ll receive so many emails you won’t need to send one yourself…but just in case), make sure you’re not coming on too strong or exposing too much about yourself. Simply list what got your attention, something(s) you have in common and then let them know how to contact you if they are interested. Finally, don’t mention the negative experiences you’ve had on JDate at least until the 2nd date. Good luck!


Back in the Game

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I’m ready to meet someone special and after a long period of self reflection, I’ve refreshed my JDate profile to try again.  My profile is packed with information and the best photos I have of myself. I’ve even recruited my good female friends, who know me well, to check my profile and make suggestions to show myself in the best light. My messages to other members are personalized, upbeat and I try my best to refer to something I find interesting in their profile, but I’m still getting almost no responses. It’s becoming discouraging and as my confidence is fragile, I’m losing heart fast. What else can I do to make a positive impact and encourage others to reply? I’d really appreciate some advice. Thanks.

Dear Back in the Game,

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and have the right motivation, but patience and not letting rejection get the best of you are important traits to have in the dating game. You are getting some responses, so it’s not like your efforts are going unnoticed, but there are some things you need to be made aware of. For starters, if a JDate member is not a paid member that means she cannot access her mail and therefore, has no idea that you contacted her to begin with. Secondly, reassess your approach — are you coming on too strong too quickly? Did you repeatedly view, Flirt, Click!, Hot List, etc. before sending an email? Try using that approach first as it is similar to hitting on a girl at a bar (eye contact, smile, waiting for the hair flip, etc). Don’t give up hope and don’t stop trying — yes, you will get rejected but the more you try the better your odds will be at finding your beshert. Good luck!


Death to Dating

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

Month after month, the same faces seem to gaze upon you from the computer screen as you peruse JDate, searching, hoping that the discovery of a new face will appear. And you hope and wait and pray that this find will be a perfect match, both of you Hot-Listing each other, sending Flirts, messages and finally exchanging phone numbers only to meet up and unearth your beshert. But month after month this is not to be and your JDate prospects seem to be thinning as quickly as your boss’s hairline. Frustration sets in.

Date after date, the faces sitting across from you begin to all look alike, memories of those dates turn into a redundant void, lacking chemistry and stimulating conversation.  Even still, you hope, wait and pray before each date that this time will be different; this time your interest will be piqued, and there will be instant attraction, and you won’t want the night to end. But date after date this is not to be and the possibility of finding your beshert seems to be disappearing faster than the alcohol at an open bar wedding reception. Frustration turns to indignation.

So what’s a single Jew to do? Before you become so cynical you can’t see straight, I suggest reevaluating what YOU want out of life, out of a mate. Talk to any of your single friends, of any gender, any age, in any city and you’ll be quickly comforted by the fact that you’re not alone in your misery. Reevaluate your priorities: where do you want to go in your career? Are you spending enough quality time with family and friends? Are you eating well and exercising? Take a step back and take some “you” time and then give your JDate profile a facelift.

Once you’ve put everything into perspective and finished your profile makeover (new photos, new screen name, new paragraphs and most of all, new attitude) you’ll not only begin attracting potential dates like a moth to a flame, but you’ll be the *NEW* face on the screen and faces that once blended into the background will now stand out. Try it and good luck!


What’s My Problem?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I have been on JDate for a few weeks now and I have not gotten any emails or IM’s. What is wrong with me, my pics or my profile?

Dear What’s My Problem?

It could be both! If you doubt your pics and profile, then it sounds like you need to revisit both. Employ a trusted friend or family member to critique your photos and profile. This person should have your best interests at heart and you need to be open to what they suggest. The pictures you may think are good may not be as flattering of you may think. Remember that others see you as up to 20% better looking than you see yourself, so if your confidant wants you to use other pictures you should listen. Then, let your confidant edit your About Me profile to his or her heart’s desire because the written word is only as good as the person reading it. Once you’re done, you will get the super-cool “New” icon and will be at the top of searches, enabling you to catch someone’s eye who may have overlooked you before. And remember to Click!® and Hot List people you like so they know you’re interested and will feel secure sending you an email. Good luck!


Approach Attempt

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I just joined JDate but I haven’t really had any responses yet.  I’ve read a few profiles of men that I am interested in getting to know a little more.  Is it alright to send them an e-mail? How should I approach the message in the e-mail?

Dear Approach Attempt,

It’s definitely okay to send a message — or any other form of communication for that matter. I know it’s probably difficult as a woman to feel like you’re the one hitting on a man, but with more than half a million people on JDate, you need to help yourself get noticed. I suggest using Click!® first and if it’s a match then utilize Hot List and finally, send a Flirt. If you still have not heard from the guy at this point, you can decide whether to throw in the towel or send a subtle e-mail letting the guy know why you’re interested in him and that you’d like to be in touch. After that, it’s out of your hands, but at least you’re putting yourself out there! Good luck!


I’m Hating IM

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I have been a long time on-again-off-again JDater®. I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong this time around. I obviously have not found true love but in the past, I have gotten to email, IM and meet lots of candidates. Now, I am constantly getting refusals to even IM?! Why don’t any of the guys want to IM? It’s not like I said something and they discontinue the conversation. They won’t even give me a chance?!?!?  Any suggestions??

Dear I’m Hating IM,

I can’t even begin to tell you how many people think they are getting rejected by someone via Instant Messenger when in actuality they are IMing someone who either isn’t at their computer, doesn’t know IM exists or how IM works, may be at work, may not have the necessary Flash program downloaded on their computer, or may be logged on to JDate but not have the screen up and therefore do not hear or see that they have an IM waiting for them. In other words, don’t fret. Instead, utilize the other JDate tools to let someone know you’re interested or to make contact: repeatedly view profiles, Hot List, Flirt, Click! and send e-mails. Don’t stop trying to make contact via IM, but don’t become a stalker and continue trying to make contact with someone who isn’t responding just in case they are getting your IMs and simply aren’t interested. Good luck!


JDate Newbie

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

How do you know when there is interest on both sides? Also, if someone puts me on their Hot List, does that mean they think I’m hot? I’m new and need help learning.  Heeeeelllllllllpppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear JDate Newbie,

There are a few ways to tell if someone is interested in you. First, log on everyday and view the profiles of the guys that match your preferences, then check “who’s viewed you” to see who has checked you out. If the same person keeps checking you out every day, then that’s a pretty good sign that he or she is interested. Next, Hot List those who you want to know you are interested, and see who has Hot Listed you. Does it mean they think you’re hot? For lack of a better term, yes. It means they like your photos and profile and want to keep an eye on you and let you know they are into you. Utilize the “Click!” feature and click “Yes” and hope the other person does the same. That’s how you get results (JDate won’t tell you if one person clicked “No,” only if both clicked “Yes”)!  At this point, if you don’t want to make direct contact, you can send a Flirt or an e-Card. Eventually though, one of you needs to write the other person an e-mail or even an Instant Message if you are both online at the same time.  If you really want to meet someone then don’t hide that you’re online. Log on everyday and have a paid membership so you can utilize all the perks. Good luck!


Flattered and Frustrated

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,JFacts,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

In the past I feel like I always took JDate too seriously.  I now have a more laidback approach and find it to be a lot more fun and challenging. I have had a lot of pursuers, but I haven’t found anyone that I am interested in. When I thought I found the “man of my dreams,” he didn’t respond to any of my e-mails! He sent me a Mother’s Day eCard but hasn’t responded to my subsequent emails. On occasion he will view my profile, but no message. What’s up with that? I don’t get it! Why are they there if they show interest and don’t respond? Please explain.

Dear Flattered and Frustrated,

I remember that high you get when you check “who’s viewed me” and see the hot guy you’ve been keeping tabs on. And I remember how quickly that high dissipates when you realize all he’s done once again is view you and not contact you. And then my paid membership ran out and before I renewed I realized the constraints that a free membership places on JDaters®. It sounds like this guy could have a free membership, which means he can’t write emails or read the emails in his inbox and he can’t send instant messages although he can receive and respond to them. He can, though, send eCards, Flirts, Hot List and view you to his heart’s desire. That means if he’s interested in you, he will keep viewing your profile until you contact him in a way that he can respond to. In other words, you’re going to have to cyber stalk him until you are both signed on at the same time so you can send him an IM. And what that means is that you have to put your pride on the line one more time. If the IM doesn’t get you anywhere, then it’s time to cut your losses and move on, because he is obviously not the man you thought he was. Good luck!