You know how people say that even non-observant Jews feel an indescribable connection to Israel once the plane touches down? Well, I did not.
Immediately when my plane touched down, I felt hungry. Hungry and tired. Hungry, tired and restless. I hadn’t slept for the entire flight and all I had eaten was what United Airlines claimed to be grilled chicken. I’m knocking airline food for no reason. I’m sorry, it was actually quite good.
I went to all of the holy sites and, though nice, they invoked no sense of sentimentality from me. Many to all of the sites memorialize some moment in history when a whole lot of Jews were killed. I felt really bad that these events happened and continue to happen but I couldn’t identify with them. I do not personally feel that my life is in any way in jeopardy because I am Jewish. I do not have to really fight for anything in my life and, if I did, I would not fight strongly for a faith I do not really know that much about. Also, I am not physically strong, so even if I did fight for my beliefs, I would lose. Maybe that is the plight of the Jewish person. Whether or not we fight, we still lose. In that sense, I do identify with my faith. Whether or not we believe in the things we’re supposed to believe in, we are still part of a larger group of people who would fight for us anyway.
under Date Night
I am starting to strongly believe that all food on earth tastes exactly like a turkey sandwich. This warped, yet understandable, view of reality has been provided to my brain by 22 straight days of eating nothing but turkey sandwiches (and one steak). Turkey sandwiches have permeated every part of my life. I dream about being forced to continuously eat turkey sandwiches a la Man v. Food. I think about turkey sandwiches constantly. Turkey sandwiches have become my currency, and I trade them for other turkey sandwiches. The only escape that I get from this grueling diet is the transitory pleasure of Diet Coke®.
My impending date is coming quickly. By Friday, I have to pick out the lucky girl. Right now, it looks like only one girl will actually be in the same city this weekend. I am also pretty sure that she still thinks that it’s a joke. I am sure I will have the last laugh as she sits across from me at a small table at a restaurant and sees that I am wearing a suit while the wait staff sings I Swear to her a cappella style. Hopefully, if things go well, I will ride that positive momentum and lose my final 20 pounds.
After that, I leave with my family to go to Israel to rescue my brother. He has been in Jerusalem for the past year studying to be a rabbi. I do not know where he gets his ultra-religious tendencies. Regardless, it gives me a free trip to Israel. Hopefully I will meet my wife there like that woman last month told me I would. Oh drunk woman, I hope your insight leads to the fulfillment of that prophecy.
Hear ye! I have a proposal involving all members of JDate. When you read this, please keep an open mind.
Okay. Here we go. I think that once a year everybody on JDate should say and act in real life the same way they do online. For example, instead of using the ‘Search’ feature, members should literally go door-to-door and assess each person that answers. I realize that this may work better in more densely populated Jewish areas like Israel or New York City and so, therefore, you must first ask the respondent’s religious persuasion. This will likely offend almost everybody. Next, if their persuasion is of your liking, you must then read from a prompt. Following is a prototype:
“Hello. My name is (insert username). (Look at the person). Now that I have visual confirmation, I will proceed with my next set of questions. Now, please hand me at least four photographs of yourself. I will use them to analyze whether or not further conversation is necessary.”
If you are still interested say, “I generally like your photographs. May I ask your age, please? Also, please give me a short description about yourself. Telling me your physical characteristics is moot as I am looking you in the eyes right now. Please do tell me of your ideal relationship as well as your past relationships. What have you learned from them? Also, what does your perfect first date consist of?”
If all goes well, finish with, “Thank you for your time regarding my interest in dating you. Please give me your phone number and email address so that we can continue conversing in a normal matter such as this.”
Dear Gems from Jen,
I am interesting, cool, smart, warm, honest, creative, fun, and a well-traveled artist, who is 53 years young. I am truly one of a kind and I look good. I am not thin, but not fat, an American Israeli and at the moment in Israel. In my profile, I let men know that I will be back in the USA in about 2-3 months. Men don’t look interesting, it’s unreal. Many Success Stories start from overseas, but it seems that American men want to find love next door. Isn’t it stupid? Even when I write to them I try to explain and say, “Think outside the box.” Still nothing, nada!
Dear No New Mail,
I’m not so sure this is just an American man issue. My sense is this is a universal issue. Long-distance relationships are hard work, no matter how great a catch you might be. My best suggestion here is to have some patience. It sounds like you possess some fantastic qualities and there are plenty of men out there willing to get to know you. However, right now you are not geographically desirable to the men you are trying to communicate with. I do understand you want to meet someone, but do yourself a favor and wait until you get back to the states. I think a lot of men are unwilling to begin something with someone who is not available to meet for a few months. Once you arrive back in the states re-visit some of the interesting profiles here on JDate and write the men you are interested in getting to know better. Good luck in your search!
Gems from Jen
Celebrity sex therapist, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, best known as Dr. Ruth, was a sharpshooter during Israel’s 1948 Independence War. She lived in an orphanage in Switzerland after her parents were captured by the Nazis during World War 2. In 1947, she joined the Haganah (The Defense) in Jerusalem and, even though she stood at a diminutive 4’7”, she was trained to be a sharpshooter. In combat during the 1948 Arab-Israeli War, Dr. Ruth was hit by an exploding shell and was unable to walk for several months. After recovering from her injury, she decided to study psychology at the University of Paris. Our sex lives have been all the better for it.