The Approach

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

So I have been debating with 2 other friends who also have profiles about the best way to approach a girl on JDate. My guy friend and I feel that a 2-3 sentence email asking the girl about something in their profile (EX: she likes books, what’s your favorite book, but not that boring, I promise!) is the best way to approach a girl. However, our friend that’s a girl says an IM is the best way to approach a girl on JDate. Thoughts?

Dear The Approach,

I would agree with you guys (surprised I didn’t side with the girls?). Back in the day when I was on JDate, an email that showed some thought and effort was put into it always impressed me more than  random Instant Messages. That said, I liked I.M.’s because we got to jump right into a conversation and could see if something flowed (while, of course, I quickly scanned their profile to see if we were a match). The best thing would be an I.M. after the exchange of 2 e-mails where a phone number is asked for and given and then the relationship moves off the computer and to the phone.

It’s the second thing you say that’s most important, not the opener!

by jpompey under Online Dating,Relationships

Instant messaging is one of the most advanced forms of online dating.  It requires quick thinking and the ability to sustain high levels of interest amongst great competition.

Most men mistakenly believe that the line you open with is the most important aspect of an instant messaging conversation.  The truth of the matter is, it is actually what comes after the instant message opener that really matters most.

The basic reason for this is that if a woman decides to open your instant message, odds are she will write back at least a courtesy response or hello.  It is after this initial response that it is time to play ball.

The follow-up needs to be something that will ignite immediate interest, build attraction levels and win over your potential date.  Instant messaging is a fast and furious game where women will lose interest if the pick up is not done correctly.

The only way this is done is by learning effective transition techniques and story builders that allow these things to happen naturally during the course of an online pick-up.   Not only should learning how to transition be treated with utmost importance, but a successful online dater learns how to amp up the excitement more and more as each moment passes by.

Think of online pick-ups as an emotional snowball.  We want the emotional highs to get bigger and bigger as we roll that snowball down hill.

This should be done throughout three of the four stages of instant message game, until we finally begin to build higher comfort levels.

I’m out of room for today.  More next time!

Long Distance Diss

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I don’t understand why, when someone is looking for a partner they would take an interest in someone five states away!  It doesn’t make any sense to me. I hate to outright say no to an IM request but also feel bad about just ignoring it, too.  The same goes for someone who sends me an email from another state.  How do I respond (or not)?

Dear Long Distance Diss,

I totally understand where you’re coming from. I remember being on JDate and receiving IMs from people in other countries! I mean, really? It’s enough of a compromise to decide to open your area range to neighboring cities 160 miles away, right? The international IMs I would always ignore. Not even worth a second look in my book. But IMs from people 5 states away? Fuggedaboutit! (But click to read their message because they might be preempting with an “I’m moving to your state next week!” message in which case it’s game on!) But IMs from people 2-4 hours away (i.e. within driving distance or a short, cheap flight) should be dealt with on a case-by-case basis and treated just as if the person were in your city. Check their photos, profile, preferences, etc and make the determination then. You never know, it might end up being the best road trip ever! Good Luck!

Keep Fishin’

by JeremySpoke under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

On my quest for hot love I have already told many tales via this blog.  Some have been good, some have been bad, but all have been transitory.  There are no finished stories.  I suppose if one story played out completely, I wouldn’t have a reason to write in this blog.  I would have already found the love of my life and would have won the lottery.  Also, I wouldn’t have time to write here because of my busy television/radio/movie career.  I would visit JDate from time to time to check out all the other singles on their quests for happiness.

Of course, I am still one in a sea of unfortunate singles.  I visit JDate every day looking for the cement to fill the hole in my heart.  It’s usually a fulfilling experience.  I might get an email from a cute girl, or start up an online chat with a different cute girl.  After that, it is sometimes difficult.  I am often skittish about pursuing a relationship.  Asking a girl to dinner seems too forward, while not asking her out seems too cowardly.  I often take the lesser known middle route and hint at dinner.  That often comes out way creepier than either of the first two options and usually ends up sounding like, “So, like, since we know a little about each other, maybe we could get to know each other a little better.”  Therefore, I have found that it is never advisable to hint at a date.  You’re not writing a bad porno here (unless you want to); you’re asking someone out to dinner.  Just go all in.

In the same vein as my “go all in” theory, I sometimes blitz JDate.  If there are several people online in my area at the same time, I will instant message them all at once.  This can be seen as a last act of desperation, but I see it as efficiency.  When doing this, I often get multiple responses.  I gave up on limiting my options to people who share the exact same interests as me long ago.  This is mostly because there aren’t any people who fit these criteria.  Also, I realized that I don’t want to be around people who are too much like me.  I can hardly handle just one of me.  I will keep blitzing the site until I alienate all girls in the Texas area.  That may be the only way to find the one.

Declining Instant Messages and its Psychological Ramifications

by JeremySpoke under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Whenever I log in to JDate, I immediately go to see what girls in my area are online at the same time.  At first, seeing six girls online at a time makes me excited.  “I can just choose whomever I want to talk to and I don’t have to get off of this awesome couch!”  This is likely something I would say out loud to either my roommate or my roommate’s cat.  “That’s great!/Meow!” she would respond, respective of species.

In the early days (last week), I would just blitz the site and message every girl that was online.  About one third of my messages were rejected.  I know, for a fact, that they were rejected, and not ignored, because the IM box would say, “The current user has declined your instant message request.”  That hurts.  That hurts a lot.  There are so many interesting things that I was going to tell you!  We could have established a wonderful rapport!   Another third of the girls I messaged simply didn’t respond.  This is either because they didn’t want to chat but were too polite to click “Reject IM”, or because they just weren’t there.  The last third of the girls responded.  This is why, if there are less than three people online at any given time, it is not worth it to send out an instant message.  This is a basic statistical tactic.

Of the girls that do respond to my IM, I end up having more than one conversation with about half of them.  Of that half, I end up meeting about one third of them.  Therefore, according to basic mathematics, I go on dates with one out of every eighteen girls I initiate conversations with.  Hey, it beats zero.

Don’t Waste Your Time Talking to the Wrong Fish

by RollingStone9862 under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

I am trying to get better at determining when it’s a good time to transition from an online conversation, either via email or Instant Message, to an actual face to face first date, or when I am better off just ending things because neither of us really seems that interested.  As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs I am not someone who operates under the same pretenses and patterns with every person that I meet online.  Therefore, it is important that I read the situation correctly and trust my instincts so that I don’t waste my time talking to a bunch of women with limited potential for actually ever going out on an enjoyable date.

While figuring this out isn’t rocket science I do believe that there is a fair amount of calculations that go into determining what is the right course of action in a given situation. First off, let me reiterate my feeling that you can’t treat every person and situation the same, and those who have a template for how they approach and communicate with people in my opinion are making a big mistake. You can’t lump everyone you meet, whether it’s online, at a bar, or at work, into one group and interact with them all in the exact same way. While I do understand that some people like to ask a few of the same initial questions of those they are getting to know, that is hardly the same as waiting for a certain amount of emails  to transpire before asking someone out for coffee, no matter what vibe the other person is giving you.

You have to feel people out; pay attention to the underlying tone in their responses in order to determine if they are becoming more comfortable sharing information with you, or whether they seem to be uninterested. One of the questions I always try to ask myself is whether or not I feel like the other person is pushing the conversation forward as much as I am. Are they asking me questions that show they’re truly interested in me, or are they just answering my questions and repeating them back to me?  If that is the case then perhaps I should just leave well enough alone since I’m not getting very much out of the correspondence.

During every online conversation there are signals that indicate if things are going well and if it’s the right time to meet, or if it’s not. Often times, especially when we haven’t had any good conversations in a while, we try to force things along and end up either turning the other person off or going out on a first date that we never should have gone on. So keep an open mind when talking with people, trust your instincts when gauging their responses and figuring out their level of interest in you, because there are a lot of fish in the online sea so why waste your time trying to force things to work with the wrong ones.

IMing this hopless romantic’s perspective

by SWEETADVENTURE8 under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

Admittedly, I’m an old fashioned gal.  It took me a while to accept that in today’s age the majority of couples that get together meet ala the Internet.  What happened to kismet?  Can you imagine what our great-grandparents would think…you met your Beshert how?  On the computer?  What is that?  And how do you meet someone?… Fast Forward …not only do couples meet on the Internet but people text each other to set up those dates.  The sport of dating has turned into a practice of efficiency and multi-tasking.  Is the ever present accessibility beneficial or destructive?  And then of course there is even IMing.  I recognize I may be in the minority here but I prefer not to spend my free time in front of the computer and when I log on to JDate, I like it to be a quick venture.  Respond to some emails and log off. But inevitably some guys prefer to chat via IM. I prefer to be outside playing and meeting “you” in person… I’m guessing some people find it efficient and effective verses the back and forth of “old fashion emails.”

I know online dating works.  I have met so many people who have met their partners this way. And yes, even including my mom and her current sweetie.  Perhaps this old fashion gal has to give-in to technology, IMing and this modern age of dating.

I’m Hating IM

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I have been a long time on-again-off-again JDater®. I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong this time around. I obviously have not found true love but in the past, I have gotten to email, IM and meet lots of candidates. Now, I am constantly getting refusals to even IM?! Why don’t any of the guys want to IM? It’s not like I said something and they discontinue the conversation. They won’t even give me a chance?!?!?  Any suggestions??

Dear I’m Hating IM,

I can’t even begin to tell you how many people think they are getting rejected by someone via Instant Messenger when in actuality they are IMing someone who either isn’t at their computer, doesn’t know IM exists or how IM works, may be at work, may not have the necessary Flash program downloaded on their computer, or may be logged on to JDate but not have the screen up and therefore do not hear or see that they have an IM waiting for them. In other words, don’t fret. Instead, utilize the other JDate tools to let someone know you’re interested or to make contact: repeatedly view profiles, Hot List, Flirt, Click! and send e-mails. Don’t stop trying to make contact via IM, but don’t become a stalker and continue trying to make contact with someone who isn’t responding just in case they are getting your IMs and simply aren’t interested. Good luck!

JDate Newbie

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

How do you know when there is interest on both sides? Also, if someone puts me on their Hot List, does that mean they think I’m hot? I’m new and need help learning.  Heeeeelllllllllpppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear JDate Newbie,

There are a few ways to tell if someone is interested in you. First, log on everyday and view the profiles of the guys that match your preferences, then check “who’s viewed you” to see who has checked you out. If the same person keeps checking you out every day, then that’s a pretty good sign that he or she is interested.

Next, Hot List those who you want to know that you are interested, and see who has Hot Listed you. Does it mean they think you’re hot? For lack of a better term, yes. It means they like your photos and profile and want to keep an eye on you and let you know they are into you. Utilize the “Click!” feature and click “Yes” and hope the other person does the same. That’s how you get results (JDate won’t tell you if one person clicked “No,” only if both clicked “Yes”)!

At this point, if you don’t want to make direct contact, you can also just send a Flirt. Eventually though, one of you needs to write the other person an email or even an Instant Message if you are both online at the same time.  If you really want to meet someone, then don’t hide that you’re online. Log on everyday and have a paid membership so you can utilize all the perks. Good luck!

Flattered and Frustrated

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,JFacts,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

In the past I feel like I always took JDate too seriously.  I now have a more laidback approach and find it to be a lot more fun and challenging. I have had a lot of pursuers, but I haven’t found anyone that I am interested in. When I thought I found the “man of my dreams,” he didn’t respond to any of my e-mails! He sent me a Mother’s Day eCard but hasn’t responded to my subsequent emails. On occasion he will view my profile, but no message. What’s up with that? I don’t get it! Why are they there if they show interest and don’t respond? Please explain.

Dear Flattered and Frustrated,

I remember that high you get when you check “who’s viewed me” and see the hot guy you’ve been keeping tabs on. And I remember how quickly that high dissipates when you realize all he’s done once again is view you and not contact you. And then my paid membership ran out and before I renewed I realized the constraints that a free membership places on JDaters®. It sounds like this guy could have a free membership, which means he can’t write emails or read the emails in his inbox and he can’t send instant messages although he can receive and respond to them. He can, though, send eCards, Flirts, Hot List and view you to his heart’s desire. That means if he’s interested in you, he will keep viewing your profile until you contact him in a way that he can respond to. In other words, you’re going to have to cyber stalk him until you are both signed on at the same time so you can send him an IM. And what that means is that you have to put your pride on the line one more time. If the IM doesn’t get you anywhere, then it’s time to cut your losses and move on, because he is obviously not the man you thought he was. Good luck!