I have never been in a relationship with a Jewish girl. I actually have once, and it was my very first relationship, but I was really young and I was only one out of her four boyfriends at the time. I wasn’t even mad about that. I was just happy to be part of the team. I mean, they were a really good looking group of guys. She finally told me about them while crying at a New Year’s dance. I was fine. I just wanted to go to a racquetball court and make out some more (we were at the JCC).
Anyway, this whole post is now based on a lie, and I think it is deteriorating as I type. Nevertheless, I will stand by my almost true claim that I have never been in a relationship with a Jewish girl. Actually, another girl that I dated was half Jewish, and I don’t know if that counts.
Okay! Aside from the two girls listed above, I have never been in a relationship with a Jewish girl. I don’t know why. I didn’t do it by choice. Though I wish I could handpick my girlfriends that option is usually not offered. Men are all drowning in this enormous, smelly man-pool waiting to be pulled out by a girl that feels sorry enough for one of us. I say ‘select few’ because, statistically, most girls are un-datable. I am 27 years old. At this age, about half of the women are married. Of the half that aren’t, about ten percent are too good looking and thus way out of our league. Another ten percent are crazy. Also, about .07 percent are related to us. So, realistically, we’re looking at roughly 29.93% of our demographic. I gave up on the idea that I am in charge of who I date a long time ago.
All of my relationships have ended (obviously). There is no good way to end a relationship. Therefore, what I remember most from all of my past relationships are the horrible ways in which they ended. If you’re in a relationship and the two of you aren’t married and haven’t been dating for more than three years, it is almost certainly going to end terribly. Somebody is going to cry. Furniture is going to break. Electronics may or may not be smashed in with an aluminum baseball bat. Neighbors are going to call the cops. Severe depression will follow. I think that ‘love’ is being in a relationship for over three years and still being alive. Not ‘alive’ as in a hallucinogenic dream state of pure exhilaration, but ‘alive’ as in still breathing.
JDate will save me.