It seems that almost every time I’m IMing with a guy, it starts out nice and then the guy turns the conversation to x-rated topics. Please help, why does this always seem to happen???
Dear X-Rated IMs,
I don’t believe people will jump to X-rated conversation without some prompting. I’m not blaming this on you, but check your communication and your photos because maybe you’re sending messages that you don’t mean to. Are your photos sexy, showing a lot of skin? Is your About Me and your IMs flirtatious? Try to pull in the reigns a bit and see if that helps. And if a guy starts veering towards the inappropriate, cut him loose right away and don’t waste anymore of your time. Some guys (and girls) are just there to hook up and their X-rated come-on’s are being used to see if you’re game. Let them know that you’re not by cutting off contact.
Today I would like to discuss a skill that online daters often neglect within their day-to-day interactions. The skill involves preparing with transitions that can be used within an online conversation.
A transition is the concept of following up your initial conversation opener with something interesting to keep the conversation going. Although most people do not worry about this aspect of online dating, being unprepared leaves you in a potentially vulnerable position.
Many people often start up an Instant Messaging conversation, only to find themselves quickly running out of things to say. This can blow up in the person’s face and destroy a potential match.
Instead, take the time to read the profile and come up with a bunch of things that you will plan on saying. Or, develop transitional material that those of us who are advanced at online dating always come armed with.
Whatever you do, do not fall into the trap of resorting to boring small talk! This often means two words: GAME OVER.
If you live in an area with a generally small Jewish community (anywhere on earth), you are bound to recognize a lot more people than you would like to in your region on JDate. Also, if you are Jewish, you are probably forced to go to mixers or socials where Jewish singles awkwardly pretend that they don’t recognize half of the people there from their profile pictures on JDate. What’s worse, you recognize people whom have never met you in person, but have rejected your instant message request a number of times. This is probably the worst thing that could happen to a human being.
I’ve broken several bones, had a concussion, my parents divorced, several of my dogs have died or been ‘given away’ (died). I’ve dealt with depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have lost family members, and not just to death. In college, my brother went missing for over 24 hours. Someone eventually found him sleeping on a sidewalk. My childhood dog ran away several times for no reason except for the fact that he was forced to live outside in our backyard and that my little brother was prone to riding around on him like a horse. There was a point somewhere in here that I was originally trying to make.
Despite my suburban hardships, few things have felt worse than the punch-in-the-gut feeling I get when I see people in real life that have previously rejected a conversation with me. Intuition tells you to avoid them at all costs and, if forced to converse with, pretend that you have never seen them before. I stopped listening to my intuition after giving out my contact info to a girl that had just watched my band play in high school. What if I turned the tables on them? Instead of avoiding her, assault her with questions. “Hey, you rejected a simple conversation with me. What up?” She will most definitely deny she has ever seen you. That’s why I always carry physical copies of my profile pictures in my wallet. “Look at this. Why would you not want to engage this face socially?”
I don’t actually carry my profile pictures in my wallet, nor have I confronted anyone verbally about not chatting with me online. These are just things I think about.
Instant Messaging can be a very popular way of meeting people on JDate. It is fast, convenient and allows the conversation to progress to an extremely high level in 45 minutes or less; it might otherwise take a week or more if emails were being exchanged. However, sometimes we talk through Instant Messaging and find ourselves wondering, “Is this person is truly interested in me?” While there is no way to know for sure, there are some huge signs that the person you are talking to is, in fact, highly interested. The following are just a few of the many signs you might receive.
- The responses are coming at a quick and rapid pace
- You are being asked a ton of questions; the more personal, the better.
- You are asked your name after talking for a little while. People do not ask for names unless they are truly pondering getting to know you at a future date.
- You notice in the I.M. box that he or she has been re-wording what to say over and over. (There is an icon that notifies of this in the corner of the I.M. box)
- You find the other person continues to lead the conversation in new directions and has taken control.
These are just a few of the many subtle signals that show the person you are trying to date is highly interested in you. If you are receiving most of these signals on a daily basis then you should stand proud because you are clearly doing something correctly! If you are not, then you may want to brush up on your online dating skills a little bit. We all need to practice to reach perfection. Good luck!
Dear Gems from Jen,
I met a guy online and we have been corresponding through Instant Messenger, Email, phone calls and texting for about the past month. We still have yet to meet each other in person, which seems a little odd to me. We do have different work schedules, so it is hard to figure out when we can get together, but I of course suggested that we meet for coffee sometime and that way we can at least meet for a little bit. However, he says that he really wants us to meet for a half day, so that we can spend a lot of time together. I don’t quite get it. I would think that if he really wanted to meet me, a little time is better than none. I’m not sure if I should bother communicating with this guy any longer. What do you think?
Dear First Date,
I agree with you, it does seem a little odd. It sounds as if the two of you have both agreed to meet and for some reason unknown to us, he is not willing to even meet for a quick cup of coffee. I’m not so sure there is anything else you can do at this point. He either wants to meet or he doesn’t. Do yourself a favor and keep your profile active on JDate. Continue to look at profiles and correspond with those that spark your interest. Don’t wait around for a guy that is unwilling to commit to a first meeting.
Gems from Jen