The Baby Test

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Bringing a date around babies is a great test to see what kind of instinct they have. Bringing a date around pets is another good way. If your date doesn’t want to hold the baby or pet the animal, then you’ll need to question why. That is, if you want to have babies or pets in your future (if you don’t then it’s a perfect match!). But most people are looking for a family of some kind in their future, and finding someone with a natural instinct and comfort around babies and animals is important. So once you get to the point of having to decide whether you want to get serious with someone, take them around your friends who are already settled down and see what their vibe is in a house with 2 kids and a dog.

When Poly-Dating Turns Troublesome

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Per your advice, I’ve been poly-dating for quite some time (although I didn’t have a name for it before, lol, so thanks for that) but I’m in a jam – I really like two of the guys I’m dating and I can’t decide which to break it off with. Not to say it’s totally up to me, but I’m pretty sure they both feel strongly towards me and I need to make a move now before it becomes more difficult. Have you ever been in this predicament?

Dear Poly-Dater,

Lucky for you (and unfortunately for me), I was in your situation before. I had met two guys when I was in the midst of a poly-dating phase of my life and was stuck. Surely these guys knew I was holding back as I was still only seeing them each twice a week, and although I was naturally flirtatious, I hadn’t let the physical chemistry get the best of me.

Both were great guys, but there was something about one of them which I couldn’t put my finger on and couldn’t ignore. I ultimately “chose” him and broke things off with the other guy. Things became really serious once I let my guard down and truly became available. Of course, after a few months the relationship ended, but for that time I had made the right choice.

It’s a gut feeling. Neither ended up being right for me, but of the two at that time one was more right than the other. You have to trust your instinct. The best way to do so, if you’re confused, is to try and imagine yourself with each of the men down the road – can you picture having a conversation with each guy in a month, a year, ten years? Can you imagine yourself living with each guy, marrying each guy, parenting with each guy? That may sound extreme, but if you can’t envision yourself making a home with a man, then why bother?

That said, keep this process and your poly-dating past to yourself. The guys don’t want to hear that there are other men in your life even if they’re dating other women. And they for sure don’t want to know that you can’t choose between them and another man.

Go with your instinct

by jpompey under Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Writing about online dating for a living often requires me to answer a lot of questions that people really don’t want the answers to.  Especially women.

The other day a female friend of mine came to me with questions in regards to whether or not someone she just met online is the type of guy she should stay away from. 

She informed me that she had a great time. However, he said a few things that were somewhat unsettling to her.

She wanted to know if it was bad that the sexual suggestions came rather quickly, that he claimed to have been a player in the past, and that she just wasn’t sure if he was really reformed or not.

When all was said and done, she had a good time and wanted to see the guy again.  The truth is, your instincts are usually right.  Even if you have a great time with a guy or girl, if the red flags are there, it is best to break away from the relationship before things graduate to the next level.

Most times things don’t change.  And once feelings are developed, it is all that much harder to leave the relationship even if your bad instincts were proven correct.

Bottom line: Trust your instincts.  They are usually there for a reason.


Bad Advice

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Because of what I do for a living, many of my single friends – both male and female – are constantly asking me for advice. A lot of the time family and friends have also been asked, or have offered, advice (being typical Jews, it’s usually the latter). And when my friends relay to me the advice they receive, and sometimes even followed, I am flabbergasted! From advising singles to admit how they feel too soon to telling them to lay all baggage on the table, our loved ones (especially those that have been married more than ten years) have no clue about dating in today’s world. Ask enough people for their dating advice and eventually you’ll hear contradicting statements.

My favorite is when Moms tell their kids to “stop looking and you’ll find someone.” Ummm, no. Actually, not actively looking is detrimental to your dating life. The amount you’re out there looking is directly proportional to how much you date. If you’re not on JDate or going to Jewish singles events or accepting blind dates – or all of the above – then you’re not going to meet someone. People only meet on the subway or at the gym in the movies. Sure, it happens in real life every once in a while, but why sit back and wait for love to come to you? Instead, go out there and find it, otherwise you’ll be waiting a looooong time!

The other popular piece of advice people get that I can’t stand is to be a “challenge.”  If you play hard to get than how will you be gotten? I’m not saying to lay it all out on the line, but anytime you’re trying to not try too hard, you’re going to fail. When you pretend not to be into someone, your date is going to think just that – that you’re not into him or her. Pretending like you’re always busy will make the other person think you don’t have time and are not willing to make time for them.

If you’re offered advice without having asked for it or if you ask for advice but totally disagree with the answer, don’t get into it with the other person. It’s not worth it. Merely thank them for the advice and say that you’ll take it into consideration. Married people think that because they’re no longer single that they know all. But just because a technique worked for them doesn’t mean it will work for everyone else. Even dating experts such as myself get it wrong sometimes. You need to follow your instincts above everything else. All the dating advice in the world won’t matter when you meet the right person at the right time and just go with the flow and live in the moment.