Make a Move

by Tamar Caspi under Single Life

So many people let love pass them by because they simply are afraid to take a risk and say something. Whether it be “What’s your friend’s number?” or “Are you single?” or “Would you be willing to set me up with your buddy?” or “Would you like to go out sometime?” or simply saying, “Hi! My name is…”

That’s all it takes to see if that girl you saw volunteering at the JDate event is available, or if that guy you saw hanging out by the kitchen at your friend’s party is Jewish. What’s the worst that will happen? You’ll find out the person is either not Jewish, not single, or not interested. No big deal, right?! Make sure you don’t regret not saying something.

Get Out There

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Being on JDate is great. Being active on JDate is better. But you can increase your chances of meeting your Beshert by getting out there. Sitting behind a screen is not enough — you have to get out there. Just as only going out isn’t enough — you need to be on JDate too. It’s easy and comfortable to be able to sit home in your jammies browsing JDate, but it’s much more difficult to get it together and put yourself out there. I know way too many people who are only on JDate, but think they’re too good for the Jewish events. That makes no sense to me!

Think about it like a job interview — if you had an opportunity to land your dream job, you would do absolutely everything you could to get it, right? You would apply, secure awesome letters of reference and write a stunning resume, you would appear sharp at the interview, write a thank you letter, network, make contacts, follow-up, and so on. Why wouldn’t you do that to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Making an Appearance

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

When you go out to a JDate event or any other Jewish event you need to be made up. That means you should be freshly scrubbed and washed, hair done, shaven, clothes clean and ironed. You’d be surprised the way single people arrive to events, it’s shocking. I went to an event tonight that wasn’t solely for singles, but of course it was singles that dominated the crowd. So I was surprised to see roots that weren’t touched up, clothes that were ill-fitting, faces unpainted and so on. You are there to possibly meet someone people!!! Dress to look your best! I seriously don’t know what some people are thinking when they walk out the door. You can’t afford to put anything less than 110% into getting ready for a singles event. You don’t have the luxury of choosing and editing photos as you do on and then corresponding via the computer or phone. No, you are live and in person, so prepare accordingly! OK, rant over.

39 & Out of Time?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I am turning 39 next week and am feeling increasingly depressed about it.  It seems men only want to date women up to around age 32, judging by the profiles I have read.  One went so far as to confirm why: He wants kids.  Ugh.  I recently dated a guy who was several years younger than I, and he had serious concerns about my ability to have children, and I felt pressured about having a timeline.  These concerns were discussed at only 7 weeks into our relationship, which he admitted was off to a pretty great start with this little exception.  What am I supposed to do?  I’m a great person! I wasn’t expecting to be single at 39, but it happened.

Dear 39 & Out of Time,

I don’t think most women your age expect to still be single, but this generation is seeing people marrying older and older and starting their families in their 40s. Are you as open minded as you’re asking men to be? Meaning — are you open to dating and marrying an older man? If you’re dating men several years younger then make sure you’re also dating men several years olde; be an equal opportunity dater.

I don’t think 7 weeks in is so early to be discussing children. By 2 months in you should know if the relationship is moving forward or not. If the guy really liked you it wouldn’t have mattered about your ability to bear children. It’s well documented that it’s more difficult to get pregnant after 35 so any educated man is going to be curious as to your desire to have children — not that you have any control over your ability to do so. That said, if a man in his early 30’s is so concerned than why is he even bothering you to begin with?

Concentrate on meeting who you can online and then try going to some JDate events so you can meet people in person where you won’t get systematically eliminated based on your age before you even meet.

Sexy at (Almost) Sixty

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I am 59 but look about 50. The problem is men my age want younger women. I work out, have had a good facelift and I’m used to younger men chasing me. What should I do?

Dear Sexy at (Almost) Sixty,

It won’t hurt for you to select a wide age range on JDate and allow the men to know you are open to dating younger if they are interested. Based on the description of your appearance, I think you would benefit greatly from JDate events geared to the older crowd. That way men can hit on you based on your appearance not your age. At the same time, don’t be ashamed of your age — give the men an opportunity to be impressed with how young you look!

Dressing Debacles

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Oh. My. Goodness. Why do women insist on wearing the skimpiest little outfits to JDate and other Jewish singles events? I have witnessed woman after woman wearing the tightest, shortest, sheerest outfits I’ve ever seen. Skinny, average, overweight, tall, medium, short, nearly every woman walked in looking like she had only bought half the dress and left the rest on the rack. I so very much appreciate their confidence, but I think it’s actually masking insecurity.

I watched as these women kept readjusting their tops as their dresses fell, pulling down their skirts as they rode up on the dance floor- I saw way more than I ever asked for. Not only did they look ridiculous but, needless to say, they were uncomfortable, as well. Of course, the men weren’t complaining. But what these ladies didn’t realize is that the men weren’t looking at them with the “That’s my future wife, I want to marry her” look in their eyes. No, they were thinking something very different, thoughts that didn’t include respect or commitment. All the women saw, however, were eyes on them and the attention they were receiving, not realizing if it was positive or negative.

I’m not saying women should dress like nuns in order to be taken seriously as marriage material. I’m just saying to put a little more thought into how you’re representing yourself. You’re obviously going to a JDate event because you’re Jewish and single and looking to mingle, so why not dress a bit more, say, unadventurous, but less, say, provocatively? Think about the thought that goes through your mind when you see a girl on the dance floor shaking her tushie while wearing what adds up to about two band-aids worth of material. You would look at her with disgust in your eyes while being appalled by the taste of all the men checking her out. Don’t become that girl. Show respect for yourself by dressing elegantly. A sexy dress is actually sexier when it covers more skin rather than less. Leave something to the imagination.

Being sexy, showing your feminine side or showing some skin for that matter, doesn’t make you un-marry-able; that’s not what I’m saying. But when you’re single and looking to find your Beshert, just think twice about what you’re putting on when you’re getting dressed and about the kind of message it will send. When you’re looking for something to wear to a JDate event, or even on a JDate, make sure you’re comfortable and confident. That combination is what makes a woman sexy!

Over & Under

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Relationships

One of the worst dating offenses I see when people-watching at JDate events is people who are either over or under made-up. Men and women are either over or under dressed, women either have too much or too little make-up on and hair for either sex is either dirty or overly styled.

I’ve already talked about changing your clothes after work or bringing a few accessories to work to dress up a work outfit. If the invitation says cocktail attire, try not to wear jeans. I know it’s trendy but it also sends a message that you’re not trying very hard. A woman who left work early to run home and shower, change into a dress and reapply make-up isn’t going to be turned on by a guy who also went home… but got distracted watching the game and then threw on a pair of jeans without a belt as he ran out the door.

Ladies — I am all for looking au natural but au natural is actually a make-up technique, it doesn’t mean leaving the house without make-up. It also doesn’t mean pancake-ing it on until you’re devoid of pores. It means applying a minimal to medium amount of make-up before you walk out the door so you can amplify your best features and look as though you’re not wearing any make-up. Men want to see your true face and don’t want to be surprised when the lights in the bar turn on.

When it comes to your hair: wash it, brush it and style it. It shouldn’t smell, look greasy or be too stiff with gel. Hair is an aphrodisiac and should be treated as such. Hair should smell good and make you want to reach out and run your fingers through it. Ladies – if you have long hair than wear it down so you can flip it over your shoulder and twirl it around your finger. If you have short hair, then just rock it! Men – the spiky look is not hot, handsome is in. If you use more hair product than me, we have a problem. Even bald men should make sure their noggin is smooth and not too shiny. Bald is sexy.

The bottom line is: make an effort to make an impact.

Prepare Yourself

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Besides having the right attitude at JDate events, you also need to look the part. I was shocked at the conditions in which people appeared at the JDate event I attended. Hair disheveled, no make-up or too much make-up, wrinkled clothing and facial expressions that leave much to be desired.

The event was held during the week after work. That means it was after people have been sitting at a desk in the same clothes they put on at seven o’clock that morning—a full twelve hours before attending an event where they hope to meet their beshert. Change your clothes. I repeat, do not go to a JDate event before changing the clothes you have been in all day. If you don’t have time to go home, bring a change of clothes with you to the office as well as a pair of non-work shoes for the ladies (read: sexy), a toothbrush and toothpaste, a comb, deodorant and make-up. You want to look put-together, smelling fresh and letting interested parties know that you took the time to get ready for the event. Finding love is important to you so make it a priority to look good.

The saying “look good, feel good” means that once you’ve got your clothes, face and hair right, you’ll feel better, have more confidence and this will shine through to the people around you. A study shows that when you smile, your brain thinks you’re happy and will release endorphins and you will actually start to feel happy. So if you’re not so happy to find yourself at a single’s event, smile anyways. You’ll start to feel better and not only will you attract people you will start to see others smiling because happiness is contagious. And nobody wants to talk to someone with a frown on their face, no matter how pretty that face is!

Going to a JDate event means taking the time to get physically as well as mentally prepared. It’s tough to put yourself out there but you have to do it with your best self otherwise you’re wasting your own time. When you set-up your JDate account you didn’t waste your time and money using pictures of yourself “undone,” so why go to a JDate event without fresh clothes, make-up, combed hair and a smile? Take the time to prepare yourself before putting yourself out there.

Marketing Yourself

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

I recently attended a local JDate event to people watch and see if people knew how to market themselves without a computer screen separating them from reality. Sad to say, I was disappointed.  Whether it means looking your best, putting a smile on your face, thinking about what you’re saying before you say it, or even how your nametag reads, everything counts and many people were failing on numerous levels.

Sometimes it’s general attitude. A few individual’s body language was so negative – arms crossed, shoulders hunched, sour look – that there was no way they were going to be approached. There were wallflowers left and right, people wandering through the crowd looking lost, others sitting down alone. You shouldn’t be ashamed to be at a JDate event because guess what? The people you’re meeting are there too! When you sign up for a JDate event, it’s time to throw caution to the wind, put yourself out there, lower any walls and find yourself some possible love interests.

Self-promoting is not an easy thing to do. We are not raised to be arrogant but, rather, humble yet confident so to talk about how great we are, how popular, how funny, how successful, how smart, how fabulous and so on is not natural. However, if you’re going to a JDate event then you gotta do it. You need to look your best, be outgoing yet natural, and not seem too desperate all at the same time.

The best thing about JDate events is that you should feel an instant kinship with everyone there and draw instant comfort from that. Everyone there is there for the same reason – to meet someone Jewish. Try to enjoy the opportunity of having hundreds of local Jewish singles in the same place at the same time with the same motivation.

More to come about what people show up looking like at the events in a few days.

Social Networking

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I was just wondering if JDate has a way for me to correspond with people just for social networking, aside from dating. I’m 38 and single and many of my friends are in relationships. I’d be interested in networking with other women for socializing, going to singles event, etc… Thanks!

Dear Social Networking,

I think utilizing JDate to find single girlfriends to hang out with is a great idea! Although there aren’t specific ways to do so, my advice is to go to JDate events being held in your area and meet other girls in person. It’s definitely easier to go to Jewish singles events with a buddy and there are, without a doubt, other gals on JDate whose friends are all married. I admit, I used to check out the other girls who would show up in the same searches as me and sometimes I would think to myself, “gee, we have a lot in common” or “wow, she looks like she would be a lot of fun to hang out with.” I never went so far as to email them, but I did think about it and I don’t think it would be wrong for you to do so.