under Date Night
You’re only as stupid as you act. If you act stupid on a first date then don’t be surprised when there isn’t a second date. Acting stupid includes getting drunk, being too sexual, revealing too much, complaining and/or boasting about money, among other things. Act yourself, but act appropriately. No one wants to have to drive you home because you’re too drunk to drive, no one wants to have to continuously slap your hand off their thigh, or listen to you discuss your family drama, or feel guilty about ordering an appetizer AND an entree. They may want to have a drink with you, give you a kiss goodnight, bond over the generic Jewish mother jokes or discuss the low interest rates. First dates are not for the same discussions you have with your best friend or your therapist. You’ll have enough time once you’re married to act dumb.
Conversely, beauty is as beauty does. You’re only as beautiful as you act. The most beautiful person in the world with nothing between the ears loses their luster pretty darn quickly.
The moral? Put a smile on your face and don’t act a fool. You’ve gotta start somewhere!
I can now admit that I didn’t always used to act very lady-like when a waiter would get my order wrong. See, I’m allergic to onions and I always say “no onions please” when I order my food but 9 times out of 10 my food arrives with scallions sprinkled on top. Um, did you know that scallions are a form of onion? I did. So are chives. Shocker right? Well, the waiter and/or cook must not be educated on this topic and it irks me to no end. I used to lose my cool, give dirty looks, speak in a nasty tone and just be plain rude. Would I get a new dish without onions that was probably comped (and spit on)? Sure. But it would also ruin our dinner.
I was totally unaware of my behavior but others were not. Finally, my then-boyfriend-now-husband let me know and told me he wouldn’t stand for it and found it to be a huge turn-off. He told me the cold hard truth – I was embarrassing myself and the people I was with (including him) by acting like an ungrateful, spoiled brat. He asked me if I wanted people to think of me in an ugly manner. Of course the answer was no. He told me that if I didn’t change he would have to seriously rethink our relationship because he wouldn’t marry somebody who didn’t respect the hard-working people of the service industry. Obviously that got my attention. I was completely oblivious to my own facial expressions and tones but I was aware when others acted in an ugly manner in restaurants or stores and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want others to look at me that way anymore, especially not my significant other.
So I changed and for the better. I order more specifically and make sure to show the waiter a smile and appreciation for having to customize my order. Does my food still arrive with onions sometimes? Sure. But I recognize how hard the waiter is working and sweetly ask for my food to be replaced. My now-husband is incredibly proud of me and recently when the waiter got my order wrong three times in a row he was impressed by my self-restraint and ability to keep my composure.
It doesn’t matter if you’re on the worst date ever, don’t lose your cool on the waiter. It’s okay to be thought of as that person there was no chemistry with but you don’t want to be remembered as rude. And if you’re on a date that’s borderline – still being decided if it’s going well or not – you don’t want to influence it for the worse because you were inconsiderate. Finally, if a date is going great, don’t ruin it by being ungrateful and impolite.
Women always say they want a man who treats his mother well, but it’s more telling how he treats the waiter. If he thinks the waiter is his personal servant it’s likely he’ll think of you that way, too, one day. And ungrateful women will most definitely be categorized as snobs and no one wants to marry a snob. You may say you don’t care what people think of you but you also don’t want to be thought of anything less than positive, right?
It’s the little things like saying “please” and “thank you” and actually meaning it that go a long way. It shows you are mature, have good manners and understand the value of hard work. Those are the virtues to want in your husband or wife and the mother or father of your future children.
When you’re out on dates make sure you’re always well behaved. Politeness is one of the highest virtues one can possess. A great date can go south in a hurry if you’re rude to the waiter or don’t leave a nice tip or don’t show appreciation. It’s the little things that count, such as: Saying please and thank you, pulling out a chair, opening a door, and so on. When you have a longer wait than normal or the waiter gets your order wrong or you find a bug in your food, don’t lose your temper. Keeping your cool and taking care of the situation in a calm and controlled manner is a huge turn-on. Conversely, making a scene, being rude and showing disrespect can ruin something that’s on the verge of being great.
My friend Jessica* met a guy named Mike on JDate and they’ve gone on a bunch of dates already. On their fifth date he came to her place to pick her up and asked her if it would be okay to stop by a friend’s house for an hour where a bunch of his friends would be. She said sure, after all it meant he wanted her to meet his friends, and they headed off. It wasn’t until he rang the doorbell that he told her that the hostess was his ex-girlfriend. They’ve been “just” friends for a couple of years and she has a serious boyfriend now. Jessica was stunned. It wasn’t a huge deal, but it would have been better for Mike to have been straight up about whose party it was from the start. There was no going back at this point, so Jessica pasted a smile on her face and introduced herself to the hostess.
Mike’s ex-girlfriend was incredibly friendly and tried to get chummy with her. But in an effort to befriend Jessica, the ex made some of the most inappropriate comments and asked some of the most inappropriate questions I’d ever heard. She tried to bond with Jessica by asking her if she was also annoyed by waking up in Mike’s bed to find his cat sitting on her head. Well, this being Jessica and Mike’s fifth date, she hadn’t had the privilege of spending the night yet but didn’t feel that was information she needed to share. Then the ex told Jessica she wished that Mike would teach her new boyfriend how to give a body massage. Again, not an experience Jessica had yet had and found the entire situation incredibly awkward. I think the ex may still have feelings for Mike and I have no idea if Mike is oblivious to this or just playing dumb.
How soon is too soon to introduce a new date to an ex that you happen to now be friends with? If you have to lie about where you’re going until you’re at the door, then it’s too soon. If you’re still able to count the number of dates you’ve been on on both hands, then it’s too soon. If you haven’t yet had “The Talk” then it’s too soon. If your ex doesn’t know how to be nice without being totally inappropriate, then it’s too soon. If you have any inclination that you’re ex might still have feelings for you, then it’s too soon. This goes for both girls and guys. Meeting an ex is intimidating and even more so when the ex mentions intimate tidbits.
Jessica was a class act and didn’t exchange any information besides to say that she and Mike had just recently started dating. She also didn’t mention any of this to Mike because she didn’t want to start any trouble. It bugged her and she is filing away the information in the back of her mind but the experience didn’t eliminate him. After all, it was his ex that was acting classless, not Mike. I told her that, in the future, if Mike were to ask if she wanted to hang out with his friends that she should nonchalantly ask which ones before agreeing. If the “friends” once again included his ex, she should say that she’d rather just hang out with him one-on-one some more. No guy is going to have a problem with that!
*all names have been changed